I'm such a bad daughter

[Ray222]

I've always had a up and down relationship with my mum. She can be quite controlling and is negative about everything. She is also very racist.
My dear Dad would rein her in at times.

My darling dad has recently died. I did everything after, organised funeral, notified people etc. My brother who lives abroad came back for funeral then left straight after. He wasn't close to my dad. My dad was my hero, I loved him very much.

I have stayed at my mums since the funeral. But she really brings me down. She comments negatively on everything and although I have sorted out all the paperwork she moans about dealing with it.

I just can't bare to be around her, she is relying on me more and more. I feel suffocated and unable to grieve because her grief trumps mine.

But then I feel so bad, she was with my dad for 60 years and I know she is hurting.
She wants to visit my brother, but I have to go with her. I'm also angry at my brother because he doesn't have to deal with any of this. Don't know what I'm asking? I feel like a bad daughter ../

It’s OK to have boundaries with your mother. You aren’t responsible for her happiness.

If you don’t go to visit brother with her, she will be angry. So what? Why are her feelings being prioritised over your own?

Stay home. Stay home until you're ready to face her again. You're grieving too. Your mum sounds horrendous. If you moved in and did everything for her, she'd still moan and complain all the time. Please don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Let her be angry. She'll get over it. What's the worst she can do? Cry and make you feel guilty? You already feel guilty so might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Paperwork can wait.

It's not point trying to support someone when you're drowning yourself.

Give yourself permission to stay home and put her off.

Thanks again.
I nearly sent a message but thought I would be brave and phone her.
Just said I didn't sleep and won't be up for the drive. She took it quite well.

I will need to sit and have a chat with her at some point. I know she is grieving but she was draining before my dad passed. When I've pulled back before she will get my brother to message me "mums upset, can you phone her?".
I need to be stronger with boundaries. Last time I was there she was showing me houses for sale in her street 🤦🏼‍♀️

When I've pulled back before she will get my brother to message me "mums upset, can you phone her?".

'No, I'm having a break from her.'

It's ok to say this OP. Once you start putting boundaries in place and enforcing them you will realise how easy it actually is.

Other people might be upset. They might be angry or sad. That's ok too. They are allowed to have their emotions and you are allowed to have yours. You are not responsible for how other people behave or what they say. They are responsible for that.

Take time for yourself. Take time to grieve. You need it, you are allowed it. It's fine to tell others this.

When I've pulled back before she will get my brother to message me "mums upset, can you phone her?"

Say something like "I'm sure you can do a good job of cheering her up" - push it back on him - he has an equal part to play here.

Sounds like you need stronger boundaries with both.

Oh OP I’m sorry, it’s very difficult when it’s a parent to let go. Especially when they are old, you feel so guilty. Good for you for taking a break today.

I also have issues with my difficult mother - sadly my lovely, kind, caring, easygoing dad died two years ago after a horrible few years with dementia. I miss him so much, and in my darkest moments wish it was him that was still here rather than my mum.

Nothing is good enough for her, she’s so incredibly negative and judgemental about everything it’s so draining. Like your mother, mine seems to be expecting more off me in the last few years, which is so difficult.

Mine doesn’t seem to like anybody, but still wonders why people don’t visit her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her actually happy, always a bit miserable. I used to dread telling her about what was happening in my life, as she would always have something negative or judgemental about it. Now I tell her very little.

I so deel sorry for her now she’s older (early 80’s), as I don’t think she understands what she’s like, and my dad placated her for years. She’s now old and lonely, but that’s what a lifetime of not liking or making an effort with other people does to you.

Sorry for the long rant - just to say you’re not alone.

Your brother is being used by your toxic mother as a flying monkey so if he says call her because she is upset ( (women like your mother are really not upset at all, more like pissed off all the time) ignore such demands. He’s withdrawn not surprisingly and you ultimately will need to do the self same.

You are not a bad daughter at all but she is a bad mother and it’s not your fault she is the ways she is. You did not make her this way.

People from dysfunctional families end up
playing roles and your late father failed to protect you from the excesses of her behaviour. What have been and are your roles here. What are your brother’s roles? You likely also remind her of your late dad, a man she’s always hated.

You would likely not put up with this from a friend so stop tolerating it from your mother. She has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. I would think she behaved similarly when you were a child.

Deal with all FOG (fear obligation and guilt) through therapy and read the website called out of the Fog. She installed that particular button in you. Do you think she feels guilty re how you’ve been treated- not a bit if it.

People like your mother are really not worth bothering about. They have no friends because of their behaviour and personality. Put yourself and your child first, not her and grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Thank you & im so sorry for your loss ❤️

"Mum's upset can you phone her?"

"Hi brother, that's a shame. I know she gets lonely and would love to speak to you more."

"OK, I'll phone her when I get a chance."

Or just don't answer or thumbs up the message. You need to practice your shiny new backbone! Great job on the phone call but you have given yourself only a few days excuse with being too tired to drive.

You need to follow up with a message with a plan of when to meet so she doesn't just expect you to come over and spend endless hours with her.. you need a structured activity and time now and to start to work through your grief and her neediness and nastiness.

"Hi mum, let's go for a coffee/walk/ill come over for lunch/whatever next week. I'm free x y z days at xyz times, what about you?"

It's not that you're a bad daughter, it's that she's a bad mum.