Is my husband cheating on me or am I the problem?

[Lisaxc]

I'm not sure if sharing this will be good idea but I have to confront with someone as all of my friends and family knows me and my husband too well.

Basically I wonder if it's possible that he is cheating on me. But to add some context. We are married for 10 years and have amazing 4 year old daughter. We are in our 30s basically and both are working in corporate environment. Mu husband is an amazing dad, and our baby girl loves him very much. He was always there with her since day one, when I had to work late he was finishing earlier, played with her and doing all necessary things which resulted in him being first parent for her most of the times. I've changed my job when she was 2 and now we are doing 50/50 time around her.

My husband works in the same company for around 8 years and there is a Woman there called Kate who started in the company in the same time so they become a good friends. Their company is doing parties and they are always sitting next to each other and having some fun, same goes for once a year 3 days trips to some nice places which their company organizes for all people. I know they did not shared a room but wanted too but company refused as there was no possibility for mixed sex workers in one hotel room.

I have always trusted my husband. And I also know Kate's fiance as we met few times on double date. He is a good guy and much different than my husband. Kate is literally a model. She has a great figure and is overall gorgeous. Ive never looked close, and her fiance is Asian guy, handsome but with more softer look. My husband is more masculine has a facial hair and is quite opposite.

It did not seem to be a problem as I did not believed that there was more than friendship between them but now they started to commune to work together 3 times a week. My husband picks Kate up from home as she and her fiance bought a house o the way to their office.

They are working regular hours, but there was a few times when he has to work a little late but nothing beyond that really. He is not mentioning her while with me and isn't hiding his phone or anything like that.

I love him very much but I ve also have significantly lower libido. For me 1-2 times a month is enough as I prefer more emotional connection. My husband always communicated that it's hurting him and he needs more. We have had ups and downs, doing this more often but eventually after a while it was always coming back to the default settings. Problem got worse after I gave birth and I don't like my body now. He says he don't mind me changing and he tried to initiate a lot of times but I was turning him down and now after two months of lacking intimacy he stopped asking for it. Last time when I was trying to initiate something he turned me down saying he is not feeling well which didn't happened till now.

I know it may be my fault. I don't know really. I don't think he is cheating with Kate as she literally invited us to their wedding this year. I don't know really. I'm afraid to talk to him about it as I've already checked out his phone once and there was nothing there ...

I don't think anything here suggests he is cheating. Car sharing etc is all normal, and so are platonic relationships between sexes. When it comes to your lower libido, and how this effects him - what is your plan? Are you just accepting thats all you need, and that he's hurt? Or are you making appointments, researching, going to therapy etc to address this?

I know they did not shared a room but wanted too but company refused as there was no possibility for mixed sex workers in one hotel room.

You must be extremely laid back OP if you weren't worried that your H wanted to share a room with this woman.

I wouldn't be hapoy about their extremely close relationship and the amount of time they spend together.

Get some counselling around your body confdence. Your body has changed it is still wonderful. Stop being envious of katie.

Your husband has close relationship with katie. Who knows what goes on.

Talk to your husband.

They sound too close for me to feel comfortable if it were my partner and the wanting to share a room is really out there. Goodness knows what other colleagues made of that. He may not be having an affair yet but sounds like he in an ideal position to be tempted to try.

l would feel rejected and that you didn't find me attractive anymore .
It's horrible feeling like that @Lisaxc. You must talk to him about it and try to find some middle ground. I would refuse the scraps offered too . It's soul destroying . I don't think he's having an affair with his colleague but she sounds like she's a very good friend to him and he her. It is possible to be platonic good friends with a member of the opposite sex .
My best friend is male and he's like a member of my family and my best friend . We are entirely platonic but do love each other. It is possible there is nothing in this friendship.

@Lisaxc you know Kate and fiance?
The wedding invitation is ridiculous as is the room share. Is Kates fiance aware?

To be honest it sounds like you're projecting your own insecurities onto his relationship with Kate. I'm not saying there definitely isn't anything between them - I don't know them - but it sounds like even you don't really believe that there is. You're just frightened he's going to look elsewhere.

Kate's a red herring. Get some therapy for yourself and for you two as a couple. Wishing you very best of luck.

Ive refused counseling as I don't feel comfortable sharing our sex life face to face with complete stranger but he has some sessions with sexologist and it helped us. We have talked a bit and decided to go 1 time a week which I agreed on. Unfortunately there is always something, family visits, sickness or the day I don't feel like I would like to do this. So this stopped working and since he stopped asking for it I felt like he was thinking the same as me. Now it feels weird and awfull being rejected.

@Monty27 Yes her Fiance is aware. I've asked him once when we were alone during barbecue party what he thinks about this room situation. Don't know him that well so I've made it a bit of a joke. But he said he is fine with that as basically he knows she is not Into my husband

@RaininSummer the only problem is that they know each other for 8 years and have had multiple occasions of doing something wrong but It feels like they didn't do it. They are always sitting next to each other, eating, dancing together on this parties but when we are all together they acting more like siblings. In other hand she is doing some photoshoots, nothing crazy not even close to being naked etc but he likes it on instagram. But also it may be just for support

People who refuse counseling when there are problems are throwing away their marriage. Thats you. ‘You didn’t feel like it on the day’ - that attitude seems to me to guarantee he will one day decide he doesn’t feel like being married to you. Ball is in your court here.

It sounds like your effort in the relationship is minimal.
You say you feel awful after being rejected once. Does that not make you consider how awful he felt after continuous rejection and no willingness from you to go to counselling to address it?
There's nothing in your post to suggest he is cheating. Maybe you're just getting worried now it's hitting home that you haven't tried to work on the relationship and you could have lost him.

The problem is you and I think you need a trip to the drs to get yourself sorted. There is nothing wrong with giving colleagues a lift to work etc. Nothing stands out here other than you really need help with your low mood

I'm not sure if there is anything going on with Kate, doesn't quite sound like it, but do think that the current situation could lead to something with her, or someone else in the future. Men can be fickle.

Thearpy is important for you, and as a couple. If the relationship is worth saving then both of you need to put the effort in. With my ex, we had something similar where she would go to the "gym" but I convinced myself that she was getting a different type of cardio activity as our sex life was minimal despite me wanting to be intimiate. She refused to go to marriage counciling and when we finally did, she wasn't engaged in it. Would it have helped? Maybe, but I felt that she wasn't giving any effort to the relationship.

Being sexually aligned is important for a healthy relationship in my opinion, and sex is a function of being happy with yourself, being able to communicate with your partner, and focus on being a team.

This isn’t about Kate, then. You feel guilty and that’s the heart of the problem. TBH, your husband probably feels rejected, too.

Talk to him and prioritise getting back to the therapist with him. No excuses about “things getting in the way.”

There's three seperate things going on here.

1. Your sex drive. That is incredibly low. Have you had thorough blood tests to see what's going on? Im 41, 2 kids, I work, elderly parents to look after, and we still have sex once or twice a day. One of the reasons im so "up" for sex is becsuse our emotional connection is so strong. You say you prefer an emotional connection but the two are linked. I would definetly get yourself looked at a full health MOT. Once or twice a month is not much for someone with a healthy sex drive, and I think you are aware of this and this is feeding your concerns of cheating.

Ask yourself do you trust your husband? It sounds like no. You need to have homest and open discussions with him

1. You are comparing yourself to another woman and putting yourself down. Comparison is the thief of joy.

All these issues are in my opinion intertwined.

The only thing that is not on is them wanting to share a room. Overstepping boundaries there. The rest doesnt seem like that.

This. It sounds like you don't really want him in many ways but you don't want anyone else to have him.

Go to therapy together but it may be too late. Sounds like he's disconnected from you?

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. I think the main thing you need to work on right now is yourself; you seem to have incredibly low self esteem, you have no libido, and you just seem down. My advice would be to see a therapist, I felt the same as you re talking to someone about issues and honestly they changed my life! I also think you need to ask your husband outright if he is having an affair, no one can tell you on MN if he is. I wouldn’t be happy about the sharing room situation but males and females can be friends. You might get a clearer answer from his response and you can take it from there.

The title is so confusing, @Lisaxc. It is like two separate questions.
In short: Nobody around here will be able to tell you if your husband is cheating on you or not. Is it possible? Of course, it's possible for everyone to cheat. So that will take you nowhere. Based on him being friends with this woman on its own means nothing, there are strong male-female friendships that are just that. My best friend is a woman, too, personally. The only thing that is iffy to me, is the room share situation. Did you ask him about why it seemed like a good idea?
I guess the other big thing that stood out for me was how you are handling your own self-esteem and libido question. Flat-out refusing counselling is a not a great move, you need to be mature enough to know what can help your situation. It's like saying I don't want a health check from my GP because if he examines my prostate it will make me gay (I have heard that from...uhm... well-balanced grown-up men). What needs looking after should be looked after, simple as that. It is mildly alarming that you are just accepting your way, while your husband is clearly in need for something more. And no, I am not saying to just bite the bullet and have more sex. Communicate, look into what you two can work out together, and be an adult about therapy, etc.

They are always sitting next to each other, eating, dancing together on this parties but when we are all together they acting more like siblings

Well unless they want to totally blow up the current situation by openly flaunting their affair in front of you they would act like siblings infront of you wouldn't they?

I'm afraid I would suspect they are havering an affair. At least an emotional one. And given they wanted to share a room together it is probably physical, or they want it to be.

I would think your H doesn't want to end your marriage because of his closeness and dedication to your DD. And therefore he is content to carry on his relationship with this woman whilst maintaining his home situation with you.

you have sex once or twice a day?
do you mean you have sex once or twice a week?
that might be usual for many couples but i’d suggest once or twice a day isn’t what most people would expect. although obv totally fine is both parties are up for it.
just wanted to clarify that in case the op thinks that’s what to aim for.

Apart from them wanting to share a room, which would have made me feel uncomfortable too, I wouldn't say there's any other indication that they are anything more than very close friends but I also think if that was anything untoward that they'd have kept that hush hush and not been open about it. There's alot of secrecy that goes into cheating, for example my ex who cheated with his manager went from seemingly neutral to "I absolutely cannot stand her, I hate her" when he started cheating and as someone who takes people at their word and expect they say what they mean I didn't imagine that he meant quite the opposite and was throwing me off the scent so to speak.

I think you need to attend relationship counselling and for you to be completely honest about the issues to get this back on track, can't go on like this. Big hugs OP as this must be incredibly difficult.

I know they did not shared a room but wanted too but company refused as there was no possibility for mixed sex workers in one hotel room.

I'm sorry, I can't get past this. Why on earth would two married people (who are not married to one another) want to share a room for a company trip.

Jeez, even sharing a hotel room with my husband annoys me sometimes, there's no way I'd choose to walk into a bathroom after an unrelated man has performed his morning.. ablutions.

This is so weird, and the under-reaction from you and her husband is also odd. You both seem like passive observers in this. Feels very much like operating in plain sight.

Think of seeing a therapist like seeing a doctor.

There are parts of your body you wouldn't show to a stranger on the street, but you would show a doctor because you understand the importance of healthcare.

Therapy is healthcare for your marriage.

I wasnt trying to get her to "aim" for anything, it was simply to try and say that just brushing it off as "always somethjng else going on/the kids/too tired" etc are just excuses and to get herself checked out.

Of course no couples are the same I was just trying to say that I have "lots going on" too 🤷‍♀️

And yes once/twice a day it wasnt a typo