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Original poster

a friend's behaviour - drugs

49 replies

susia · 16/06/2008 22:40

I have a very good friend whose behaviour has really worried me. She is a single parent with 3 kids. She takes alot of drugs, to the point where the oldest 14 has to look after the younger ones alot. She drinks alot and is often out of control.

I would never do anything like report her to social services as she adores her children and they adore her. But her behaviour is getting out of control. She takes hard drugs like ketamine and frequently gets really ill. She is very thin and for example doesn't cook etc.

I have spoken to her about this and in fact a few years ago she stopped talking to me for a long time.

Other 'friends' have contacted SS and this has not helped

OP posts:
Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 22:49

anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
bogie · 16/06/2008 22:53

Only way is SS in cases like this, The more people who report her the better.

They won't always take the kids away but they will work alongside the family to try and get her off drugs.
If she adored her kids so much she would be there for them insted of the 14 year old having so much responsability

Yurtgirl · 16/06/2008 22:55

Getting her off the drugs is obviously the ideal solution! Does she have a drugs worker or anything?
How old are her kids?

It muat be very confuseing for her kids to witness their mother behaving in such an erratic way. For her kids sake I couldnt not do something

Yurtgirl · 16/06/2008 22:56

Organisations like Surestart or Homestart could be involved too to help but surely social services is the first port of call, even though it didnt help before

maidamess · 16/06/2008 22:57

I would contact SS. Think about her children. She needs help, and may thank you in the long run, if you can offer her help too.

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 22:57

doing something though is either reporting her to social services or telling her what I think. I have done the 2nd one and she felt I was judgemental and would have nothing to do with me if I said anything again and I feel the best I can do for her is be there for her if she asks me.

Reporting her to social services seems malicious and they didn't do anything last time.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 16/06/2008 22:57

Sounds like she needs help getting off drugs. If she uses them erractically she may have a problem coming to terms that she has an addiction to kick, so that's the first step.

Disenchanted · 16/06/2008 22:58

You NEED to ring social services.

You priority and concern should firstly go towards those childrens welfare not your friendship!

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 23:00

she doesn't think she has an addiction. she takes a range of drugs from weed, to coke to ketamine to speed every weekend and smokes spliffs every night plus drinks.

what worries me most is that most weekends rather than be with the kids she is sleeping off the effects and the oldest have to look after the younger ones.

OP posts:
maidamess · 16/06/2008 23:01

Sounds like an addiction to me.

bogie · 16/06/2008 23:01

You must know that she is soo wrong in what she is doing and the only way anything will be done is keep reporting her to SS there is no other way for the kids sake

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 23:03

but reporting her could mean her kids being taken away and that is the last thing that I think her family needs. She loves them and they her. Plus it would be the end of our friendship

OP posts:
Thomcat · 16/06/2008 23:04

Bloody hell, that's not erractic, recreational use. That's an addiction. Oh dear. She sounds like she really needs some help. It would be great if you can get her to see that and seek help herself and support her through that rather than have to get SS on her. Gonna have to be one or the other though. Could you forgive yourself if anything happened to her or the kids if you don't step in a bit? No-one else is gonna do it, it's down to you by the sounds of it I'm afraid

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 23:05

in the past we have both helped each other out a lot - had each other's kids to stay, been there for each other etc but at the moment she doesn't seem interested in my son or her own kids. she just wants the youngest to not be around her.

OP posts:
maidamess · 16/06/2008 23:05

But do her kids need a drug addicted Mum more? Sorry but it sounds like you are putting your friendship above the needs of the children, who do not have a choice in the matter.

CoteDAzur · 16/06/2008 23:05

-- Which drugs does she take and how often?

Ketamine isn't something you can take in the daytime and still function (talk, walk, act reasonably normal) among other people. I am guessing that she only takes it when she is out partying.

I am also guessing that she could be taking ecstacy and smoking weed/hash, as nobody does just ketamine. Again, the frequency is important. If she is just going out for a party on a weekend night, I don't think getting SS involved is justified. If it is every other night, yes, you should call SS right away.

-- How often do you see this woman?

I am asking, because if she is as heavily involved with drugs as you think, she will not have lots of free time to socialize with people who don't do them. If you sometimes meet her for dinner and see her several times a week during the day, the problem is probably not as big as you fear.

umberella · 16/06/2008 23:06

social services.

you need to think about her children.

Anglepoise · 16/06/2008 23:08

"but reporting her could mean her kids being taken away and that is the last thing that I think her family needs. She loves them and they her."

Tbh it sounds as though the kids could do with some stability. Even if they are taken away from her, it may not be permanent and she should still be able to see them, but it might give her the space and motivation to sort herself out.

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 23:08

the trouble is the people she mixes with now are all the same, drug problems some worse than her and she therefore thinks she is ok.

she has said in the past that I am over protective etc of my son.

OP posts:
maidamess · 16/06/2008 23:09

Also, think about the type of people she will be in contact with, that may be visiting the house. Its terrible to think of children being raised in that environment. Is there a HV you could speak to who could pass the situation onto SS if you are not sure?

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 23:12

coteazur - she takes ketamine, speed, estacy, coke anything really.

I see her about every 3 weeks, she doesn't meet me unless I go to her house at the moment and we sometime ask her oldest children to babysit and go out. But for her going out always involves drugs. I don't know how often she does it but I presume at least once a week for a big session and drink/spliffs the rest of the week.

what worries me most though is not the frequency (cos I don't know how often) but the state that she gets in and is up all night then sleeping all day.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 16/06/2008 23:12

'Spliffs' are not physically addictive and loads of people (including parents) smoke them every night after their DCs are in bed.

She doesn't sound addicted to the rest, either, if it is just one night per week.

Sorry to go against the tide here.

The real problem here is the neglect, if she doesn't have proper care arranged for the kids when she is out partying and the next day when she is sleeping in.

Personally, I think she is being irresponsible. However, before getting SS involved, I would think if her DCs' lives are going to be better or worse if they are taken away from her.

Yurtgirl · 16/06/2008 23:13

Susia - I am confused about why you want to be her friend whilst she is using drugs? Why would you want her to be interested in your son?

I dont get it. Yes she is your friend. Everybody needs friends.

But the welfare of her children is more important than your friendship - way more important

If you get her help and continue to support her and her kids through this problem - she might thank you one day

AND still be your friend

If she ends up dead, or her kids end up on drugs at least you will be able to reassure yourself that you were her friend

Original poster
susia · 16/06/2008 23:15

I agree with you cotedazur - I think alot of people assume recreational use is far worse than it is. and I really don't agree in any way that taking her kids away is a good thing. It would devastate the family.

Alot of people I know take some things like spliffs occasionally.

the problem is she is getting worse and neglecting her kids and sleeping all day...

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 16/06/2008 23:16

Up all night and sleeping the next day is normal on drugs like ecstacy, coke, and speed. If you dance all night like a crazy person, you are bound to be very tired when you finally go to sleep.

What do children do when she sleeps all day on a Saturday, for example?

What do you mean she is 'out of control a lot'?

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