Hi everyone, sorry for the long post . I’m really struggling and would really appreciate some outside perspective because I feel completely stuck and emotionally exhausted.
I’ve been married many years and we have children together. On the surface my husband is a good provider, helps a lot with the house, cleans, and is very hands-on with the kids. But emotionally the relationship has felt very difficult and lonely for a long time.
Since being married I’ve tried to show him love and care in many ways. I supported him through very low periods in his life, stood by him when he had nothing, helped with his work and responsibilities, and handled a lot of things to keep life stable. Over the years I’ve repeatedly tried to talk about needing more emotional connection — spending time together, affection, feeling valued — but those conversations were usually dismissed or not really taken seriously.
He often says he had a very difficult upbringing and doesn’t know how to show love except through practical things like providing and helping at home.i also had a difficult upbringing but tried to change things for my own family.
Another issue is that most physical affection from him has usually led to sex. Even a hug rarely felt like just a hug — it would turn into something sexual, which over time made me feel like emotional closeness wasn’t really there.
There has also been physical aggression in the past (not in recent years), but it coincided with times when I tried to express my feelings more. Now when I do try to talk, he often says I’m “being extra,” “living in the past,” or he gets angry and will smash doors and express anger in other ways rather than communicate calmly.
Over the years there have also been trust issues. I caught him watching porn several times during the marriage, including while I was pregnant, and each time he denied it or made excuses and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He also commented on other women’s photos online in the past and lashed out when I confronted him.
At the same time, during a very lonely period, I did end up having an emotional connection with someone else, which I deeply regret. Since then he has repeatedly attacked my character over this, while minimising his own behaviour and saying his was “not as bad.” He acted like he has never done anything wrong and kept throwing dogs at me for a mistake from before being married attacking my character making me feel dirty and making out like he is perfect.
One thing that has really affected me is that after being intimate with me, he would sometimes watch porn soon after. It made me feel very rejected and not good enough. Some aspects of our sex life also made me feel uncomfortable, like name-calling or behaviours that felt influenced by porn, but when I’ve raised this he says I’m imagining things and blaming everything on that.
When I talk about separation, he often says “fine” or that there’s nothing to work on. I’ve gone to him many times asking if he wants to try to fix the marriage, and he has said there is nothing wrong — yet afterwards he will try to act normal and the same cycle repeats.
I have gone to therapy myself to try to understand and improve things, but he refuses any kind of help or marriage counselling.
Recently I feel constantly on edge around him. I can’t relax, I can’t be “normal,” and conversations often go in circles. I’ve found myself crying a lot and feeling emotionally drained.
I feel very torn because:
• He is a good father and very helpful practically
• But emotionally I feel unsafe, unheard, and exhausted
• I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much
• I don’t know if trust can really be rebuilt after years of this cycle
I guess what I’m asking is:
– Is this something that can realistically improve?
– Has anyone stayed in a situation like this and found genuine emotional peace?
– Or is feeling constantly anxious, guarded, and drained a sign that the relationship may no longer be healthy?
Sorry this is so long, and thank you if you read this far. I’d really appreciate kind, honest perspectives from people who’ve experienced something similar.