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Original poster

Should I be jealous or am I overreacting?

34 replies

ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 21:13

DH has a female friend who he spends a lot of time with. They are working on a joint project together in their spare time, and e-mail each other several times a day and meet up 2-3 times a week. Sometimes we all meet up and our DCs play together.

She has an unhappy marriage, has told DH that she doesn't sleep with her husband and that they don't get on. We had been through a rough patch for about 3 years prior to this but had just started getting on again when she came on the scene.

Now I feel jealous of their friendship, DH used to be my best friend now it feels like he's got a new best friend in her, and I don't have any other best friends. Their joint project is a real shared interest for them, but DH and I don't seem to have any shared interests these days and have little to talk about apart from the DC's, and I feel sad about this.

I'm also concerned that their friendship might develop into something more, especially as she has an unhappy marriage. DH assures me that he would never be unfaithful to me and I believe him, but I'm still jealous and concerned about where it might lead. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
getmeouttahere · 16/06/2008 21:14

Is this a work project?

Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 21:18

No it's a shared hobby.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 16/06/2008 21:20

i dont think it is appropriate for her to tell him she is having marriage problems at all....they may be friends but that is just too much...i dont know how i would feel tbh

coolbeans · 16/06/2008 21:28

I don't think there's any need to be jealous of her, or suspicious about her motives. If it's a hobby/project, then they are bound to have lots to talk about.

But it may be a little nudge to you about tending to your relationship with your husband - nothing serious, but may be you could do with creating some shared interests with him. Or spending a bit more time together, without the dc's. Things that make you feel more connected to him?

Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 21:40

I know what you mean coolbeans, but he seems to prefer spending time with her. I'd asked him a couple of times if he wanted to go to the pub quiz with me but he said he was too tired after work, but the next week he came home from work and said he was off out to the pub quiz with her, suddenly he's not tired anymore, he's got a spring in his step and a twinkle in his eye.

OP posts:
getmeouttahere · 16/06/2008 21:40

Can you not develop a new interest in this hobby too ?

littlelapin · 16/06/2008 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieflump · 16/06/2008 21:42

that sounds crap
she shouldn't be talking to your dh about her sex life
If you feel uncomfortable witrh the relationship then you should tell your dh
It should be work only, not goong to pub quizes etc if you aren't happy

lilyloo · 16/06/2008 21:43

i'm sorry but alarm bells would be ringing for me.
why is she teling your dh she doesn't sleep with her hubby ?
i think i would have to involve myself in this 'hobby'

Neverenough · 16/06/2008 21:56

I'd be very worried. They are building an emotional attachment and he may fall in love with her whether or not they make it physical.

It has to end now.

SlartyBartFast · 16/06/2008 21:58

I wouldnt like it personally, particularly pub quiz

Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 21:59

I've told DH several times that I'm jealous of their friendship, and worried about where it might lead, and he always assures me that they are just good friends and that he would never be unfaithful to me.

Since then, I have been to the pub quiz with her and her friends and we all socialise together sometimes which is good. She is always friendly towards me as I am to her. I'm jealous of them e-mailing each other several times every day/evening, when he never e-mails me at work, and them getting together in the daytime when I'm at work or in the evening when I'm stuck at home.

And I'm sad that he'd rather spend time with her than with me, and that they share an interest and we don't.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 16/06/2008 21:59

on the other hand, he does tell you what she says about her sex life, and lack of... he is not being secretative about.
men are different.

posieflump · 16/06/2008 22:01

'I'm jealous of them e-mailing each other several times every day/evening, when he never e-mails me at work, and them getting together in the daytime when I'm at work or in the evening when I'm stuck at home.'

I'm sorry but it is just too much contact, why do they need so much contact with each other? I agree with the others, I would e worried You have to put your foot down. If he doesn't understand why then you have to rethink things and so does he. Don't let him tell you you are being unreasonable,it really is taking the piss

Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 22:05

Good point, SBF, he is very open and honest about their friendship and says I can read any of their e-mails as he has nothing to hide.

Neverenough - I agree they do seem to be forming an emotional attachment, which is how emotional and physical affairs can start, that's why I'm concerned - but I can't tell him he can't be friends with her, he doesn't have any other close friends and he's been much happier since he met her as he has someone to share his hobby/obsession with, which I don't, and that makes him a lot easier to live with

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 22:13

He said would I be jealous if it was a male friend, and while I wouldn't be concerned it might lead to an affair (he's definitely straight ) I think I'd still be jealous that he was spending more time with his friend (male or female) than with me.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 16/06/2008 22:14

know what you mean chief

getmeouttahere · 16/06/2008 22:20

what IS this hobby/interest ??

Neverenough · 16/06/2008 22:22

CFCM please re-read your post to me-he shouldn't be happier since he's met her and easier to live with!

If he loves you, he will respect your feelings that this is an inappropriately close relationship.

HTH

Neverenough · 16/06/2008 22:23

They could have a secret email address, and a secret mobile phone.
Please don't be naive my dear.

Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 22:40

getmeouttahere - they make sweet music together

Neverenough - thank you for your concern but he doesn't have a mobile phone and I trust him. I was being ironic about him being happier and easier to live with since he met her, but he was miserable and stressed out before so it makes my life much more pleasant

OP posts:
getmeouttahere · 16/06/2008 22:47

am off to bed now chief

I hope you get lots more good, balanced advice on this thread and that you find some peace with it, one way or the other

Original poster
ChiefFairyCakeMaker · 16/06/2008 22:49

thanks getmeouttahere, goodnight

OP posts:
Neverenough · 16/06/2008 22:59

Okay that's good that you trust him. Then there is no problem is there!

Vian · 16/06/2008 23:59

I am a married woman and my best friend is a married guy. We share an unusual hobby (hisotry related). If he and I were the last two people left on earth we still wouldn't touch eachother or become romantic!! I enjoy talking to him very much but EeeeWWWW!!!