Work relationships with a male work friend

[Behappyrubystork]

Hi iv became a close friend of a guy who began working in my department 3 yrs ago . Hes very kind natured funny and we just got on really well. Hes single not experienced much with relationships . Im married woth two children .
Basically hes admitted to being very attracted to and had adores me but thing is iv became attracted to him too. Weve both spoke about this privately but he knows im married and would nt cross boundaries. I would not either but people have said to me at work its obvious he likes me .
So people are noticing it . We have never crossed any boundaries .
He confides in me about his life and his home life with his ill mother and i care for him. I dont want our frienship to end as we are very close what should i do here .

This screams 'emotional affair'.

You either need to end the friendship or leave your husband, basically.

You’ve crossed boundaries imo 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't be friends with someone you are attracted to - it's not possible. You've both admitted to having feelings for each other which is crossing a boundary, of course it is - you need to end the friendship now. Unless this friendship is more important to you than your marriage.

Would you be upset if your DH had a close work relationship with a woman and they said they were attracted to each other?

I think you need to end the friendship, or your marriage will inevitably end.

You are really sailing close to the wind OP.
As soon as he told you he was attracted to you and " adores" you then you should have drawn back from this relationship with him and put it on a professional, formal basis. The fact you didn't will have given him the green light.
You need to draw back if you value your marriage.
Can you ask to be transferred to another department?

Weve both spoke about this privately but he knows im married and would nt cross boundaries.

You've already crossed boundaries. Would you be happy to tell your husband all of this? No? Then you're cheating.

You don't want your friendship to end but you don't seem that worried that your marriage may end if your DH finds out about this.

You already know how massively inappropriate and wrong this is, or you wouldn't be posting on here.

You are having an emotional affair, declaring your attraction to one another so boundaries have already been well and truly crossed.

If you love your husband, and your marriage is more important, you would be absolutely be ending this right now.

No-one here can tell you what to do. But you can't continue with this AND stay married. Its called having your cake and eating it.

Do you want to keep your friendship or your marriage? There is no “both” option.

Poor form op.

This is no longer a friendship, it's an emotional and romantic affair. You end it or your marriage.

You can't have both.

This is stupid, OP. He wouldn't have confessed that he 'adores you' unless you were receptive to that -- you sound just as naive and teenage as him. Why didn't you just close it down? We've all come across the odd person who is attracted to us when we're committed to someone else. It's not wildly unusual. 'The one' isn't real. From time to time we all meet some other 'one'. But you shrug and close it down firmly, and tactfully, if it's someone you like and value. Not all attractions need to be acted on. You've made your choice to marry and have children. You're not in the market. Say that.

I feel so bad but i know i have to end the friendship. He has other women friends so i dint know if he says same to them . He constantly complimenting me through messages also

You need to look for another job

Its not possible for me to change jobs. I will keep the a distance and keep it work related. He is a lovely caring man and he will understand

Discussing how attracted you are to each other would definitely be crossing boundaries in the majority of marriages.

You have crossed boundaries already, at this point it's an emotional affair.

You should have dropped him the moment you started to develop feelings and definitely when he said he was attracted to you.
You need to stop this now, your poor husband..

Of course it’s possible, you just don’t really want to stop seeing OM.

If you were sacked or made redundant you would find another job.

I feel sorry for your family.

He chats with others in the department im not the only one he confides in . Hes very needy and doesnt have many male friends. Its more weve became emotionally attached than anything really. But yes i know this cant continue . Jst need advice on how to end it nicely and wont effect our work.

You don't need to quit your job @Behappyrubystork , life is not that simple, especially not in today's economy. You are adults, not children, so you should be able to sort this as such: All you need to do is take a step - a big step - back from being close to the guy. Whether you just do it, or actually tell him that it is what is happening is up to you. The friendship itself wouldn't be a problem on its own, but the mutual attraction part is ....yikes. I am a man who also has good friends at work who are women, it is definitely not a shocking thing. There is absolutely no message or conversation I would be uncomfortable with if my wife heard/seen them. What you have been doing is letting this develop a little too much, I have a feeling you enjoyed the attention or attraction.

It is worth thinking about how your husband would feel about it.

ExhaustDAD thank you for your reply. We meant no harm we just got on really well and yes he does say the nicest flattering thing to me which i suppose is nice from time to time. But id never cheat on my husband . I will pull back on the personal txts though prob shoukd never got that far anyway.

You are not even being fair to him as you are building up his hopes..also who needs a needy man! If your dh finds those messages you are in deep water. I would pull back and talk lots about your dh/ children so he is not in any doubt as to where your loyalty lies

Eek, yeah pull back. It has crossed a line already and sounds like you have a big crush. Distance and time is what you need.

He has been a very kind work colleague and very helpful . Feel like iv committed a crime here without realising we jst get on so well same interests. Hope he meets someone as he deserves a good partner. I guess i just cared too much for him .thanks for all the advise . All messages between us are now deleted .