To question my husband sexuality

[javis]

I have been married for 5 years. The first year we dated, our sex life was relatively good although not intense. After a few months, he actually rejected me when I initiated. I will never forget what he said. Basically, that sex was not a nice thing to want from me, that is was « dirty », and that I was better than that. At the time, I knew he was suffering from severe depression, so I thought it was just something he said out of nowhere because he was unwell. But now that I reflect on this, does this sound like someone who suffered from abuse during childhood?

He has always been loving with me and we had a great relationship, apart from sex. We got married, had a child, and then a second. But to have these children, it felt very forced, he didnt enjoy it I could tell, it was like we were having sex just to be pregnant, not for pleasure.

my second is 8 months old now. We still didn’t have sex at all and I don’t think we will. I am more and more convinced there is an issue and it’s not only due to his depression. When talking about homosexuality he would always act strange. Almost defensive. He had and has lots of gay men friends and colleagues. I’m 100% sure nothing ever happened, but I’m wondering if he has no sexual desire for me because he is actually repressed. I don’t know how to talk about it with him without hurting him.

if anyone had any experience in a similar situation please let me know. Am I jumping to conclusions or is it obvious that he isn’t straight/has some kind of trauma preventing him from having a healthy sexuality?

The only person who really knows if he’s secretly gay is him, but I will admit if I was in your shoes I would wonder. Do you think he would ever see a therapist? I have a friend who suffered CSA and I know he really struggled with sex in relationships, therapy really helped. Do you have any other reason for suspecting trauma?

Do you want to help him come to terms with his sexuality, even if it means that he admits he's interested in men and that is the end of your marriage? Think carefully before you act.

what he said about sex being dirty is my main suspicion. He recently started to go church regularly and I know he talks to the priest, maybe he is talking about it. I’m not sure about therapy. I think he would be mortified to admit he has a problem with sex

it definitely sounds like he is gay

You could be right but equally someone who thinks sex is dirty and doesn’t enjoy it could very much be someone who has been abused. And if that’s the case (or indeed if he’s gay), you can’t force him to talk about it, just make it clear that if there is an issue you are there to support him if he wants to talk.

It's worrying to hear that from a married man who's speaking with a priest. Even for devout Christians sex is a positive thing within a marriage and you'd hope a priest would be explaining that although it may not have come up.

It really could be anything op but CSA was my first thought or very repressed feelings around being gay.

I think if it were me I'd be telling him that I love him and want to support him and you obviously know intimacy has been something he's felt conflicted around before and you want him to know you're a safe place if he wants to talk about that.

But op if you open that door and if you promise to support him then you need to think carefully about next steps and what you can actually handle because he may struggle.

I would maybe ask for marriage counselling?

It could be all sorts of things. He might be gay. He might have suffered some sort of sexual trauma. It could be a combination of both those things. Or he might have a colossal Madonna/Whore complex. Nobody here can tell you. But if you stay with him, you’re obviously not going to have any sort of sex life which is frankly no way to live. It’s astonishing that you actually married him given that he started refusing to have sex with you when you were still dating.

As someone who suffered CSA it does sound like abuse from the term "dirty" it took me years of intense therapy to handle stable relationships I don't think think it's his sexuality because gay men engage is sex and they don't think it's dirty so I think it's more likely to be sexual abuse than sexuality if I'm honest

My cousin is way in the closet. He thinks being gay will mean he will go to hell and has forced romances with women which always end badly. All down to his religion of course. We've all known he was gay since childhood.
I suppose its even worse for your husband having children he cant leave.
Can you just ask him or would he be too upset?

@BauhausOfEliott I wasn’t in a good place mentally when we dated. And he was very loving, he actually saved my life. Regarding the sex, I thought it was a phase and it will be sorted. He has an issue with alcohol and antidepressants and I knew it could lower the libido.

It does sound like it's all coming from somewhere although whether that's being gay or abused or just having a really religious or warped view of sex, nobody can really tell you. Perhaps he doesn't necessarily know, himself.

@AnotherHormonalWoman I think that’s exactly what he would tell me. That he doesn’t really know why he is like this. I have this intuition, that he would not tell me the reason ever

This sounds almost exactly like my exH. The gay friends, the lack of sexual interest. I am 100% sure he is a very repressed gay, we divorced and it's been 6 years and he's not been with another woman since (or before me}. I believe when his parents die he may come out. It's terribly sad all round.

Would he go to therapy, for himself, do you think? Better still if he'd be willing to see a sex trauma therapist. You can't make him do it if he doesn't want to or isn't ready (obviously). I think it sounds like he needs to process and work it out for himself and come to terms with it, before he's ever going to be ready to talk to you about it. That plan isn't a guarantee of anything - he may not be willing to go to therapy, he may not be willing to open up during it, he may not end up with the right therapist to draw it out of him, and he may do his therapy and still decide to not share it with you or make any changes in his life.

This is also exactly like my relationship with my ex. He was/is the most loving person. He cared for me deeply and saved my life in many ways. He cares deeply, he just didn't want sex with me. He had lots of gay friends, said he once thought he might be gay but obviously wasn't (!!).

It was so difficult to leave him because of this but personally sex is something I needed in a relationship. I still love him deeply, and he was destroyed by me leaving. It has been horrific, but it was for the best. My children, not his, still see him regularly.

@BananaramaDefenceOh wow this is very similar! May I ask you how things ended? Did you find out or he eventually told you the truth..?

The main issue is (for whatever reason and there could be many) your DH thinks sex with you is dirty and doesn't appear to have any sexual desire for you.
Thats a difficult issue that needs to be addressed for a healthy relationship and for the well being of you both.
Could he be mentally ill,abused or gay ....Yes he could but only he can deal with those things.
Id say to him: sex isnt dirty its normal and healthy,so that you are thinking this way means something isnt right with you. I want you to be well so please seek a professional opinion regarding your mental health.

So… when you met, you were struggling badly with mental health issues, and he was struggling with depression and had (still has?) a problem with alcohol. This all sounds a bit codependent and maybe not the best foundation for a relationship.

If he is a heavy drinker and on antidepressants that could certainly reduce his libido but that obviously doesn’t explain his comment about worrying that sex is ‘dirty’ which is really concerning and suggests some very deep-seated issues to be honest, especially in combination with a history of depression and alcohol reliance.

Whatever the cause, I don’t think it’s something you can fix, especially if he won’t talk about it or admit it isn’t a normal way to be.

Have you told him that sex is important to you and sex is also important for all relationships not just yours ? If he knows its important to you but still witholds it, its a problem. If you cannot communicate freely with him that's also a problem, you both need to be able to communicate freely. Good Luck 👍

Well yes because the other option is OP will remain sexless forever more.

@BauhausOfEliott His drinking issue was horrendous the first year of our relationship I’d say. Now we have our children, it has settled. He needs a drink regularly for sure but nothing too crazy. I think the children really changed him for the better and he is prioritising them.
He doesn’t have any sexual attraction for me. I’m almost certain of that. I don’t really resent him or anything. I think I just accept the situation as it is for now and see if one day he will have the courage to talk to me. I’m not feeling a desperate need for a sexual connection right now, maybe because my children are so young or maybe because I simply have lost my libido. But I really would like to know the truth and hope he doesn’t suffer from anything too serious. We don’t sleep in the same bedroom because I cosleep with my children and he is on his own, I think it contributes to this feeling of detachment right now. I worry a little bit about in a few years, what would be my feelings and expectations from all this

Men who have gay friends aren't really likely to be repressing their own homosexuality, unless there's a background of familial or religious homophobia. Repressed gay men usually don't have an LGBT community or other gay people (who would signpost that being gay and coming out is OK) in their lives.

Basically, that sex was not a nice thing to want from me, that is was « dirty », and that I was better than that

This is pointing towards past sexual trauma or abuse (and his issues with depression and alcohol would fit too).

Hello @javis . Your problem is really heart-breaking. One thing I am really not understanding is - This by all means is not a new problem. In the early days, when the problems surfaced, why would you even go ahead and stay in a relationship, and later even marry and have kids with someone who views you like that? To have sex to conceive children while knowing that the other person is disgusted and hating every moment of it - wow, that is something I don't know how anyone can go ahead with. To each their own, i guess, some people don't find sex important - and excuse me for being a bit blunt here - but no wonder your drive is non-existent, for the longest time you have been told that the sex you offer is "dirty" and not something to be desired, that you are not desired.

This is not something that can magically appear out of nowhere.. Him not feeling himself, or him communicating in a way that is not nice, now that you can work with in therapy. But this? It genuinely sounds to me that it almost does not matter whether it's about him being gay or not - I personally wouldn't jump into conclusions, first, as someone who is a stranger on the internet, and someone who does not know him, I wouldn't be so bold to be ever-so-convinced. My point is, no matter what his real reason is, it just nulls a strong foundation of a balanced, healthy relationship between the two of you. Being closeted gay, or if it's about past trauma, etc., this is the situation, but it's not something anyone needs to live with.

You know this isn't right, that is why you posted about it, wondering what people's experiences are. You are far too young to resign yourself to stay in this situation for good. I would do some thinking, if I were you, because you seem to be minimising the weight of this issue, and seem to be ok in case it just continues like this. If you stay like this, I am almost convinced you will regret all the years wasted at one point... Maybe once the kids are bigger and you have more time for yourself, maybe even sooner.

As opposed to staying in a marriage without attraction? Why force something that does not work just for optics?

@exhaustDAD You are absolutely right. We have a 20 years age gap. I’m 35 and he is 55. Just to give you more context so I met him I was 30. In desperate need of love and someone to care for me. For some reason and I know it sounds insane, despite everything I was happy with the situation. I still am. Obviously some days I wish it was better but overall I never think of ending the relationship. But you may be right, in a few years I could change my mind. I wish he would talk to me and I would know what is happening in his mind