Harsh posters on mumsnet

[GoldenGoldenGolden]

Does anyone else think mumsnet is really harsh compared to other forums on the internet? I seen a post on another group and the poster got nothing but support and kind comments yet I know if the exact same post was posted here she would be ripped to shreds. Why is that, why are posters so much harsher on here?

I was replying to the poster who said…

’…I’ve been spun back in to depression after genuinely seeking help with situations. I’ve been called sexist, which I’m not, judgemental, which I’m not.

I like to think most decent people could scrabble around to find half an ounce of decency to be pleasant to this poster, and many like her. It’s not about looking for an echo chamber, it’s about treating people how you would like to be treated if you ever found yourself in a traumatic situation.

It’s very cheap to reply in a harsh manner, any fool can do that. To reply with thoughtfulness? Not too many can muster up the energy for that. We don’t have to fall to the level of the lowest and cheapest, we are allowed to try a bit harder.

(I think the ‘different opinions bit comes from the poster above me,
*LollipopLil · Yesterday 20:51
Also, it's worth remembering that one person's 'harsh' is another person's 'fair'.
There are a whole myriad of posters on MN from all different walks of life and their posts will reflect that.)

Reddit's actually what I meant when I said forums with a lot of American posters. I think generally, Americans aren't as rude as many British people.

I calm myself down / reorient myself when I read the hateful stuff on ethnic minorities (Moslem ones) or transgender by substituting ‘Jew’ or ‘gay’ for ‘Moslem’ or ‘transgender’. And then I realise, yes, it really is hate speech and appalling - and had the poster been saying similarly offensive stuff about minorities that aren’t Moslem or transgender, they’d quite correctly be banned

The London based/UK forums on Reddit are largely UK posters and don’t tend to be cunty

Almost as disingenuous as ‘with respect’ 🤣

I think some mumsnet responses make me understand why I feel so ill at ease with groups of women. It's the actual view they hold but won't say it to your face!

Yes, there is definitely a hardcore who stalk the threads and then gang up on any poster who has the temerity to disagree with them.

They clearly have little life outside of MN.

I think Mumsnet tends to be blunt rather than outright unkind when giving advice. I've never seen any name-calling etc that hasn't been deleted promptly.

I agree with the poster who said there's a lot of unnecessary correcting of grammar and "I didn't read the OP as it had no paragraphs".

There are also too many people who don't read the whole OP/their follow up posts and get carried away by the comments of others (or just have poor comprehension). There was a thread where the OP said her partner had committed a crime but did not elaborate further. A later post from her stated that a child "was sort of involved" and all the subsequent comments where how vile her husband was for assaulting a child 🙄. I do find MN has a tendency to twist and distort to create more drama.

I don't really use any other forums to compare though. I had a brief stint on Reddit but one sub Reddit I was a part of was removed and banned for spurious reasons and I was banned from another for defending the OP from an unnecessarily snarky comment so I haven't found it to be any more supportive than here.

Tbh I rarely see anything harsh etc as what you see as harsh I'm just writing black and white as that's how my mind works...can also depend what part of the country your from, some straight to the point others go around the houses but doesn't mean rude or harsh.

I think there are some common responses that are just never ever ever ok, yet they happen all the time.

The one that drives me bonkers is where posters have a go at the OP for having children in the situation she's in, or tell her it was a mistake to have her children with the man she did. Like, what is the point of that? Unless they're offering a time machine solution so she can un-have her kids, it's just having a go. It's not advice.

Why did you have children with this man or in this circumstance is NOT ADVICE. It's just cruelty. It's unwarranted, needless crowing over a stranger's sorrow.

I find the ones mind-blowing when there is a topic being discussed, education, work, whatever, and someone doesn't like your opinion, they deep-dive into your username (already find that cringe), and in multiple consecutive posts can't help but point out that "Go away, you take part in conversations on the relationships board". Ok. Like that is supposed to be a gotcha moment.

I also can't fathom why it's worth taking the time to type down that someone didn't bother reading a post for those who do it.

I like that there is freedom of speech on Mumsnet - it's rare these days. Personally I am fed up of certain views being considered morally reprehensible and the proliferation of 'right think' and 'group think'. It's good to have a place where all perspectives can be considered. And that does include commenting on previous choices and the way someone posts - communication is important and if the op is struggling to communicate clearly on here it is likely that this problem is present in the world out there and even perhaps relevant to the problem they bring. A lot of people just seem to want validation and this is definitely not the place for that. ChatGPT would be a better place to go for that. But if you want a hive mind perspective on the situation from all angles, including those that no one in real life is going to say to your face, then this is definitely the place to come. Reddit can be helpful but it is so heavily censored and hierarchical. I believe Mumsnet offers something unique and I would hate to see an increase in moderation. Personal attacks should definitely be deleted, but harsh home truths can be very helpful. Someone having a different perspective from you is not hateful.

Paid for by whom? The majority of the posts on recent threads on the US military action against Iran are pro-Trump, often starting with 'I'm no fan of Trump but ....'. like you have done.

Plus, Trump isn't a vulnerable poster who needs to be protected from robust opinions.

I agree with this. Similarly, there are posters who are quick to cry 'bully' just because people are disagreeing with them.

The good thing about Mumsnet/online discussions is that we can say it as we think it - rather than have to beat around the bush the way often happens in face-to-face conversation. That doesn't mean, of course, there's a need to be unpleasant or nasty by so doing.

I see a huge range of responses here. Harsh but fair I think is fine. Harsh and judgmental less so. There are cases where what you have to say will sound harsh, and some people think anything other than agreeing with someone with unfair.

But yes I do often see comments on here I personally feel are unnecessary.

No one is talking about posters telling you you are wrong, it’s when they call you names, gang up on you, link your old threads even when you’ve named changed and not because you’ve given different details but just to be nasty, which I don’t think should be allowed, threads about a thread aren’t allowed unless that’s changed so absolutely no need to link peoples old threads to “expose them” when they haven’t said anything different

I agree OP. I think there’s a very big difference between having a different opinion or even telling the OP very bluntly that they’re wrong, and the sort of unhelpful gratuitous nastiness that has become very prevalent on this site. I posted a trivial annoyance the other day (admittedly in what I thought was an obviously hyperbolic style), and got an absolute torrent of “pathetic”, “miserable entitled bore”, “get a grip”, “grow up”, “absolute stuck up, self absorbed, entitled twat“, “ridiculous”. I’m not vulnerable so it mildly amused me but I see it on more serious threads too. It’s not helpful and doesn’t add to the discussion.

I also agree, OP. And it's not just on threads that could be seen as contentious, it's mundane ones too. For example on Style & Beauty - someone got a really rude response when asking about cardigans FFS. Something like 'who cares, more to life than fashion'. She was asking on the fucking FASHION board so that poster went out of their way to be vile.

There are some really horrible posters and I am sure they wouldn't dream of speaking like that to people in real life. Sometimes the very first response to a thread is just downright rude and nasty, just for the sake of it. I suppose they must have really sad lives and get a thrill from being mean to other people, makes them feel better perhaps. I'm a fan of plain speaking but some responses I see are just plain hateful.

@AirborneElephant put it very well - 'unhelpful gratuitous nastiness'