To those who are NC with their mothers?

[LondonLady1980]

How have you made peace with it?

I have had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother all my life and 11 months ago (at the age of 42) it all came to a head and it's pretty much been NC ever since. The odd message here and there (which always ends up with me feeling bad) but I haven't seen or spoke to her since last April.

I had counselling last Summer which really helped but things have really started to get to me again over the last few months (mum related) and so I re-commenced counselling again a few weeks ago.

I just need to know how to stop feeling guilty and how to stop going over and over and over everything in my mind - constantly questioning everything about my childhood, questioning why she treated me the way she did, questioning why even as an adult she still manipulated me and treated me bad, trying to make sense of her behaviour and her ways of thinking etc. It's like I just can't move on from it and it's driving me insane. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in therapy.

I'm hoping my confusion and upset is partly because going no contact is still relatively new (is 11 months classed as recent?) and that I'm still trying to make sense of it?

I'm just hoping to find strength and support from others who have been here and survived it because I'm really struggling 😥

See on Instagram 'Get Your Shift Together' and other accounts for daughters of narcissistic/bully mothers, their posts have all helped me.

I'm really enjoying the peace, and am doing little things that make me happy-eat delicious food, go to nice places, etc.
They've robbed enough of our lives.

It’s good to go over things in your head isn’t it? At first there will be strong emotions attached but with repetition the emotion dissipates until the memories are integrated and can be left in the past.

It isn't your fault that your mother has treated you badly all your life. She didn't do it because of something you did or didn't do, or because of something you were or weren't. It is all because of decisions she made and is still making about how she will treat you.

You are now in a position, because you can look back and see more clearly that she is a very poor parent, to take back control of the relationship.

She puts her own wants before your needs, don't let her. Continue with the counselling and simply ignore any attempts on her part to reel you back in.Please don't waste any more energy on wondering why. The answer is 'because she could'.

It's so hard as she popped up last autumn when it was my birthday.....and then she popped up again over Christmas....and now my son's birthday is approaching so no doubt she'll pop up again....

......and then it'll be mother's Day so I'll be feeling so much anxiety about that.

Whenever I speak to my grandparents (her parents) they mention her (albeit only innocent references).

There's just no escaping her.

I guess my situation is different because I don’t and never have felt guilty. I just feel relieved I never have to see her again (I’m 35 I haven’t seen her since I was 18 so it’s been many years). I would imagine feeling guilty is very common though, all I can really say is just stay strong and you really don’t have anything to feel guilty for - she is the one who should be shouldering guilt.

This is all relatively fresh and it sound like you have only been really grappling with these issues since last summer. It is not at all surprising that you are still experiencing strong feelings. Unfortunately these take time to resolve. However although they will not ever fully go away, it’s very likely you will come to much better place with them. You will understand them better and they will have less power over you.

Be wary of people on the internet who tell others to go NC with their family without adequate information about their full circumstances. It’s no cost to them to dole out that advice. Only you can work out what is right for your situation. It may be going NC. In the majority of cases people can protect themselves from the impact a damaged family member can cause to them without doing that.

I would find a phrase that summarises the situation in a slightly neutral way that you can trot out mentally as and when needed. Avoid drama or detail. You want to strip the complexity and emotion away from it.

It’s a shame, she’s not good mother material.
She’s very complicated. Life is much calmer now.
I’ve done my best. She’s too difficult.

As a child of a narcissistic Mother who I have been NC from for years and as a result cope with it very well, your last sentence is the most bizarre and unhelpful comment I have ever read on this site, particularly after reading the feelings of the OP.

I am no contact with my mum her doing not mine , well apart from occasional texts to mr which impart her news and never ask about me or her only grandchildren . I am over 50 and to be honest I prefer it this way , I spent my whole life from childhood onwards trying to have a relationship with her and thinking one day she would be interested in me and one day she would be nice to me. She never did those things and it’s a relief not to have to deal with her anymore xx

Perhaps you could define these ‘majority of cases’ in more detail.

How would you protect yourself against an abusive parent whilst remaining in contact? I’m all ears.

This is good advice . Mine is she has thought of no one but herself her whole life and now it’s my turn to not feel guilty .

There are shades of grey. I can handle my parent can be handled without going NC. She’s a pain in the arse, and has been and is abusive at times. However as an adult you are less vulnerable than you were and have more resources available to handle the relationship.
I’m not talking about you- you have every right to go NC is that was what you needed, and I’m sure it’s justified.

My sister has gone NC with DM several times, one of her DC is NC with her. The whole lot of them could have invested in some strategies that would have given them more choices.

VIncette was just suggesting the OP think about all the possibilities before making a final decision. She wasn’t criticising your decision.

Therapy, and absolutely loads of it. I always felt more sad for my brother because he ‘knew’ her better before all contact stopped rather than myself, but even when I just sit there and think of all the awful things she did that confirms to me it’s best she’s not in my life.

Maintaining brief contact is usually better.

What if, even brief, contact is stressful, and painful for the adult child? Why is that better?

It's very early days OP. Your mother has always been in your life, and an extremely dominant presence by the sound of it. There is a huge amount of emotion for you to work through and I'm not surprised you're feeling very fragile

Well done for starting counselling and recognising the need to go back to counselling. Separating from a parent in this way is very dark and frightening stuff, and professional support can be invaluable.

If you feel that NC is still the best decision for you, then stick with it. It will change over time - the pain and guilt and grief won't be so sharp. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, even when it's horrible. Go easy on yourself. You're in the thick of something extremely painful but it will change

Maintaining brief contact is usually better.

what this essentially means is while it’s okay to have your feelings make sure it looks like everything is okay to others. Make sure the optics are that of a normal family so other people won’t know there’s something fundamentally screwed up about the family. It’s about keeping the disordered person quiet.

It gets easier op. I blocked my Mother on everything and even moved house to escape the birthday cards. I felt like I had given her decades of my life to prove she could be a decent person. Eventually I realised there was no love between us and her loss was worth it for the peace and calm.

i also echo what @blankcanvas3said about loads of therapy. It helped me move through the guilt and reminded me that it was ok to choose not to have her in my life.

I’ll be 21 years this summer of NC, she’s never met my youngest DD. She was physically and mentally abusive growing up, I tried for years to let her have a relationship with my other 3DC, but it was a repeat of my childhood; trying to create a golden child/scapegoat with my 2 eldest, the final straw was when my eldest told me that she’d badly smacked my then 6yr old DD, she tried to justify it but that was the end.
I’ve since moved 50 miles away and she doesn’t know where we are, I’ve had no regrets , I should have done it long before I did.
If your mind is set you have to block all means of contact or she will chip away and the guilt won’t go.
Ignore the ‘she’s your mum’ thoughts or comments, nothing justifies abusive shitty behaviour whether it’s your mum or a stranger.

To add, whoever said brief contact should be kept, such terrible advice, it just gives them the space to keep abusing you.

@HortiGal Depends if it’s abuse or someone not accepting parent has sen. Two sides to lots of stories.

@OhDear111
Reading back, your comment blaming the child who goes NC is very inappropriate, you’ve no idea what someone has suffered at the hands of their parent.
Disgraceful victim blaming.

Forgiveness came and resolved most of the residual pain.
Sistemic coaching let me put down the rest.
Can’t re-open the relationship because she can’t help herself, but I can help myself.
It sucks, but everybody gets some shit “life cards”, and this is one of mine.

It’s over 20 years, I don’t think she has much time left, and her memory is fading. If there were a way I could make things different, I would. But there isn’t.

Everyone responds with the knowledge of their own situations. Some have seen an abuser get away with it too long. Others have seen someone cut off for very little.

I’m kind of lucky- the people in my life who do the NC stuff to each other all seem fairly equally deserving of it. I sit on the edge keeping my own counsel and not interfering. If they were interested in learning better ways to manage it, I’d support them. But they are mainly interested in being right.

Thank you everyone for all your support.

Over the last year all the brief contact we’ve had has been initiated by me 90% of the time and all I’ve had is nastiness back. Whenever I try and reach out to her it does nothing but cause me upset. I genuinely don’t understand how a mother can be so heartless towards her own child.

She’s like it to everyone though - her selfish and mean characteristics are not solely targeted at me but I guess I just thought that as her daughter it would somehow make me different, or I would be someone more special to her and so she’d see me as worthy of being treated with kindness, but it seems not.

I can’t have her in my life…. she’s just too damaging to me. I have spent my life being terrified of her (in various ways), and I just can’t do it anymore.

I know that she’s emotionally and mentally unwell, her doctors have been trying to tell her to get help for YEARS, but she won’t accept it. Meanwhile she just treats everyone however badly she likes, with absolutely no care as to how she makes other people feel, whilst expecting us to tiptoe around her and accept her behaviour. I emotionally and mentally cant cope with it anymore.