Alcohol

[Susue999]

I rarely drink in the week but Friday and Saturday I often have maybe 3 glasses of wine at home. I am with my partner and kids but he doesn’t drink. In your opinions is this problematic? It has been mentioned numerous times by my partner.

No. Your partner sounds annoying.

So you pretty much have couple of bottles of wine on every weekend. It depends how you act after and if your behavior changes. Why does your partner mention it? What does he say about it?

Totally normal and not problematic unless you drip feed that you become very angry/ aggressive/ tearful or argumentative after three glasses of wine or you’re sloppy and hammered after that amount.

I don’t think my behaviour particularly changes. Maybe I’m slight happier or more chilled??!! Not sure but nothing dramatic. Although when you say a couple of bottles of wine that does sound worse!

How big are your glasses!?

Drinking lightly without getting drunk two nights a week isn't a problem, unless you're minimising it and it's actually more. If he's genuinely concerned about you and can give reasons that he is - do you get weird if you don't have drink in, do you actually polish off more than that, are you hungover in the daytime? - listen to him. But if he's just being controlling and judgemental, tell him to stop policing your relaxation!

It depends on your reasons for drinking and whether you can go without, or drink less without issue.
Is it habit? Or do you feel you need 'a drink' after a stressful week (every week?) Do you ever just not drink on the weekend without thinking about it? Do you minimise or justify your drinking habits (it's only a couple, everyone else does it, saying your DH is the unusual one)?
I'd suggest trying not drinking for a few weekends and see how that goes. If you find yourself trying to justify drinking and making excuses to do so, or feeling guilty if you 'crack' you might have a problem. If it's literally no bother you don't have an issue, but should skip the wine nights more often as it's affecting your relationship (assuming you are otherwise happy with your DH) .

Disclaimer - my POV is skewed by having been married to an alcoholic. But I know only too well from him what alcoholism looks like, and it's not clear cut as many believe. It creeps up on people and the denial is very strong.
Awareness of your relationship with alcohol is the key to maintaining a healthy balance. If you are starting to use it as a crutch, and feel you can't go without, seek help before you go too far down that road.

The problem with that is a person with a drink problem, however low key, will consider anyone telling them to cut down as controlling and judgemental.

I don’t drink (used to), but my H does. Doesn’t sound that much. Is it 3 actual glasses though or a bottle of wine?

Oh I know, I have one. Ten years sober. But I was drinking a lot more than three glasses twice a week. That's why the accuracy of the account is important...

It’s two bottles of wine a week. On the surface, no, I think it’s a very average amount to drink for many women.

BUT as someone who used to drink and doesn’t anymore, (a) I also used to convince myself that I drank a very reasonable average amount when I actually drank more than I thought I did, and (b) can you skip a weekend and go do something not build around booze? It wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I realised how much I was missing out on planning my weekend around being home so I could drink (and not drive). I now sometimes find Dh really boring when he doesn’t want to do something that doesn’t revolve around a stop at the pub or being home in time to start drinking. There is so much better stuff out there that I missed out on for years.

Why does he think it’s problematic?

Sorry. You’ve just said you know you have a drink problem, you was sober for 10 years and it’s ok now because you drink a lot less. There’s why he feels it’s a problem! You answered the question for yourself

Sorry OP I don’t mean this in a judgemental way but personally, I think that’s quite a lot. I think the regularity of it also would annoy and worry me as it’s not like you’re saying oh I fancy a glass of wine! Instead it’s oh it’s Friday time to have 3 glasses of wine and then same again on Saturday. It’s a fair amount of alcohol, I’m sure it impacts your mood at the time and the next day.

Thank you these perspectives are all really interesting. I think maybe it is the regularity of it that is key and I’m not sure what else I would do if I didn’t drink on those nights. I will try not drinking next weekend or having 1 or 2 glasses 1 of the nights as an experiment!

I don't ever drink at home and only have the odd drink when l am out to dinner or something. I would hate my dh to drink 3 drinks every weekend night as l wouldn't see the point..l have no difficult with him drinking now and then but doing it every weekend would be a worry. Also, looking back l would have hated my mother to do that too so there is your children to think about. Its difficult for people who like to drink to know to understand what it feels like to always be the sober one. And you will feel better too!

?? I don't drink at all, and I don't understand what you're telling me off for. We agree. I just said it matters whether she's being accurate about her intake, and whether he's got a point or not.

I think not knowing what you'd do if you didn't have a drink is the key thing to think on here! I think you're absolutely right to cut down for a bit - and you might find you don't need it at all, or you need a lot less; you'll save money & sleep better & increase closeness with your husband & likely feel better. And if it's hard to do and you feel edgy and as if you really need it, you'll know there is an issue to address and that you should stop completely.
I have never looked back from stopping completely, which I found much easier to do than cutting back - but I definitely had a massively excessive & unhealthy intake.
At the same time - think in terms of doing it for you, and not because he's told you to!
Tea and exercise are clichés here but they do really help ime.

Your partner sounds like a twat to me.

Drinking on your own, not as a social thing, can be seen as a problem especially if you’re in a relationship. At the weekend you’re having a relationship with alcohol rather than your partner.

Ah, I read your comment differently after your response, I see what you're saying now.
Well done on 10 years off it.

If it's 2 bottles of wine every weekend that doesn't sound healthy.

Key is how you feel about it. Do you feel you have to have wine available in the house? What would happen if you came to Saturday night and there wasn't any? Would you be angry? Rush out to buy some? Or just shrug your shoulders and make a cup of tea instead? Does the idea of not having any wine for a few weeks cause you any concern or irritation?

If it's a habit, if it affects your mood in any way (including if you need it to feel relaxed) then it's probably a problem.

I wouldn't consider that an issue. I mean if you were to down two bottles of wine in the space of an hour and not eat anything then I'd imagine you'd be acting a bit annoying?! But over the course of a couple of days I can't see anything wrong.

Is your partner very anti drink? Has he ever had an alcohol dependence? Or just never really drank? Does he try and make comments about other things you do in a critical way? If so, what?

How big are the glasses? Do you mean a bottle (3x250ml glasses) of wine Friday and a bottle of wine Saturday or do you mean 3 125ml glasses across both?

2 bottles in one week is too much (20units when the recommended max is 14th it’s).
37.5cl over a week is fine (3 x 125ml)

So it depends on what a ‘glass’ is to you.

I’d also hate if DH drank every weekend. I don’t drink and what drinkers don’t realise is that they’re really really boring.