Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is This A Red Flag

69 replies

ChasingRainbows123 · 02/03/2026 07:46

Is this a red flag or me overthinking.
Been dating a guy for just over a month.
He said he has been taking medication for depression. We arranged another date for last saturday.
Everything ok during the week. Lots of messages.
Then on Friday he messages to say he might need to work saturday night but will let me know Friday when he finishes work.
He messages to say he has to work saturday evening on main road 25 minutes from me. He works on roadworks.
He messages saturday as normal & then messages at 5pm I'm off to work. Chat later.
Never heard anymore from him that night.
I thought I'll drive past where he said he was working as I'm not sure hes telling truth here.
Drives along main road where he said he was working. No roadworks nothing. Drove down where he lives & car parked outside & his lights on in his bedroom & I saw another light in another room switch on & then off. So he was in house.
Why lie & say your working when not.
Is this a red flag or me overthinking ?
I messaged him yesterday & said oh how did work go last night. My friend came up that road last night & said there were no roadworks.
I said that so he knew that I knew their were no roadworks.
His reply was work there got cancelled & I was working over on West side. Believe what you want.
I just replied what you up to today ?
Are you seeing your mum & dad ?
He was online a few times but ignored message & replied in afternoon saying not much. Messages are a bit dry with him

OP posts:

Original poster

ChasingRainbows123 · 02/03/2026 20:25

It doesnt matter if you think I'm the red flag.
Maybe he was with someone on saturday when he cancelled for him to send that message I've posted above. At least I trusted my gut instinct & knew he was lieing.
Then to go silent & not be heard from & then to send the message above. Says everything about him.

OP posts:

toiletpaperthief · 02/03/2026 20:30

ChasingRainbows123 · 02/03/2026 20:03

You'll all be pleased to know. After trusting my gut instinct & catching him out lying.
Never heard from him. Then he sends a message saying I'm f..king done with you. I'm gone. Goodbye.

I love when people show their true colours early on. You really dodged a bullet with this one.

jobling · 02/03/2026 20:38

Go with your gut instinct

toiletpaperthief · 02/03/2026 20:38

InspectorDefect · 02/03/2026 17:52

Personally I wouldn't have told him I knew, acted all blase and waited to see what his next move was. I would have asked him "how was work?" and let him lie a bit more. Just to see how far he was willing to go with his lying ...but that's just me!

Yes, that's exactly what I would have done, acted all blasé and ask "How was work? He may have answered:" I didn't go to work finally and had a quiet night" but you removed that possibility by acting so confrontational. He might have told you the truth, who knows. To be honest OP if a man did what you did to him I would have broken up with him, in a much more polite way than he did. I honestly think both of you had red flags.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 02/03/2026 21:17

Morepositivemum · 02/03/2026 20:16

Op your checking him out is a red flag for him! If you already don’t trust him just tell him you don’t think you’re compatible

Sure, it's a red flag for him that he lied to her and she caught him out. The poor liar.

Sadly for him, she wasn't gullible and listened to her gut. Good on her.

FateAmenableToChange · 02/03/2026 21:31

He's just not that into you.

Morepositivemum · 02/03/2026 21:40

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

a lie or an excuse because he was having a tough day or something happened? Plenty of possible reasons and they weren’t seriously dating so he didn’t have to fully explain himself to be fair

ohyesido · 02/03/2026 22:03

I think you might be the red flag here given that you felt the need to check on him

Original poster

ChasingRainbows123 · 14/03/2026 21:45

My gut instinct was right that night.
He wasnt working that night & he wasnt alone either. He had a woman stay overnight & she came out next morning & has been seen several times since & is seen holding hands with her & kissing her

OP posts:

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/03/2026 22:50

ChasingRainbows123 · 14/03/2026 21:45

Oh Lord, well at least you've caught the bugger out.

Sodthesystem · 14/03/2026 22:56

To be fair if you get such a bad feeling you literally go check to see if he's working where he says...at a month in...chuck him back.

Also, I know you know the guy already so maybe it feels a bit different but the second someone mentioned taking depression tablets I'd be out. It's not that I don't have sympathy but no way in hell would I enter a new relationship with someone I knew had depression. That's just asking for trouble.

Self preservation is valid.

BebbanburgIsMine · 14/03/2026 23:05

Lmnop22 · 02/03/2026 20:11

I’ve told a white lie before about working because I want a night in but don’t want to offend anyone. Not sure it’s some giant red flag at all! Obviously always better to be honest at all times but sometimes it’s just trying to make sure you’re not upsetting someone.

On the other hand, you drove for 50 minutes on a round trip to a road he said he was working on to check if there were roadworks on a Saturday night to see if someone you’ve dated for 4 weeks was where he said he was….

YOU are the red flag OP

Totally agree!

If a man had posted that he was doing all this checking up on a woman the replies would be very different.

Original poster

ChasingRainbows123 · 14/03/2026 23:10

Any woman reading this.
If your gut instinct is telling you something is not right.
Follow it. Dont ignore it

OP posts:

begonefoulclutter · 14/03/2026 23:11

BebbanburgIsMine · 14/03/2026 23:05

Totally agree!

If a man had posted that he was doing all this checking up on a woman the replies would be very different.

Show quote history

Yeah well she was right to check up on him, wasn't she? Because he was with someone else.

dollytea · 14/03/2026 23:13

You don’t sound like a red flag to me, you had a feeling and that feeling was right, why shouldn’t you be able to put your mind at ease or know if you are being lied to which it sounds like you was. Better to know now if he’s not trustworthy than a year down the line.
His reply of believe what you want is rude, I’d of blocked him because he don’t care and is arrogant.
always trust your gut and if you can back it up 👸

WallyHilloughby · 14/03/2026 23:54

ChasingRainbows123 · 02/03/2026 09:33

He doesnt need to worry about me. All he had to do was be honest & not lie about cancelling date. Then my gut instinct wouldnt of been telling me somethings not true here. Following my gut instinct like you are told to do on here proved me right.
He was lying. Easier just to say can we cancel saturday cause I dont feel like it. No need to lie

It’s never wrong! Mine has never been wrong anyway

Jossse · 15/03/2026 00:06

🚩

Teanbiscuits33 · 15/03/2026 02:57

He might be lying but you sound round the twist. Why are you stalking a man you’ve known for three months driving past his house to check up on him like that? Fucking bonkers. I’d be running for the hills away from you.

You’re clearly not going to work because he’s probably a liar and you are already feeling anxious enough to go stalking someone after three months. Dump him and get some therapy or something before you enter another relationship because you sound creepy.

Teanbiscuits33 · 15/03/2026 03:04

ChasingRainbows123 · 14/03/2026 23:10

Any woman reading this.
If your gut instinct is telling you something is not right.
Follow it. Dont ignore it

Your gut instinct can be right but it doesn’t mean you should go to someone’s house you barely know late at night to check up on him, spying from your car.

If you feel your gut instinct is right about him and he’s making you this uncomfortable after a few dates, then simply call it off, or ask some probing questions to catch him out if you must. That’s listening to your gut without having to go out of your way to act like a creep.

If you had been exclusive for a few years or you were married and you suspected he was cheating THEN you would be reasonable to check up on him. Now? No.

Bloody hell, for some reason I thought your post said you had dated for three months, turns out it’s only one. That’s even worse.

Flip

1 2 3