I'm such a bad daughter

[Ray222]

I've always had a up and down relationship with my mum. She can be quite controlling and is negative about everything. She is also very racist.
My dear Dad would rein her in at times.

My darling dad has recently died. I did everything after, organised funeral, notified people etc. My brother who lives abroad came back for funeral then left straight after. He wasn't close to my dad. My dad was my hero, I loved him very much.

I have stayed at my mums since the funeral. But she really brings me down. She comments negatively on everything and although I have sorted out all the paperwork she moans about dealing with it.

I just can't bare to be around her, she is relying on me more and more. I feel suffocated and unable to grieve because her grief trumps mine.

But then I feel so bad, she was with my dad for 60 years and I know she is hurting.
She wants to visit my brother, but I have to go with her. I'm also angry at my brother because he doesn't have to deal with any of this. Don't know what I'm asking? I feel like a bad daughter ../

You're grieving too – death magnifies every emotion 100 fold. Get some time away, either on your own or with friends who will quietly support you.

You don't 'have' to do anything, if your mother wants to visit your brother you can take her to the airport, he can meet her the other end.

How long have you been staying? I think you should start making plans to go back to your own life and back off from her a bit.

Is it just because she wants you there that you have to go with her to your brother or is she physically unable? Surely he can come get her?

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry, missed that he's abroad, but surely you could just get her to the airport and he meet her at the other end?

Sorry for your loss.
For how long have you been staying with your mum? It might be that neither of you are gaining any benefit from being together like this any longer, and that you need to go home so she can begin to adjust to life on her own.

I've been spending 4 days at hers then home for a few days. But she is just draining me.
She won't travel on her own as she hates flying.
She has been grateful that I've dealt with everything but continues to put more on me.

She is so negative, even driving along she will be "oh look at the state of her" it's just relentless. She votes reform and is just so hateful at times . But I feel so guilty. But she is becoming more and more reliant on me. Brother has a free pass. She says I am more understanding but it's really that I don't pull her up on anything.

Oh and really I think my brother didn't give a shit about my dad dying. That makes me angry all again

If she won't travel on her own because she hates flying, then she has three choices. One - if she really wants to see him that much she'll have to suck it up, get on a plane and go on her own (possibly with your assistance getting her to the airport). Two - she'll have to persuade your brother to come and visit her instead. Three - she doesn't see him at all. She can't expect you to organise her life all the time, especially when she's such a moaning minnie and doesn't appreciate what you do for her anyway.

Facilitating her relationship with her son is not your responsibility.

Op your brother is choosing not to engage with your horrible mother. You don’t have to either. I have my own issues with my mother and feeling a lot of guilt so I’m not implying that is easily done, but I think it’s just helpful to hear it sometimes. She’s an adult, if she doesn’t want to travel alone then she doesn’t travel. You need to put some boundaries in place, eg. I will come and help you 2 days a week (that would be incredibly generous btw and you could offer less). I won’t travel with you. I won’t facilitate your relationships with other people. You can ask her to not talk negatively about people and tell her you don’t want to give her lifts to places if you have to listen to that.

I’m sure your dad was lovely and you obviously had a great bond, and I’m very sorry for your loss, this sounds like an unbelievably difficult time, however I would gently mention that your dad stayed married to a racist woman who is cruel to her children and he didn’t really properly protect you. If your brother had a similar experience to you, perhaps this is why he is reacting differently to you. I think perhaps you’re aiming some of your understandable resentment his way, and I’m not sure from what you’ve said here that he deserves it.

I know but I feel so guilty.

She is also teatotal. If I have a beer she is so negative. I can stay at her house, but on her terms. I can't even shower when I want because she has to go after me and clean the bathroom, she is severely ocd. I'm just exhausted by it all if I confront her she just starts crying. I miss my DS so much

I'm supposed to be king ack there tomorrow and I just can't face it 😢

OP, she sounds very selfish. You've done plenty for your mum and its time to look after yourself. Don't stay with her and put up withb being treated badly, that's not acceptable. Don't confront her just say you are tired and need to go home to recharge. You can always arrange to visit her to help out on days that suit you. You need to be able to grieve for your dear Dad without her grief trumping yours. If your mum wants to see your brother ask him to come a spend some time with her as you are struggling.

well you are doing everything for her and you still feel guilty
so you may as well be guilty but with your ds

Hi mum, loved being able to stay with you and spend that extra time with you even tho its been such a heartbreaking time but it's time for me to go back home now. I'll call you tomorrow and we can go for coffee or a walk next week. Xx

Then ignore and only msg and call when it's convenient for you
If she has a strop so fucking what, she sounds like she'd strop over anything
Perhaps txt your bro that mum would love to see him so is he able to call her more or visit her or meet her halfway somewhere.

Only visit and make plans to go abroad to see brother when it works for YOU and book separate hotel rooms please! You need space and you're not a child and don't need to regress to one and appeal to her moods
You're safe now as an adult! And can live your own terms. She will get over it as she won't want to be alone

I just feel so guilty. My dear dad had dementia in his final years and all she would do is moan about him I feel so lost, bit she is draining me he

Tell her you need a break, since you're grieving too, and take one. You don't have to tiptoe around someone who won't accommodate your needs- whether she sees it that way or not. You don't need to explain either.

Tell her you’re ill and don’t go. You are ill. Don’t go.
Then go back less- however far away she is, do more shorter visits or just a shorter each time. She does need to adjust.

OP, stop giving in to her and set some boundaries.

Don't go back. Stay with your son. You're overwhelmed and you need to look after yourself. It's not sustainable to keep staying with your mum hover half the week. Don't you have other commitments that are suffering because of this?

If she's not physically capable of living alone, she needs carers in. But if she's chasing you round cleaning, it doesn't sound like it's that.

So if it's the emotional support & company, she needs to start coping alone, leaning on friends and other relatives as well.

As for the travelling to your brother, just say it's not practical for you to go and that you will help her through the airport. I expect there's airport assistance available if she needs it.

You're not a bad daughter to need a break and some of your own space to grieve.

Give yourself a break. Compassionate leave.
Your mum sounds unbearable.
Tell her you're mentally and physically exhausted and will see her in a fortnight.

Thanks everyone.

She is physically capable, has a lot of anxiety though.
Apparently there is another pile of paperwork that she wants me to sort through for her.
Im supposed to be going today, I know if I cancel she will be angry with me.
Just sitting here wondering what to do......?

So you’re saying if you do go shell be nice to you? And if you don’t go shell be angry at you?

I don’t think you are, I think you’re gonna get shit either way.

what does her anger look like.
i think you know she’s going to punish you for not behaving, probably for a few days/weeks/months and so it feels understandably easier to go and deal with the smaller amount of crap you get from her today, than the long lasting bigger reaction but it’s a cycle that has to be broken at some point and it’s not fair to your ds or to you, that your mum ‘wins’ your attention.
Again I say this as someone battling with similar so no judgement

You don't have to stay with her and you don't have to take her on a trip. You count as a human being in your own right.

Honestly, why would you care if she gets angry with you? She is a horrible person and wasn't kind to your dad when he had dementia. What can she do to you if you don't go today? You have done much more that most people would do to help a mother who has never been loving or kind.

Drop the rope now. She will have to start managing on her own sooner or later. Make it sooner.

I think you at least need to cry off for today OP, you clearly need a break and some space to work out how to tackle this longer term. Could you just say you feel exhausted/ maybe coming down with something and don't feel safe to drive/up to the journey? It's not so far from the truth really and might just buy you a bit of breathing space?

@Gasbox is right op. Whatever decision you make today doesn’t have to be what you do forever, you don’t have to decide how you handle her forever, today. But you can give yourself a small rest today so you’re better prepared either to handle being with her later this week, or to handle the backlash of not being with her later this week.

She'll find fault with everything and be annoyed with you if you do go, so don't go.

Look after yourself. Don't go setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You need to step away and breathe , you can still help your mum but you need to grieve . Your mental health is so important and you sound so overwhelmed with everything, let her moan and complain. But don't feel guilty for having a break , you need it. Please take care of yourself otherwise you'll drown and end up ill.