Is my husband cheating on me or am I the problem?

[Lisaxc]

I'm not sure if sharing this will be good idea but I have to confront with someone as all of my friends and family knows me and my husband too well.

Basically I wonder if it's possible that he is cheating on me. But to add some context. We are married for 10 years and have amazing 4 year old daughter. We are in our 30s basically and both are working in corporate environment. Mu husband is an amazing dad, and our baby girl loves him very much. He was always there with her since day one, when I had to work late he was finishing earlier, played with her and doing all necessary things which resulted in him being first parent for her most of the times. I've changed my job when she was 2 and now we are doing 50/50 time around her.

My husband works in the same company for around 8 years and there is a Woman there called Kate who started in the company in the same time so they become a good friends. Their company is doing parties and they are always sitting next to each other and having some fun, same goes for once a year 3 days trips to some nice places which their company organizes for all people. I know they did not shared a room but wanted too but company refused as there was no possibility for mixed sex workers in one hotel room.

I have always trusted my husband. And I also know Kate's fiance as we met few times on double date. He is a good guy and much different than my husband. Kate is literally a model. She has a great figure and is overall gorgeous. Ive never looked close, and her fiance is Asian guy, handsome but with more softer look. My husband is more masculine has a facial hair and is quite opposite.

It did not seem to be a problem as I did not believed that there was more than friendship between them but now they started to commune to work together 3 times a week. My husband picks Kate up from home as she and her fiance bought a house o the way to their office.

They are working regular hours, but there was a few times when he has to work a little late but nothing beyond that really. He is not mentioning her while with me and isn't hiding his phone or anything like that.

I love him very much but I ve also have significantly lower libido. For me 1-2 times a month is enough as I prefer more emotional connection. My husband always communicated that it's hurting him and he needs more. We have had ups and downs, doing this more often but eventually after a while it was always coming back to the default settings. Problem got worse after I gave birth and I don't like my body now. He says he don't mind me changing and he tried to initiate a lot of times but I was turning him down and now after two months of lacking intimacy he stopped asking for it. Last time when I was trying to initiate something he turned me down saying he is not feeling well which didn't happened till now.

I know it may be my fault. I don't know really. I don't think he is cheating with Kate as she literally invited us to their wedding this year. I don't know really. I'm afraid to talk to him about it as I've already checked out his phone once and there was nothing there ...

They are always cheating xx

We discussed this when they told us the idea. We basically agreed that they are grown ups and can sleep on two different beds without doing anything. And if they want to have sex they could easily do it without the room as there is always a lot of time on activities and they both chose hotel relax after a first day party and went for spa together. But both me and Kate fiance know this and it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't really jealous about it than. Just are curious now but again I don't believe they are doing this in plain sight. There was a times when they did not meet for weeks at work when she was absent for longer time and after my pregnancy when he worked from home all the time

Daily sex is a lot. I agree.

You missed the bit where they wanted to share a room on a recent work trip then…

Them wanting to share a room
together doesn’t stand out to you? Jeez.

Oh gosh honey no! I can see everyone here saying no evidence, he’s not being unreasonable, you are the problem but no! She seems to be his number 1, his go to, he chooses her for the fun stuff,that’s supposed to be you, your lack of confidence while technically your issue is also a reflection of his opinion of you surely? I’ve had a higher opinion of myself overweight because my partner worships me than when Ive been technically perfect because my partners mind is elsewhere. You can’t do anything about him but you can work on your own confidence, go to counselling, even as a couple, it will bring everything into the open good and bad and help you cope with the fall out. Right now you don’t trust your own feelings, let someone else clarify things for you

If it wasn’t for the fact they wanted to share a hotel room I wouldn’t have an issue. However if my husband had wanted to share a hotel room with another woman I’d be furious

did he just openly tell you that he wanted to share with her and the only reason he didn’t was that it was against company policy, or did you find out another way?

Why have you not brought this up to your husband? Are you scared what his response will be?

As I said. They both asked our opinion on this. It was due to them going together with car to the event so from practical way of view it make sense. Plus Kate said we are all grown ups and it's no big deal

You, Op, need to stop fantasizing what might be happening at work and concentrate on fixing what is happening (or not happening) on the home front.
Get back to having counselling for your sexual aversion. Do not let family visits nor anything else cause you to cancel the sessions. It is a major problem. You seem to want to improve your relationship so hear your husband and understand that sexual intimacy is important to your marriage.

They’re both going in the car so it makes sense to share a hotel room?! Staying in the same hotel, sure, but they don’t need the same room.

It doesn't make sense at all! They seem to be working hard to play this down, all grown ups, this makes sense practically etc. Gaslighty as fuck. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

I don’t know if you meant to reply to a different message but mine was about you and your marriage and the therapy you need, not about Kate and some beds.

You already know, by your original question, that your rejection of your husband is going to become a problem. You keep procrastinating facing this problem. Why?

So @Lisaxc if you were asked your opinion on them sharing a hotel room did you object?

sharing a room on a work trip is not ok.

No i didn't. I trusted him and still do but just wonder now if I should worry. It's difficult

My husband claims that we are not Intimate enough. I know he always have a huge libido and with his previous partner was much more frequent. The thing is he was my first partner and waited 1.5 years for me to be ready. Afterwards it was up and down. We always have this longer periods without intimacy for around 1 - 1.5 months but after this time I think we always bounce back with a once a week for 2-3 weeks. I always felt like he is overdoing but I worry it may be a problem. He never give me the feeling it was my fault, only wanted to go to counseling but I didnt think it was necessary. We have had hard conversation about it recently after I turned him down he said we have a problem. Ok it was a month and a half but before that we have a quite a good run so I thought the problem is no longer here. I told him that I wanted to be I timste with him this week but he claimed it was out of pity and become distant. I don't know what to do really. I see that he is trying. Cooking, taking me on dates, but he stopped initiating at all

It seems you have a big problem in your marriage, an affair is possibly the least of it. Your husband has suggested counselling and you have rejected it out of hand. It could be you are just incompatible but you owe it to each other to explore the options.

It’s your right to not want to be intimate, but it’s also very hard to be rejected all the time. Some people are so confident that it doesn’t make a dent, but most people would struggle not to be genuinely hurt by being rejected frequently when they try to initiate sex with someone they love and find attractive.

It sounds like your husband is willing to try to fix your marriage, but if you refuse to go to therapy together and talking about it isn’t helping then what else can he do? It takes two people to make a marriage work, and sometimes that will involve going through the discomfort of talking to a mental healthcare professional because you think your marriage is worth saving.

No one can say whether your husband is having an affair besides him, but it sounds like there are problems in your marriage that you need to navigate together, and that they’re the kind of problems which could lead to an affair or separation if you don’t address them.

Of course it’s a big fucking deal. Two people of tge opposite sex sharing a hotel room when it’s absolutely not necessary is not a normal way to behave.

You worry he might be having an affair and yet you don’t have an issue with giving him your blessing to be in a position where they would find it very easy to cross the line.

Sharing a hotel room and driving in same car are absolutely nothing like the same.

You’re not doing anything to help the situation or your marriage.

you have low self esteem, comparing yourself to Kate then projecting your husband might be having an affair

he’s coming to you trying to fix it, but you’re rejecting everything.

what do you expect?

Perhaps you’re no longer sexually compatible

I couldn't feel very close to a husband who was investing so much energy into another woman. Even if there is no sexual connection or intention between them. I don't want to be the third wheel.

I can see why this is making you feel less connected, less needed as a woman and therefore less likely to be intimate.

So you don’t want to have sex with your husband. You know he wants more, but you’re not interested. You make vague promises of more sex but don’t keep them. You don’t want people to help you with your marriage problems.

But you think some random woman is the problem? Erm, no.

You are incompatible with each other, and you don’t care that you are incompatible. This will end in affairs or divorce if you stay the person you are now.

I really do think your husband has tried to “fix” the marriage by suggesting you both go to therapy. Are you from a religious background @Lisaxc as it sounds you’ve had a sheltered life.l? There is nothing wrong with your H being your first ( my exH was) but I had sex with him within 8 weeks of dating. Why did you not feel ready before a year and a half? It’s quite sad that your husband has gone into his shell. But I don’t think he’s blameless either. I would feel quite disconnected from my partner if he was investing so much time into a friendship with another female and I wouldn’t be accommodating it either.

You are at a cross roads op, get some sex therapy for yourself and marriage counselling with your husband. It needs to be resolved before it gets worse.