How do I navigate this?

[southern82]

I'm early 40s and have been with my partner 18 months. We get along well, don't really argue, don't live together but see each other on weekends.
However, for the past 12 months we have only slept together twice. This is due to him been diagnosed with a thyroid condition and his sexual desire has just plummeted.
I can't go through life together with never having sex! I'm still young!
He is permanently exhausted, and is in bed by 7pm most nights. He is on medication and although they keep adjusting it, he doesn't feel any different.
We get along so well, but I'm starting to see him just in a friendship way. There's no intimacy at all. No kissing, the occasional hug but that's it.
I can't live like this but I don't know what to do as it's not his fault!

I know, but can I leave the relationship over a health problem? It seems shallow. I have spoken about it, and he feels as frustrated as me

Just tell him that you want to be friends instead.

I don't want to be friends though, that's the problem. I want a relationship with him, but it's not fulfilling my needs! How long do I wait for his new meds to work? What if his desire comes back? It seems shallow of me to end it over a health issue

There's nothing physically stopping him from kissing you and being physically affectionate, though.

You're not duty-bound to stick with something that isn't working for you just because he's a nice guy.

This is true. He does hold my hand and is affectionate in other ways. It's just literally the sex, there is non! We were great until he got ill. And now it's like he's aged 50 years and I feel like I'm dating someone in a care home

No kissing, the occasional hug but that's it.

I don't think having your hand held is really going to cut it in terms of physical affection.

I mean, it's up to you how long you're willing to hang on.

What if the medication never solves the issue? Is thus how you see your life being?

Silly question but is he willing to look for an alternative? Viagra?

If his thyroid is affecting his sex life he needs a new thyroid function test. He should be having them anyway every 3 to 6 months and taking lifelong medication (if he has a real thyroid issue that is).

Honestly I think he's just not into you and this is a relationship that is only going to keep making you unhappy.

It's not shallow.

May I suggest you read some of the other stories of sexless/low-sex relationships on this site? You might start at the thread I've linked here. Spoiler alert: supposedly sexual relationships where there is in fact little or no sex make people chronically unhappy.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

No definitely not. If I'm truly honest, I can't see this lasting much longer. I was hoping that peri menopause would kick in and I would have gone off sex, but that's not happening yet!
It's not his fault, he is always tired. He can't function past 3pm! I see such a difference in his wellbeing. I just can't have a relationship like this, but I'm struggling to tell him it's not working for me. He says he completely understands and he feels just as frustrated in his head.
I feel really bad for wanting to end it over something he can't help.

Hi @southern82, that is a disheartening problem... It sounds very frustrating, I can tell that otherwise you really like this man.. But listen. Look at how you phrased it:
"...but can I leave the relationship over a health problem? It seems shallow." You are not, you wouldn't. You didn't say oh, you have a problem with your thyroid? I am out! You have leaving in your mind because you lack something that is a cornerstone of every balanced romantic relationship. For you, intimacy is important, and you are not getting any. And let's not kid ourselves, it is entirely missing, it seems, no kiss, no nothing. I don't want to start hammering him, I get that he has a condition to manage. But.. If for whatever health-related reason I would be unable to have sex with my wife, whether due to physical obstacles or lack of libido, I sure as hell would make an effort to do something... I get how hard the situation must be for him, but his choice of not partake in any form of intimacy, it affecting you both, not just him... So by all means, he should think of an alternative, a potential happy medium or something. Has he done anything on this front?

I would for sure sit down and talk about this with him if I were you... But first of all, you need to not look at this with any form of guilt. He needs to be realistic, and if this relationship is important to him the same as for you, he needs to think of something he could do...show willingness to improve things. If he is happy with the level of (non)intimacy, there is not much to talk about, really. Because yes, you ARE too young to have a sexless relationship

He is very much into me. He is constantly telling me he loves me, he does so much for me. Helps with my son, stays in touch, brings me dinner round for when I get home from work. He's a nice guy, he just has no sex drive.
He's only just been diagnosed in October, he has an appointment at the hospital in 2 weeks time to discuss how he is feeling. But he's had 2 medication adjustments and both have left him feeling worse than before.

I feel really bad for wanting to end it over something he can't help.

It is sad for him, and unfortunateforbyou both.

But you don't owe him a relationship nor to sacrifice your own happiness long term.

It's a relatively short relationship - it's not like you've been together 18 years and have enmeshed lives.

That’s ridiculous, OP. You want a sexual relationship. He can’t give you one, and doesn’t seem that interested in trying. If you had been in a Committed sexual relationship for years, then maybe you’d be justified in thinking this was something you should try to work through, but you haven’t been. You’ve slept together twice in the past year. You’re only eighteen months together — this is a new relationship, and you feel you’re dating an unwell OAP.

Just end it amicably. And find someone who can give you what you want. Don’t be apologetic about prioritising your own needs.

Of course you can. I stayed in a relationship out of guilt because he had a health issue and it was a miserable time for me.
I wish I’d walked away a year or so earlier and not wasted that time - and we were still having sex 2/3 times a week

Lack of sexual desire does not have to mean no intimacy. That is a choice. My DP (who I don’t live with but have been together with for years) is 70, usually we have a very active sex life but occasionally due to illness it dwindles…however when it does, he puts effort in to us not going platonic - we will sleep cuddled up naked, hold hands, have long kisses, etc, still very much a couple rather than good friends. If my sex drive does ever actually dwindle with menopause I will do the same.

In the grand scheme of things, diagnosis in October to now isn’t that long…could you go with him to the next hospital appointment and have him bring up this side effect to the professionals, listen to what they say? It would help you to believe he cares…words are cheap and him just saying he’s frustrated too isn’t putting effort in.

I wouldn’t give up just yet, at least wait until his next hospital appointment. I don’t think people know exactly how exhausting having a thyroid condition is.

How exhausted he is is not the point. He needs to be with someone who doesn’t mind not having sex.

I'm going to go to his hospital appointment with him. Then if things don't change after this medication review, I'm going to walk away.
I'm my head I've already left. I find myself pulling away and I seem to have the ick. It's the beginning of the end it seems

You say you only had sex twice in 12 months, but he was only diagnosed in October, so presumably he spent 6 months or more feeling like shit, falling asleep early and not being physically active but did nothing about it?

Besides the medication from his doctor, has he done anything else to address this issue? Changed his diet or exercise? Cut out alcohol or sugar for example?

I think if he’d been actively attempting to sort this problem he’d be worth sticking around a bit longer for. But if he’s done nothing for ages, then gone to the docs and found the tablets don’t work and hasn’t pushed for alternative treatment I’d be frustrated; no one wants a man child they need to mother. He needs to actively try to improve his own health himself.