Trying to hold everything together and really really struggling

[MissCooCooMcgoo]

Not sure relationships is necessarily the best place so sorry but it's the closest I have the brain power atm to consider and it's kinder than AIBU.

I am having the worst 18 months of my life so far.

My DH was made redundant in December following 9 months of very poor mental health during which he wanted to hurt himself. I have never been so frightened in all my life that I was going to lose him. He is currently not working a d in the middle of titrating into a new medication. He has been unwell for a long time and on medication for the last 20 years (we have been together 14)

He currently needs me emotionally stable and needs quite a lot of care (reminding to eat and wash and change clothes, do lose t things)

On top of this he has had an ADHD diagnosis and I have started to see many traits in our two DC.

I have 1 DC under CAMHS and both booked for beginning an ADHD assessment on Friday with the GP via right to choose.

Eldest is due braces at the end of April and because of his ND will hate hate hate every second of the orthotic process but this is very medically necessary and must happen. He will make the situation everyone else's problem 24/7 365. So I am dreading adding this to the list of stressful things the family are dealing with right now.

I am trying to sort adult social care for my 96 year old grandad and there are a lot of demands there.

I do all the washing, cleaning, ironing, paperwork, finances, mental load stuff.

Then the cherry on the cake is I am awaiting diagnosis of a suspected melanoma that took them 6 weeks for a first appointment another week to remove (by luck of an appointment coming free I think) and now a potential 6-8 week wait for results follow up appointment booked for MAY! This is well outside of the 28day fast diagnosis NHS policy.

I also work full time in a very full-on position and I am now the sole earner. I want DH getting well not working right now and so it is how it must be.

I feel I have nobody to talk to, because of DH ND (RSD) if I mention being unhappy or upset this is taken very personally and impact his mental health further.

No family support. Only a handful of friends whjo have their own shit going on, but we do talk sometimes.

I often joke I'm made of diamonds but I feel like I'm starting to crack under the pressure.

I don't know what I want anyone to say. I just feel exhausted today.

I’m so so sorry OP. You need to prioritise yourself - you can’t look after anyone if you are broken. If DH doesn’t shower he doesn’t shower - it’s not the end of the world.
I really hope you find a way forward. Don’t forget that YOU are important too and now you need space and time.

@MissCooCooMcgoo I’m so sorry to hear. I’m sending enormous hugs to you.

So sorry OP. Can you take leave from work for a week? Even a month. Get some time and space for yourself.

do you have siblings or anyone who will help organise the funeral?

does your work have an employee assistance program that could help you?

Oh my goodness. hugs.
I know it will be the furthest thing from your mind right now, and I see you said before about your friends having their own stuff, but PLEASE contact them and ask if they can be there to help if needed,.

I didn't do this when my mum died and it near broke me.

I'm so sorry 😞 sending hugs to you 💐

It happened so suddenly.

She had a fall, we think on Saturday night and we found her on the floor on Monday morning.

Doctors at the hospital said her kidneys were in very poor condition when she arrived and she had contracted sepsis.

They stabilised her and took her for a CT to check for physical injury and she crashed in the CT machine.

Oh my love, I can’t believe your latest updates. There are no words. Please, please lean on your friends. They will give you the support they are able to. I would be devastated if a friend didn’t want to bother me when they were going through such a huge loss, as I would want to help however I was able to at the time. So sorry OP

As we age and the brain matures, even ND brains develop better executive function. And on top of that lots of nd people learn strategies to manage. In fact medication doesn’t suit all nd people and there isn’t any for ASD, so learning strategies is the way it’s handled. I think you are completely infantilising an adult here and encouraging dependence. If you told me this is what you were doing for a teenager, I’d be encouraging you to move them to being more independent. Additionally, your children will be impacted by their father’s mental health it’s extremely stressful to live with an adult who can’t actually emotionally function as one. And leads to a cycle in which no one is allowed to verbalise this as it’s seen as critical of the ill person.

Id put your life jacket on first and reprioritise. Your kids are first after you, grandad needs to be passed to social services and your DH needs to get strategies in place. He sounds at the level of needing a care co-ordinatior. You will go under and then everything will go down.

I’ve not been very helpful. But I think you just need to be incredibly selfish here for you and your kid’s sake. I’d probably leave the relationship. If you’re going to tell me that your dh would harm himself if you did, then it’s emotional abuse to be honest.

and complain to PALS re your delays. One email and offen sorts it

I agree.

Ihave to say, as a friend of someone with severe ADHD, and with a kid with ADD...I feel like there may be a degree of manipulation on the partners side here. It seems that OP is caring for him so well, he sees no issue to try and seek a routine/work arounds for himself.
OR, he is more in a depressed zombie state than ADHD executive dysfunction. Which sounds like he could do with some residential care or a carer.
And yes, it may be that he needs to be on his own in order to get this.

My eldest has worked a routine, and whilst it may take them an hour - they have managed to work it out themselves with timers.

Test results aren't available online. Sadly different parts of the NHS use different things- my GP uses the NHS app, my mother's GP uses systemonline and Guys hospital a different one again! But the secretaries will be able to tell you which one you need to download for the melanoma test results, and/or they will be sent to your GP so their system will also have the results. Whatever they use, download the NHS app, its useful regardless. And once you are all set up you can make online appointments, send messages, see your notes, order medication. You can manage accounts for others too. Might make life a little easier.

I am deeply sorry for the sudden loss of your beloved mum, may you be given strength and comfort in your grief xxxxx

I’m so sorry for your loss - this on top of everything else is massive. I have 2 autistic kids now teenagers and want to give you some hope for the future. My son had terrible emotional regulation, now 22 lives with his gf and has good job. I think in order for your mental health to survive you’ll have to put husband to the bottom of the list. You DESERVE to give yourself some time and kindness

Oh OP, life sounded so tough for you already and then you lose your mum too. I am so so sorry.

I am hoping that you have a supportive workplace and GP and can be signed off sick for a period.

I have no words of wisdom as I am going through similar crap myself. It’s so hard being the sandwich generation and dealing with kids and elderly relatives.

I imagining that things are really raw right now but do consider some counselling. You may be able to access through your GP or workplace. If you do end up with a cancer diagnosis yourself then you may be able to access psychological support through the hospital or you could try Penny Brohn https://pennybrohn.org.uk

look after yourself x

Hello, everyone. It's mums funeral tomorrow. I would prefer a hole in the head.

Nobody has helped, I've sorted it on my own. My poor grandad is devastated as is my eldest child.

My husband is still struggling, he and the eldest so nothing but bicker.

I feel anxious and sad and it's all so very shit.

When will my life get easier?

Sending you lots of love OP. Right now it's shit. Really shit. Get through tomorrow, making it through the day is a win for you.
Can I ask - do you work currently? If you do, ask about if they have an employee assistance programme - you can get referred for counselling sessions a lot quicker than the NHS. You need someone to talk to, to listen to you. Sending a massive hug with extra squeezes.

@Tigeresslearns I do work yes, I am the sole earner. Work have been fantastic as per. I've been off now for 5 weeks.

We do have an EAP who I will be getting in touch with when I go back on Monday.

I need to get back to "normal" mum dying has really reset my perspective filter.