To those who are NC with their mothers?

[LondonLady1980]

How have you made peace with it?

I have had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother all my life and 11 months ago (at the age of 42) it all came to a head and it's pretty much been NC ever since. The odd message here and there (which always ends up with me feeling bad) but I haven't seen or spoke to her since last April.

I had counselling last Summer which really helped but things have really started to get to me again over the last few months (mum related) and so I re-commenced counselling again a few weeks ago.

I just need to know how to stop feeling guilty and how to stop going over and over and over everything in my mind - constantly questioning everything about my childhood, questioning why she treated me the way she did, questioning why even as an adult she still manipulated me and treated me bad, trying to make sense of her behaviour and her ways of thinking etc. It's like I just can't move on from it and it's driving me insane. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in therapy.

I'm hoping my confusion and upset is partly because going no contact is still relatively new (is 11 months classed as recent?) and that I'm still trying to make sense of it?

I'm just hoping to find strength and support from others who have been here and survived it because I'm really struggling 😥

It can minimise the drama and be easier in the long run. It avoids all the boat burning. Sometimes you can distance yourself and do the minimum necessary to keep the system balanced, rather than going NC which can be a nuclear option.

@HortiGal There might well be 2 sides to everything. You don’t know. I also don’t care what you think because you only listen to one side. It could be fiction. You don’t know. It could be all sorts of things on both sides. You don’t know that either. Some so called victims do need calling out. It’s now fashionable to go nc and be egged on to do it on line by random people who have no qualifications or in depth knowledge. I simply don’t care that much about self described victims I’m afraid.

There’s lots of ways. They largely involve reducing contact and/or keeping contact on your own terms. Maybe in public or neutral areas or based around a specific activities; excluding alcohol; making sure you have a supportive ally at meet-ups. Perhaps making it clear that certain topics are not up for discussion. There are lots of ways to set boundaries that aren’t cutting all ties.

It’s sadly very common for people to have difficult relationships with one or both parents. A lot of people who have children are not cut out for it. Sometimes it’s necessary to cut all ties, but there are plenty of other ways to manage difficult relationships.

I think it needs (a) time and (b) you need to work on yourself to get past picking the wound back open. That may be therapy (that helped me a lot) or it may be dealing with your own struggles (I got sober too).

It’s very early days still. I’m probably 4 years NC with my mum now, though it’s been over 6 years since I’ve seen her. She married a man who is a convicted paedophile and facilitated his access to my children (thankfully not harmed because I intervened quickly when things made me uncomfortable), but she has facilitated his abuse of other children since.

For me, what helped was coming to accept that there were no other options. I was sexually abused as a child (not by her current partner). The fact that she thinks sexual abuse is fine is a non starter. When I told her, her response was she didn’t understand why I was making such a big deal about it all. She is a broken, dysfunctional person. I’ve tried so much to help her, but it sunk me to the bottom trying to rescue her. I had to let go. She was no longer safe to have around my children, so a relationship was just not possible, unless she wanted to get better and she didn’t. She said she’d rather never see any of us again than get any help to change, so she hasn’t.

There was literally no alternative. I couldn’t have someone in my life who thinks sexually abusing children is okay as long they don’t get physically hurt too badly. That’s simply a line that once crossed you can never come back from. It was really painful though. But time and work on my own trauma has helped a lot.

She most likely trained you to feel guilt and doubt, so, of course you feel guilt and doubt. It is innate. It is not your fault.

When you feel the guilt, doubt or any other emotion associated with her, take actual time to look at it and actively think, I see this feeling, but it doesn't serve me right now, and I reject it. I love myself. I am enough.

Keep repeating it. Take full advantage of therapy. With time, hopefully it will get easier.

What I find difficult is the occasional positive emotion (memory of something she did actually try at, or the flashbacks of what she almost got right, when she did care in some capacity..). And am learning to see that for what it was, a random better part of a flawed human, not a reason to keep putting myself through the emotional mangle in the hope she could improve overall. You've made progress there with the no contact, so keep it up.

It will get easier, as time passes. Stop speaking about her - politely close off questions, if anyone asks.
And you will find that you think about her less and less because she is irrelevant in your life.

Well as he years have gone on it's got easier but I felt relief when it finally happened and she wouldn't dare po up.

I never understand why people think LC is better and the situation can be 'managed'. Why should it. You wouldn't recommend LC with anyone else so why should mothers get a free pass?

When you say you are really struggling @LondonLady1980 , which aspect are you struggling with? That's not meant in any way to be sarcastic, just is it the not-seeing her that's difficult, or the wondering if you're going to lapse and start communication again, or the guilt?

For all of these reasons I am LC with my mother because I find that easier to manage - we discuss things in a bland way by text, and any of her many suggestions that we get together, I just ignore. For me this avoids some of the guilt because I am still in touch with her, just, but it's on my terms...and when some recent events reminded me of how awful she was/is, I was able to shut it down for a bit, saying that I was withdrawing because of mental health issues. Cowardice possibly, truth definitely, but it worked for me.

I think you will go back and forth many times over what-might-have-been, it's a way of processing the fact that you have had to go NC, justifying to yourself the reasons why, because it does feel like a huge thing to have to do...especially as the whole mother-daughter thing is so lauded generally, so it's very hard to admit even to yourself (and I could never say it to my mother) that your relationship was a long way from that. I sometimes think just recognising that is the most important thing, so that you can take steps to protect yourself from now on...and if you wobble a bit and go back (like any abusive relationship) there is an indefinite opportunity to step back out again when nothing from her side has changed.

So don't beat yourself up, it is still early days and it hasn't yet become "normal", it is still a thing that you are actively having to do...which is hard, especially as on some level, it is impossible not to wish/hope that things could be different, even whilst knowing that they cannot. One day at a time love, look after yourself.

I’m happy to be criticised it isn’t about that, I’ve been on this road for many many years.

I don’t think the comment was helpful for people who are trying to navigate the early stages of no contact and it holds a twinge of victim blaming imo.

Many people choose not to have contact with an abuser. It’s not as simple as saying you can choose to not Let them bother you.

I completely agree with you.

I don’t feel guilty either. Just overwhelming relief that she can never hurt me again.

Absolutely no victim blaming at all in my post. Just saying that there are a number of tools that can be employed. And no one here suggested that you can choose not to let damaging parents bother you. All your points are coming from a place of pain. And maybe that’s understandable. But it’s not the best place to provide advice from.

I’m struggling because she won’t leave me alone.

She bad mouths me, tells lies about me, makes out she’s the victim and I’m the bad guy (and she 100% knows this gets back to me).

She keeps popping up (Christmas, birthdays, other random times), just to shit stir in some way and then it puts me right back to square one.

When I give in to the guilt she piles on me, and I do make an attempt to contact her (so I’m not the “bad guy” that she tells everyone I am) she’s then just nasty to me in response.

It’s all one big game to her.
It’s all about controlling me.

She can’t just accept that I need her to leave me alone.

She cant let me move on from her and in turn it’s causing me so much upset.

She just can’t take any accountability for the fact that me making the decision to go NC is because of her and her actions. She can’t respect that and her response is just to turn everything into a big manipulative game where she’s still in control.

do the minimum necessary to keep the system balanced

A system with abuse isn’t balanced. Why is it up to the person on the receiving end to mitigate it and make it okay? You’d let a spouse decide not to see an abusive partner wouldn’t you?

Explain this “popping up”

Have you not blocked her on everything?

It’s not bizarre or unhelpful. It just doesn’t validate your choices.

And this is problem isn’t it.

We are expected to tolerate really harmful behaviour just because it’s coming from a relative.

Throw in the fact it’s the “mother” and you’re made out to be evil for even considering low contact, never mind no contact.

Why does the fact she gave birth to me mean that I have to allow her to be in my life when she can be so nasty to me ☹️

There’s lots of ways. They largely involve reducing contact and/or keeping contact on your own terms.

i did consider lc with my disordered parent but I realised that it would be even more of a farce than it was before. I’d be there for the show of me being physically near them but I now knew that they just couldnt have warm feelings for me. How does that make any sense ‘yes, this person has never loved you and has harmed you in terrible ways but have a coffee with them’ What is this madness and who does it benefit?

Ah ok @LondonLady1980 I get it completely - I have this with my abusive XH. The only thing that works for me (and it isn't foolproof, but nearly) is to grey rock...basically minimal non-committal responses that give no information whatsoever, and definitely no reaction, which is what your mother is looking for.

So she says "X" by text or in a voicemail. You send back a thumbs-up, or say OK. She has her response, but it doesn't feed the monster, and it doesn't "cost" you anything emotionally, or at least not as much as getting drawn into a conversation/argument. Any birthday or Christmas cards, straight in the bin/fire, without reading them.

It takes a bit of practice, especially when you're used to trying to keep the peace, but the idea is, essentially, that you become super-boring...provide no entertainment or fuel for the flames.

As to her saying nasty things about you, this is where the "let them" idea comes in...just let her get on with it, anyone who listens and takes her seriously is not worth your time anyway. You're not going to stop her doing it, but you can stop responding to it.

Basically, take charge of your side of things - manage and minimise your responses to keep interaction with her to an absolute minimum. It becomes a habit I promise, and there will also be satisfaction in watching her not know what to do when you don't play...she can't continue conversations or arguments if you don't join in. And that way freedom lies...

People are complex. And there are plenty of people who have parents who are very difficult and damaged, but they do benefit from sustaining some kind of relationship with them.

I completely understand that didn’t work for you.

Why does the fact she gave birth to me mean that I have to allow her to be in my life when she can be so nasty to me ☹️

a lot of people seem to think that at the point a sperm fertilises an egg that both people undergo some sort of supernatural metamorphosis rendering them mature and loving. Ha!

People are complex. And there are plenty of people who have parents who are very difficult and damaged, but they do benefit from sustaining some kind of relationship with them.

and you honestly thought ‘I bet op has never considered that people are complex? Jesus, I reckon op knew WAY TOO YOUNG how abusive complex people can be.

She leaves things on my door step (gifts and cards).

Or she will send messages to me via other people.... i.e

"Tell LondonLady I hope she and the children are doing ok...."
"Tell LondonLady that I hope work is going ok......"
"Tell LondonLady that I was thinking of her the other day..."
"Tell LondonLady that I went to our favourite shop the other day....."

etc etc etc

So although I am having no physical or verbal contact with her, she's still there. She always makes sure I'm being reminded of her existence.

No I don’t assume that. But although the abusive relationship may be longstanding OP is new to therapy and appears relatively new to the journey of considering alternative ways to change the dynamic.

I was 2 when she walked out on me and 5 when she reappeared - and that's when all the physical and emotional neglect began. So yes, I was very young.