Trying to hold everything together and really really struggling

[MissCooCooMcgoo]

Not sure relationships is necessarily the best place so sorry but it's the closest I have the brain power atm to consider and it's kinder than AIBU.

I am having the worst 18 months of my life so far.

My DH was made redundant in December following 9 months of very poor mental health during which he wanted to hurt himself. I have never been so frightened in all my life that I was going to lose him. He is currently not working a d in the middle of titrating into a new medication. He has been unwell for a long time and on medication for the last 20 years (we have been together 14)

He currently needs me emotionally stable and needs quite a lot of care (reminding to eat and wash and change clothes, do lose t things)

On top of this he has had an ADHD diagnosis and I have started to see many traits in our two DC.

I have 1 DC under CAMHS and both booked for beginning an ADHD assessment on Friday with the GP via right to choose.

Eldest is due braces at the end of April and because of his ND will hate hate hate every second of the orthotic process but this is very medically necessary and must happen. He will make the situation everyone else's problem 24/7 365. So I am dreading adding this to the list of stressful things the family are dealing with right now.

I am trying to sort adult social care for my 96 year old grandad and there are a lot of demands there.

I do all the washing, cleaning, ironing, paperwork, finances, mental load stuff.

Then the cherry on the cake is I am awaiting diagnosis of a suspected melanoma that took them 6 weeks for a first appointment another week to remove (by luck of an appointment coming free I think) and now a potential 6-8 week wait for results follow up appointment booked for MAY! This is well outside of the 28day fast diagnosis NHS policy.

I also work full time in a very full-on position and I am now the sole earner. I want DH getting well not working right now and so it is how it must be.

I feel I have nobody to talk to, because of DH ND (RSD) if I mention being unhappy or upset this is taken very personally and impact his mental health further.

No family support. Only a handful of friends whjo have their own shit going on, but we do talk sometimes.

I often joke I'm made of diamonds but I feel like I'm starting to crack under the pressure.

I don't know what I want anyone to say. I just feel exhausted today.

That sounds so so tough, having to hold it together when under so much pressure. No words really, other to say that you sound amazing. Good luck

@Octoberfest since the melanoma shit I have a constant background dread of wtf my children will do without me. Their dad would try, but losing me would destroy him. He's a potato not an egg (if anyone's heard that hot water analogy)

I'm so sorry. I also have an ADHD dh and 2x ADHD kids so I do know a little of feeling like the only adult in a tricky house sometimes. And it's hard, and you have so much other stuff leaning on you too. I don't know what to say...I try now to take time for myself, guilt free, to do whatever recharges you. However random that might be.

They are also not always predictable...I could think something will be really hard for them but they might be fine...and something tiny might cause a lot of upset. So I try just to deal with today now. And let them take on as much as they can.

I hope things improve for you.

Adhd meds were brilliant for my kids. Omg life is so much easier for them (and me).

(After finding the right one/titration etc)

No wonder you feel exhausted. You've got so much on and are trying to be strong for everyone else - but no-one who can support you at the moment.

I've had some very tough times recently - My mum was diagnosed as terminal, then died of bowel cancer... We moved house at the same time (exchanged the day she died, she was cremated the day after we moved 5.5 hours drive away from our old house)... I was in A&E with stomach pains 2 weeks later after years of gallbladder issues, Diverticular issues etc etc etc..... as crap as it's been - I had sisters and friends to support me.

I know you say your friends have their own shit - But if they're friends. Surely they can support you to a degree? Are you typically the "Strong friend?" The one others come to but never asks for help? I've been in that role and to ask for help can be quite hard... But my Goodness - you've got so much on your shoulders.

If not - what about a counsellor? Literally... Just to vent? To talk about things? To have someone listen to you?

Can you carve any time out for self care?

The more stress you feel, the less able you're going to be to support everyone else.

We can't solve your challenges - but when I was going through shit, it just helped knowing that people heard me and acknowledged it was shit.

I've read your post - you are going through a hideously tough time - even half of the things you mention would be a lot. It's shit and no wonder you're feeling so exhausted.

My friends are great, but I have one going through the loss of her mum, another who is 4 hours away and another who has had a knee replacement and going through his own challenges with that.

We all talk and I'm able to tell them things but there's not much that they can help with.

The only one causing no major issues is my youngest, who is a little ray of bouncy sunshine. But I'm worried that that's his way of coping with all the stress and worry he's not stupid, he notices things are happening.

Oh OP, that all sounds so tough. You are doing amazingly!
Not sure how old the DC are and what time they go to bed but could you try to carve out half an hour for yourself every night, even if it’s at 9/9:30? Find a really gripping series, have a bath, do some stretches/yoga or have a cup of tea and a treat. As Mums, all we do is worry but try to take each day/week at a time. Face the braces drama when it happens, try not to let it upset you before then. Wishing you a positive outcome for your own test results 🙏

Any workplace counselling you could access OP? You sound like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders - might be good if you could find someone professional to talk to about it?
Hoping things get better for you - it sounds very very tough. X

When I had a similar amount of shit on my plate I got weekly therapy.

it helped me prioritise as well.

realistically your priorities are

1 your health
2 your health
3 your health

so put stuff off and delay things if necessary so that you can keep going and do not get too overloaded.

I was in a similar place a couple of years ago and used the online therapy plaform
Bettter Help. You can text a counsellor live in an hour session and also mid week. Like a helpful diary.

It sounds like you have so much on your plate, no wonder you're struggling! You really do need to prioritise yourself at least sometimes, you cannot pour from an empty cup! Is there any health cover at work that you can apply for some counselling sessions? Just so you can offload without any guilt or obligations.

When I've been in similar stressful situations (full time carer for severely disabled son) I find that my anxiety is heightened to the point where I'm always worrying that the worst is going to happen and catastrophising in my head. In reality, half the things I got myself in a complete panic about either didn't happen or weren't as bad as I thought they would be - all that dread and anxiety didn't actually do anything except make me feel dreadful. Now, I try not to think too far ahead and take a day at a time (sometimes an hour at a time!) and I tell myself that whatever happens I will deal with as I've dealt with everything that has come before. You've got through a myriad of difficult times and you're still standing. There have been times when you felt overwhelmed but you've come through them. Trust yourself that you will handle whatever comes your way.

If you can carve out small bursts of time, even 10/20 minutes to get outside and just walk round the block, clear your head, listen to an audiobook or music, or just breathe, do it. If you can find a yoga class or sit in a coffee shop with a hot drink and slice of cake, so much the better. Are you registered as a carer for your DH? If you can get a carer's assessment from social services, they can arrange support like reflexology, meditation etc which is an hour or so just to focus on yourself and get a break. These things are not indulgence or selfishness, they can help you keep your head above water. You are important too 💐

I don't mean this unkindly, but does your DH try to do anything to help himself as I noticed you said he's been unwell for a long time? I appreciate he's on new medication but having to be "emotionally stable" for him and remind him to wash sounds absolutely suffocating. Let alone adding on everything else you're doing.

It sounds like a huge burden to shoulder on your own.

He does try, but as the adhd comes with executive disfunction actually doing is hard for him.

Imagine knowing what you need to do but having a brain that simply won't let you or shut the fuck up about it.

It's why I help him, because I love him. I can cut down the steps needed for him to eg shower. I turn on the shower, I get him a clean towel, I fetch the clothes he wants for afterwards, put his toothbrush and paste into the cubicle so he can brush in there.

There are so many steps to simply showering that neuro typical people just don't consider. We just get in the shower and wash. A person with adhd can see it as.

Decide to shower
Walk to shower
Turn on shower
Remove clothes
Get clean towel
Get in shower
Wet body
Choose product
Wash hair
Choose product
Rinse gair
Condition hair
Choose product
Rinse hair
Wash arms
Wash legs
Wash torso
Wash feet
Wash privates
Rinse body
Choose product
Wash face
Rinse face
Rinse body
Turn off shower
Get out shower
Dry body
Get toothbrush
Put toothpaste on toothbrush
Brush upperteeth
Brush lower teeth
Spit
Rinse mouth
Wipe mouth
Go upstairs
Choose clothing
Dry hair
Put clothes on

So many actions and decision points are exhausting for him

I am veryuch hoping his new meds start to support him and then we can focus on possible adhd medication to help him with his executive functions.

OP, can you carve out half an hour a day that is just for you? Taking that time to reset each day can help massively - going for a walk, listening to a favourite podcast - anything that brings you peace each day?

Just called to chase up my results. Apparently the results were sent to my consultant on Monday this week by pathology. I will either get a call for an appointment next week or a letter with the results soon.

Fuck sake I wish the secretaries could just tell me. I know they can't because if I have questions they can't answer them.

Shitting myself now.

And, now I have a cold. FML honestly

Hi! Sorry if I'm too late but my wife sees an adhd mentor and its helped her so much. SHe was feeling burnout as well. https://adhdmentor-chollywood.com/ and says she is extremely relatable and nice. She is also a social worker and has ADHD herself so has plenty of experience. She's online and easy to book but I think local to Derby.

Never too late @jlai928

Today is really bad folks. I had a series of panic attacks last night after a particularly challenging week. Went on from 10pm until around 3.30am.

I am absolutely shattered and I can tell my husband is bothered by it because he has taken himself out to his shed.

Why why why are things like this. It feels so unfair. I really struggle to let emotions out. I could really do with a good cry to relieve some of the stress but I can't because the kids are in.

There is a lot I can’t help you with. However, buy some https://moogooskincare.co.uk/products/natural-milk-shampoo?srsltid=AfmBOooelLQAqSSGeZAS2JwYR2MUrudmzz2RcqacVKZVLgxTzEdnoJ0M. Ditch everything else. Does he really need a conditioner? And use it for everyone so that bathroom time for everyone is simplified.

This will reduce the amount of decision making you have listed. It will work just fine as a body wash. If DH doesn’t like it as a face wash, a damp wash cloth will work just as well. If the family find it too rich, decant into a separate bottle and water it down to 50%.

I do see you are scared and exhausted. I’m sorry that I can’t be more useful.

@TheSandgroper simply responding is so helpful. It is helping me feel heard and so I really appreciate it.

OP, you certainly have a lot on your plate.

Vent away.

Big hug((()))

And now my mum has had a fall.

It cannot get worse can it?

Look at what can be offloaded.

Does everyone need a shower every day or can it be every second day? Just for a few weeks?

What does everyone need to eat for dinner every night? Can that be changed to a cheese toastie every second night? Just for a few weeks!

My mum has died