Am I being too much please help

[slighlyoverit]

Hi everyone, sorry for the long post . I’m really struggling and would really appreciate some outside perspective because I feel completely stuck and emotionally exhausted.

I’ve been married many years and we have children together. On the surface my husband is a good provider, helps a lot with the house, cleans, and is very hands-on with the kids. But emotionally the relationship has felt very difficult and lonely for a long time.

Since being married I’ve tried to show him love and care in many ways. I supported him through very low periods in his life, stood by him when he had nothing, helped with his work and responsibilities, and handled a lot of things to keep life stable. Over the years I’ve repeatedly tried to talk about needing more emotional connection — spending time together, affection, feeling valued — but those conversations were usually dismissed or not really taken seriously.

He often says he had a very difficult upbringing and doesn’t know how to show love except through practical things like providing and helping at home.i also had a difficult upbringing but tried to change things for my own family.

Another issue is that most physical affection from him has usually led to sex. Even a hug rarely felt like just a hug — it would turn into something sexual, which over time made me feel like emotional closeness wasn’t really there.

There has also been physical aggression in the past (not in recent years), but it coincided with times when I tried to express my feelings more. Now when I do try to talk, he often says I’m “being extra,” “living in the past,” or he gets angry and will smash doors and express anger in other ways rather than communicate calmly.

Over the years there have also been trust issues. I caught him watching porn several times during the marriage, including while I was pregnant, and each time he denied it or made excuses and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He also commented on other women’s photos online in the past and lashed out when I confronted him.

At the same time, during a very lonely period, I did end up having an emotional connection with someone else, which I deeply regret. Since then he has repeatedly attacked my character over this, while minimising his own behaviour and saying his was “not as bad.” He acted like he has never done anything wrong and kept throwing dogs at me for a mistake from before being married attacking my character making me feel dirty and making out like he is perfect.

One thing that has really affected me is that after being intimate with me, he would sometimes watch porn soon after. It made me feel very rejected and not good enough. Some aspects of our sex life also made me feel uncomfortable, like name-calling or behaviours that felt influenced by porn, but when I’ve raised this he says I’m imagining things and blaming everything on that.

When I talk about separation, he often says “fine” or that there’s nothing to work on. I’ve gone to him many times asking if he wants to try to fix the marriage, and he has said there is nothing wrong — yet afterwards he will try to act normal and the same cycle repeats.

I have gone to therapy myself to try to understand and improve things, but he refuses any kind of help or marriage counselling.

Recently I feel constantly on edge around him. I can’t relax, I can’t be “normal,” and conversations often go in circles. I’ve found myself crying a lot and feeling emotionally drained.

I feel very torn because:
• He is a good father and very helpful practically
• But emotionally I feel unsafe, unheard, and exhausted
• I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much
• I don’t know if trust can really be rebuilt after years of this cycle

I guess what I’m asking is:
– Is this something that can realistically improve?
– Has anyone stayed in a situation like this and found genuine emotional peace?
– Or is feeling constantly anxious, guarded, and drained a sign that the relationship may no longer be healthy?

Sorry this is so long, and thank you if you read this far. I’d really appreciate kind, honest perspectives from people who’ve experienced something similar.

No, you’re not ‘too much’. I don’t think there’s any prospect of improvement while he isn’t interested in changing things, no. This is no way to live, OP.

He isn't a good df when he is abusing your dc's dm. Your dc need to live amongst healthy relationships to be able to have them as an adult.. Your dc will be happier if you divorce. And so will you. You must be exhausted keep in analysing your relationship so much.
He is a twat.
HTH.

There’s no benefits to his marriage at all apart from he’s helpful practically. I look at these things like this - if your child came to you saying their partner were treating them this way, would you say stay or leave?

OP, l sorry but l don't think there's any more you can do. You are not too much! You have tried and tried but it has not been reciprocated and he hasn't made the slightest attempt to change his behaviour.
The physical aggression when you have attempted to express yourself would have been the nail in the coffin for me. Please accept you can't fix him, he has no plans to change or to meet your needs. He is not a good father as he has treated you with contempt for a long time. Meanwhile you have been desperately trying to improve yourself!
Please stop and put yours and your children's needs in front of his. He is a dreadful role model as a good husband is kind and respectful to his partner and they are seeing you being treated badly which will damage them long term. Please see a solicitor asap to work out where you stand financially and prepare to divorce him. You will never be happy whilst you stay with him.

You are supposed to be his partner and equal in a loving and equal relationship. But he is shamelessly treating you as less than a human being.
His behaviour towards you is appalling OP. You are worth so much more.

First of all, tell yourself that feeling unsafe is NOT normal, and this needs to be addressed. Living in constant stress is NOT normal.
You're doing great by not losing touch with reality and trying to find a solution. You're also doing an amazing thing by going to therapy. DO NOT STOP THERAPY FOR YOURSELF!!! Your mental health comes first — protect it.
As for your relationship, it's hard to give advice based on just one post. Maybe your husband really doesn't know how to show affection. Maybe he genuinely doesn't know how to behave differently.
The fact that you see the problem and are trying to solve it is already half the battle. You're doing the right thing.
But healthy relationships are built on communication — both people trying to solve problems together. A relationship takes two people to build; you can't do it alone.
Try to communicate the problem to your husband in a way he can hear.
Talk not about "the problem," but about your feelings. The problem itself might not seem significant to him. But if you speak about your feelings — that you're hurting, that it's hard — he should be able to understand.
Say it directly: "I'm struggling. I'm hurting. I feel..." And then — watch his reaction. Let his response guide your next steps.
You're doing an amazing job. Marriage isn't an easy walk, and you're being so responsible by trying to work through this. That takes real strength.

Thank you all for your advice . I feel bad because he says I’ve worked hard to build a future for you and the kids and I feel like I’m breaking the family and ruining the kids life. My parents split when I was younger and grew up around a very angry parents who also didn’t know how to regulate their emotions.

My parents split when I was younger and grew up around a very angry parents who also didn’t know how to regulate their emotions.

Which is probably why you're underreacting to unacceptable and abusive behaviours by your husband.

It's not normal to smash doors or to verbally abuse your partner.

You're not too much, he just wants you to have incredibly low expectations of him. So you will be absurdly grateful for any nice behaviour and normalise being treated badly.

I feel bad because he says I’ve worked hard to build a future for you and the kids and I feel like I’m breaking the family and ruining the kids life.

All he had to do was be nice and loving to you and there wouldn't be this problem, though. Surely it's not difficult to be kind to someone he claims to love?

You manage it and you had a traumatic childhood too.

He can still be a good Dad to his kids in a separation or divorce scenario. Being a good Dad is something that comes from him - it's not something you have to orchestrate.

The porn is something you can't fight, I think. It's a distorted and distorting force. You can't win.

You need to make a decision for you about leaving or staying.

he says that I make him get like that because of the way I speak like a man. My therapist said that I’m trauma bonded to him as he’s been in my life from such a young age

He says that he loves us and does everything he can for us which I’m not denying but when it comes to speaking about my feeling and the way I feel he takes it as a personal attack

thank you, he says he is trying now and will change and treat me well but I think i just don’t care anymore and it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore his trying . It feels like I’ve forced him to or begged for it.

because the consistency isn’t there

You're in an abusive marriage with an abusive man who sees no need to change, as he has you just where he wants you. He's not a good father, he's a horrible husband and doesn't care about your needs, only his. He's the one who's already broken the family. Leaving him means that your children can live in a peaceful, calm and happy environment, without the fear of him losing his temper. I'd advise speaking to women's aid for help and advice.

Let's try to break everything down. This will help you see the situation more clearly and understand what you're willing to live with — and what you're not.
Take a piece of paper, or just mentally divide everything into three columns:
1. What I like about my husband / what I appreciate
2. What I don't like, but I can accept (what I'm willing to tolerate)
3. This is unacceptable to me. I am not willing to put up with this
Now look at these columns. Column three is not just "flaws." This is what destroys you.

He said you speak like a man? Oh my goodness he’s been very clear here that he can’t tolerate equality. I couldn’t get past that statement alone never mind all the other highly unpleasant and toxic behaviors he has shown. Your life can be much better with this daily misogyny. Also you really can’t allow the children to learn this kind of behavior. How are we going to move past this as a society if we don’t make these hard decisions? All the best OP. I know how hard it can seem now, but your future could be much better.

There’s nothing to save here. Please leave him and have your better life.

He is now paying you lip service. He does this because he can. He targeted you deliberately to abuse and this is exactly what he has done harming both you and your dc in the process. The other thing that he’s shown you throughout is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Your man is not a good dad to his children if he treats you their mother like this.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Your own boundaries here, already skewed by seeing your parents abusive and otherwise poor marriage, are being further eroded by this man now to the point you are trauma bonded.. Did your dad treat your mum like this?.

Your now h has just continued what your parents did and you have seen abuse and ill treatment as normal. Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and it’s no coincidence you went onto marry an abusive man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You have a choice re this man and your dc do not. Make better choices now with you and they in mind because they could otherwise go onto repeat this crap in their own adult relationships. If your therapist is not skilled in breaking trauma bonds find a therapist who is and knows about the mechanics of abuse. I would add Leo urge you to contact Womens aid and seek
legal advice re divorce.

It sounds like you have put a lot of effort into your marriage and put up with a lot of awful behaviour. He still isn't willing to do the work to change, it seems he can't even acknowledge the need to change, so no, there isn't any hope this will get better. The only way your life will improve is if you leave him.

This isn’t going to improve. He’s physically, emotionally and sexually abusive and you need to get away from him. Seriously.

Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here.

Abusers always blame other people (in this case you) for their actions, never their own self. He thinks you speak like a man?. What misogyny he shows you here.

There is nothing in your marriage that is worth saving. Let him go and free yourself and your dc from his abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you are not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

There has also been physical aggression in the past (not in recent years), but it coincided with times when I tried to express my feelings more. Now when I do try to talk, he often says I’m “being extra,” “living in the past,” or he gets angry and will smash doors and express anger in other ways rather than communicate calmly.

the aggression, the lying about porn usage and his unwillingness to accept he has any part to play in the unhappiness you've tried to talk to him about would be a game changer for me.

all I'd say is don't waste too many more years with a violent abuser who shouts you down, they will become years you can never get back.

You are not too much xx

We are currently working on breaking the trauma bond . He can’t stand me saying we are trauma bonded or anything about my anxiety or depression. He will snigger or smirk and then be nice one minute then change after.
i get confused to what he actually wants.

he said I will regret it leaving him and that I’m not worthy enough.
the part that annoys me the most is why I was character attacked and meanwhile he says he’s done no wrong.
and now when I confronted it he says it was only once or twice but it wasn’t.

I’m really trying but keep doubting my self or if I will regret it as he is all I’ve known all my life.
I worry about what family will say even though I shouldn’t care about them I know . We are religiously married and not legally as he refused every time I said it to him over the years.
so financially I feel trapped too