Work relationships with a male work friend

[Behappyrubystork]

Hi iv became a close friend of a guy who began working in my department 3 yrs ago . Hes very kind natured funny and we just got on really well. Hes single not experienced much with relationships . Im married woth two children .
Basically hes admitted to being very attracted to and had adores me but thing is iv became attracted to him too. Weve both spoke about this privately but he knows im married and would nt cross boundaries. I would not either but people have said to me at work its obvious he likes me .
So people are noticing it . We have never crossed any boundaries .
He confides in me about his life and his home life with his ill mother and i care for him. I dont want our frienship to end as we are very close what should i do here .

To be honest you crossed a boundary by admitting that you have feelings for him. He has nothing to lose, you have everything to loose. Let's be honest, a flirty office attraction is one thing but I cant believe he has thought much beyond a potential shag and the thrill of an affair.

You've already crossed boundaries op.
I'm going to suggest you talk to your husband about this. It won't be an easy conversation but I'm sure he'd rather you were open now than further down the line.
It'll give you both a chance to have an honest conversation about what you're getting from your relationship with this colleague and give you both a chance to start getting that from your marriage.
It'll also take the secrecy out of the relationship with the colleague and I'm certain you'll be much more careful about boundaries going forward knowing your husband is aware.
If you value and trust your husband, and honestly don't feel you've done anything wrong then now is the time to be open.

Very well put,@Allthegoodonesareg0ne . I would suggest the same. (In the husband's shoes I would want to know, too)

He has been kind and helpful because he wants to get in your knickers. What an absolute massive shit this man is to pursue a married woman and you are at best a naive fool.

@Behappyrubystork, you’ve been playing with fire and betraying your Husband. Please show him and your children the respect they deserve by immediately distancing from this colleague.

This is emotional infidelity. It’s all there — mutual acknowledgment of attraction; building emotional intimacy via private messaging, confiding, and sharing in-jokes and commonalities; pursuing and enjoying mutual ego validation.

I suggest you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She discusses how marriages/partnerships are damaged when one partner blurs boundaries in a friendship and invests more and more emotional energy into the third party, resulting in emotional and physical affairs.

Shut this down pronto, @Behappyrubystork. Examine why you chose to weaken your boundaries and risk your marriage for the
feel-goods of this man’s attention and flattery.

As someone who has been in a similar situation, please just pull back from the friendship now and keep it professional before it’s too late. Imagine if your husband found out what had been said, he would be heartbroken.
You won’t have to leave your job, just say from now on I won’t be able to talk to you much any more.

He has never suggessted anything sexual or have i . Iv spoken to him now about this and hes devastated im pulling back . He says he very sorry and its all his fault that he would never do thing inapropriate or cause any harm . and dont want to lose our friendship as iv been a great friend to him .

OP, if he is 'needy', struggles with friendships, and 'confides' in lots of people at work about his life and his ill mother, he sounds like a bit of a car crash -- I mean, for all you know he tells every woman in the department that he's admitted to being very attracted to and adores me, but you're the only one who doesn't say 'For god's sake, Nigel, do you think my references to my husband and two children are some kind of elaborate coverstory, and I'm really single and dying to date you?'

He sounds like a bit of a trainwreck.

Thanks for the update OP. I know you might miss the friendship but however tempting do not go back and please do stay strong and keep it professional. It sounds like he does have other friendships in the office so he may well move closer to those.
At some point in the future you will be able to look back at this and think Thank God it didn’t go any further.

Gona be tough with working together but ill navigate it somehow

You've both crossed a line.

Well done in trying to create distance now. Shows him up in a bad light that he's showing his 'devastation' that you're pulling back, and that he's putting pressure on you to maintain the relationship. Those are not the actions of a man that means no harm.

See him for what he is, and either seriously end this friendship, or face up to what the probable consequences of this will be.

You have crossed boundaries. You’re in an emotional affair. I know this becuse I have been the single partner in that relationship. It was “chaste” in that we never kissed or slept together but we shared confidences, held hands and even shared a bed (for context the other person was in a relationship but not married or engaged, and we were all still in our mid twenties and no kids involved, I would have not behaved in that way if he was actually married).

The attached person chose to stay with his partner and they are now married and we are still friends and I am married too, a lot of water is under the bridge. I don’t retain any romantic feelings for him. However back then his choice to stay with her really really hurt. I loved him and he didn’t pick me.

You are hurting two people - your colleague and, even if he doesn’t know it, your husband. I would suggest you pull right back now and put all that energy into your marriage if you don’t want to upend your life

He says he never wanted to hurt me in any way jst wants me to be happy and was his fault he overstepped the line . But couldnt help developing feelings for me. I told him we both crossed boundaries and going forward we stay platonic strictly.

Why is letting go of a friendship so terribly painful . Its like losing something . Wish this was easier

I know it’s going to feel very strange for a while but stay strong. It will take some time but gradually you will feel better about it and this will pass. 💐

Hi again things with my male co worker have gotten better we still talk but thats it ..he knows the boundaries as do i ..but feelings still not fully gone ..think well always have that but can never act on them .
Hopeing these feelings will go someday . Has anyone here had a similar situation 😌

Your poor husband.

Either separate from your husband and have a full on relationship with this bloke at work - and I bet he’ll lose interest as soon as you’ve shagged him - or stop seeing him as some kind of romantic hero, and crack on with your job.

There’s an awful lot about you and him in all your posts. How do you think your husband would feel about this information?

Hi @Behappyrubystork hope you’re ok. It’s just been a few weeks, so it will still feel strange for a good while. As long as you keep interactions just job related, that will help. If there are opportunities to spend less time working together that helps too, as seeing each other will trigger those emotions.

@Behappyrubystork

I’m pasting something i posted in a different thread but i think is relevant and hopefully may help you a bit:

“DH and I have been together for c. 25 years and in that time I have had occasional passing attractions to other men and twice (about 12 years apart) developed deeper crushes on other men. I think it is quite normal in a long relationship to have occasional attractions to other people. After all, the wedding vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if all other people immediately ceased to be attractive. I therefore also do not think that attraction to someone else is a sign that there is something missing in the main love relationship.

For me, one of the main points of commitment is choosing your long-term relationship over your passing attraction to someone else. On both occasions with those deeper attractions, I still felt deep love for my husband. There was no way that I would have acted on the crush - both my crushes were coupled up also and nothing happened in either case - but in any case, I had absolutely no wish to leave my DH for my crush. IME crushes blow themselves out with time. My feelings for my husband are pretty constant - sure we get irritated with each other and very occasionally will have a big row - but mostly I'm really impressed that after 25 years together we can still make each other laugh, have really interesting conversations, enjoy regular sex and generally still get a lot of pleasure and happiness from our connection. For me, that's real love.”

With this guy, i think you crossed a bit of a line by discussing feelings but that’s done now and the context was to tell him that nothing could happen. It is hard to step back from a warm attraction. What helped me was focusing on a few points: (i) that the hurt and devastation that would be caused by acting on these feelings would massively outweigh the temporary warm fuzzy feeling i got from my crush; (ii) your long-term partner can’t compete with shiny and new - that’s circumstantial - but if you’d been with your crush long-term, then it would be the man who’s now your husband who was shiny and new; and (iii) shiny and new doesn’t really hold up against a deep love and companionship built over years.

You keep saying you won't cross boundaries but I'd imagine your husband would expect your boundaries to have been in place long before you've got to this point.

The fact that colleagues have picked up on things is also not a good sign and usually means everyone can see how innapropriate the friendship is.

I've been your husband in this kind of scenario, my wife had an emotional affair with a colleague about 3 years ago. I'd suggest at the very least ending all contact outside of work before you cause irreversible damage to your marriage and family.

Lastly, I do think the majority of people don't ever really go looking to cheat, either emotionally or physically. These things develop exactly how you've described here. Even good people can be great at making bad decisions. Life isn't black and white. Don't beat yourself up over things but please put a stop to it.

its beyond what’s healthy when a man tells you he feels that way and he’s not shut down and hears it’s mutual. This does sound like a (primary) romantic connection