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Original poster

a friend's behaviour - drugs

49 replies

susia · 16/06/2008 22:40

I have a very good friend whose behaviour has really worried me. She is a single parent with 3 kids. She takes alot of drugs, to the point where the oldest 14 has to look after the younger ones alot. She drinks alot and is often out of control.

I would never do anything like report her to social services as she adores her children and they adore her. But her behaviour is getting out of control. She takes hard drugs like ketamine and frequently gets really ill. She is very thin and for example doesn't cook etc.

I have spoken to her about this and in fact a few years ago she stopped talking to me for a long time.

Other 'friends' have contacted SS and this has not helped

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 16/06/2008 23:20

I mean recently I saw her at a party and she was driving (with four kids) and she was really drunk.

Last weekend she was so drunk she could barely talk.

Children look after the younger ones when she sleeps all day. Oldest ones look after themselves (14,11)

OP posts:

Yurtgirl · 16/06/2008 23:23

Driving with four kids

fgs call social services

Anglepoise · 16/06/2008 23:30

Recreational use doesn't bother me, but this sounds a bit more serious than that!

As someone who has worked in family law and who is currently ploughing through "Toxic Parents", I'm not convinced that a month or so in foster care could be the worst thing to happen to these kids.

Original poster

susia · 16/06/2008 23:32

I think a month or so in foster care would be terrible, the consequences could be to set her into terrible depression and her drug use would escalate and then lose them forever.

OP posts:

AbstractMouse · 16/06/2008 23:49

I would walk to the ends of the earth to avoid SS in my life, but I really think you should call them. Taking drugs recreationally when your children are well looked after is one thing, but relying on a 14 and 11 yo to basically half raise your other children is another, nevermind the drink driving aspect. You know this is wrong.

Anglepoise · 16/06/2008 23:50

It could, or it could give her the space and motivation to sort herself out.

Are her family nearby/supportive? IIRC, kids are more likely to be placed temporarily with other family members if at all possible.

Original poster

susia · 16/06/2008 23:52

her family are no support, they gave up on her years ago when drug use was apparent then. I think her lack of support from her family has partly caused her problems.

OP posts:

Anglepoise · 17/06/2008 00:00

She does sound as though she has deeper issues than just wanting to relax every now and then.

SS involvement might make it clear to her that the current situation is neither normal nor right.

I guess what you have to decide is whether the current situation is going to get better or worse, and whether involving SS is more likely to make it better or worse than it is at the moment.

I don't envy you the decision.

Anglepoise · 17/06/2008 00:07

Oh, and there may be a real lawyer around who can correct me (I'm out of touch ) but removing someone's children permanently without their consent is bloody difficult and involves a trip to court etc - and is also I believe very much a last resort. They are more likely ime (limited and purely professional) to intervene to give her temporary respite/help.

JessJess3908 · 17/06/2008 10:51

I've found that when people get a habit they often surround themselves with other addicts so that their behaviour seems more 'normal'. This sounds like what your friend is doing too?

If you don't want to go to SS the only thing you can do is try to talk to her. Perhaps arrange a day out with all your kids? Or something sedate for just the two of you (swimming? cinema?)? Then if she can't cope with that and tries to make it a drinking/drugs activity you can point out that that seems to be all she wants to do lately?

I feel for you as I had a friend like this and there really is nothing you can do. Thank god my friend didn't have kids and she did pull herself out of it in the end.

CoteDAzur · 17/06/2008 10:55

susia - If she is drunk, then she wasn't on the hard drugs. Does that mean she doesn't do drugs every weekend, then? (trying to find a positive point )

It is of course inexcusable that she is driving drunk, AND with kids in the car. Was it not possible to get car keys off her and have someone else drive kids home?

CoteDAzur · 17/06/2008 10:58

People who do drugs hang out together because what they will do is only fun if you are on the same drug.

It's incredibly boring to be the only one not on an upper (ecstacy, cocaine, speed) in a club and want to just go home and die when everyone else is dancing about having the time of their lives. It is also incredibly boring to be the only one not on a downer (spliff) when everyone else is slumped in comfy couches, speaking gibberish reaaallyyy slooowwwllyyyy.

It doesn't have anything to do with feeling what you are doing is normal or respectable because everyone else around you is doing it.

yaryar · 17/06/2008 11:06

It's the ketamine use i'd be concerned about. It renders you unable to move/function and befuddles your brain. If something happened to those children in the night she's be fuckd.

Personally I think the call to SSD should depend on whether she is taking steps to ensure her children are cared for while she is off her face. Is there someone not under the influence looking after the children when this is going on?

yaryar · 17/06/2008 11:07

Sorry "she'd"

CrushWithEyeliner · 17/06/2008 11:13

both she and the children need help

I would call SS immediately

Blandmum · 17/06/2008 11:16

She needs help, and the children need to be safe.

she is not going to be compitent to look after them if she is takeing ketamine, it is a horse tranquilzer ffs!

SmallShips · 17/06/2008 12:38

Im sure you know what you need to do. Drink driving??

SS need to be involved, atleast to help her get off the drugs, one bad hit of speed can cause a heart attack, what if that happend around her kids?? The kids arent safe around her at the moment and they should be everyones priority.

Original poster

susia · 17/06/2008 22:37

the thing is that SS wouldn't get her off drugs I think it would make things worse. I think she would go into depression, turn against me and continue with the drugs. This weekend apparently after I saw her when she was really drunk she then took LSD.

I spoke about it to another friend and she said that it would not work to speak to her or anyone else about it and I sort of agree. I will talk to her but don't know how to phrase it.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 17/06/2008 22:40

I could have tried to have got her keys off her when she was drunk driving but I didn't think of it at the time. I live close to where we were and suggested she call a taxi from mine or stay with me but she had her kids with her and wouldn't have stayed and was set on driving.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 17/06/2008 23:02

I think it is far more complex than getting SS involved as I think it would destroy her family

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 18/06/2008 08:22

I think the way to speak to her would be not "Don't do drugs" because she will then react and push you out, but "Limit it to one night on the weekend, and make sure kids are taken care of".

Surfermum · 18/06/2008 17:08

Continuing with her current behaviour without getting some help is what will destroy her family.

Getting the help she needs, making some changes in her life, and accepting the support of social services while she gets clean could be the making of her family.

TeeBee · 18/06/2008 17:24

Of course she is going to get pissed of with you if you contact SS, or if you confront her about it. She doesn't want to accept that what she is doing is wrong. But if you are her friend you need to rise above your need to remain friendly with her, and really give her the help she and her children need. You won't thank you, but she might understand why you have done it and respect that you care enough about her not to let her sink into oblivion. I don't see what choice you have - apart from doing nothing. And what true friend would do that?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/06/2008 17:31

SSD will not 'take her kids away' unless she is really harming them and shows no desire to change, and if that's the case then they would be right, but I doubt that's the case. She needs to make changes and if she has to be forced into it by a scare from SS then so be it. You wouldn't be malicious but protecting those kids that she is not doing. You can make an anonymous referral and to be honest, if SS don't have all the information, they won't be likely to do much. However the more referrals they get, the better in terms of raising their profile on this family. Just do it, those kids deserve better.

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