Should I be jealous or am I overreacting?

[ChiefFairyCakeMaker]

DH has a female friend who he spends a lot of time with. They are working on a joint project together in their spare time, and e-mail each other several times a day and meet up 2-3 times a week. Sometimes we all meet up and our DCs play together.

She has an unhappy marriage, has told DH that she doesn't sleep with her husband and that they don't get on. We had been through a rough patch for about 3 years prior to this but had just started getting on again when she came on the scene.

Now I feel jealous of their friendship, DH used to be my best friend now it feels like he's got a new best friend in her, and I don't have any other best friends. Their joint project is a real shared interest for them, but DH and I don't seem to have any shared interests these days and have little to talk about apart from the DC's, and I feel sad about this.

I'm also concerned that their friendship might develop into something more, especially as she has an unhappy marriage. DH assures me that he would never be unfaithful to me and I believe him, but I'm still jealous and concerned about where it might lead. Am I overreacting?

Thanks Vian, that's helpful to know Trouble is I know he fancies her, although he fancies anyone in a skirt. I just wish I had a male friend to show me so much attention - I don't know what that says about our marriage

I think you word your concerns very well, and you sound very reasonable.

In your place, I would be quite jealous and cross....

I would try to win him back, not play the jealousy card (as it makes you sound insecure, even though you have all rights to be jealous!). Ask him to come out with you instead.

It sounds to me like she is paving the way for future options with your DP. You can trust him, but can you trust HER?! [hmm)

I think you should listen to your inner voice on this one - I didn't and I wish I had. Last year my dh began to see a very good female friend of his more and more. She was having marital problems and my dh was a shoulder to cry on. I was quite happy, initially, for them to meet. I had never felt threatened by her. Everything started off very innocently. I trusted him. He would tell me all about their conversations etc. Gradually though their intimacy increased. He began to share problems in our marriage with her aswell. They began to cross the line. Their intimacy increased more and more. They eventually kissed and she declared her love for him. He planned to keep seeing her. I found a text from her and rumbled them. It has done enormous damage to our marriage.

We have talked and talked about it. He kind of unwittingly walked into it and didn't see the direction their relationship was going in. When he did realise - he kissed her and then planned to continue it. Prat. What I am trying to say is that he didn't see it coming - your dh may not either - but when he did realise what was going on it was too late to pull back.

Ask your dh if his friend is a "friend of your marriage". Ask him to think about that carefully. Does she support his marriage to you in everyway or does she try and undermine it, however subtely? If she is not a "friend of your marriage" then he has to walk away. It is not healthy and could end in tears.

Beautifully put,Boriso.

would def put a stop to this,sounds like she is interested in him.i would not be happy about this at all, please dont be naive and trust your gut instinct

Thanks for the advice guys, I really value it as I veer between feeling really jealous and insecure and then thinking no they're just good friends there's nothing to worry about.

Chandon - I've told him that I refuse to compete for my own husband - why should I have to? Although it's easy to see where it might end if I don't....today I got tickets for a comedy gig in a couple of weeks though so that'll be good, and I bought some new make-up so I'm making an effort.

Boriso - yes, beautifully put, and I know just what you mean, DH doesn't see how easily their relationship could develop into something more intimate, but I can see at a mile off as I'm sure you all can! I think she's a friend of our marriage as you put it, we all socialise together sometimes and she's offered to babysit for us, and she seems genuine, but in my darker moments I wonder if it's a cover to get closer to DH, but I don't think so.

hello chiefFCM
I have to say that Im a bit confused after reading all of this thread. Im not sure whether you are actually worried or not.

I would be very concerned if my husband was sharing this much time and having intimate conversations with a woman that he fancied.

Sorry you are in this uncomfortable situation and even more sorry that I dont know how to advise you. (I would rant and scream but that's not always helpful)

The thing is, his rel'ship with her is making you feel insecure. If he values your rel'ship then he should take notice of what you feel and act accordingly to make you feel good- you are his priority. Yes he can have friends, but not conduct the friendships in a way which undermines your rel'ship. I seem to be quite handy at telling how it should be but got myself into all sorts of bother not communicating how I felt in my marriage, now its over. Mind you my stbx didn't take any notice when I did try to tell him clumsily(said it was in my head...hmm) and I spent years feeling oddly unhappy and not really knowing why.good luck with it all, sending a hug.