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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW I don't know what to make of this

38 replies

Lavendill · 26/02/2026 10:41

Very out of the blue and out of character. Yesterday, after putting the kids to bed, me and DH were cooking something together and he was standing behind me. He put his arm around my neck and began to jokingly mimic as if he was choking me. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I instantly called him out on it. I asked him what the hell he was doing and not to simulate trying to kill me. He said it wasn't that and it's how you put someone to sleep.

Now thinking about it today, I feel really weird about it. He has never ever done anything like this before. Should I take this as a massive red flag? I don't want to make a scene out of nothing but it was just so unlike him and odd that's it's left me feeling unnerved.

OP posts:
WellHardly · 26/02/2026 10:43

I’d be very worried about his grasp on reality, not to mention basic human biology, if he can’t distinguish between blocking someone’s airway and ‘putting them to sleep’.

Original poster
Lavendill · 26/02/2026 10:48

I did say to him it only puts someone to sleep because it stops oxygen to the brain.....which if carried on could kill someone. It's just very weird.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 26/02/2026 10:51

Has he really shown no prior signs of being a fucking weirdo? I find that quite difficult to believe. This is appalling OP, really disturbing and I would be very worried about it.

ShawnaMacallister · 26/02/2026 10:53

He's your husband and never done anything like this before. I assume you know him pretty well? I wouldn't assume it's a red flag, massive or otherwise, without further evidence.

Original poster
Lavendill · 26/02/2026 11:03

Prior to this a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came up to me when I was in the bathroom and cornered me up against the sink holding down my arms. I told him to let go and I must have asked 3 times before he did. He didn't leave bruises or anything. He said he did it because he was trying to ground me and I was working myself up but I don't quite understand in what world physically restraining someone and blocking them, whether it was unintentional or not, is the best way to achieve that.

I guess maybes that why I'm more sensitive about this "playful act" days later

OP posts:
Andepeda · 26/02/2026 11:06

If this is new behaviour I'd be creeped out. What's he been watching or reading?

BauhausOfEliott · 26/02/2026 11:07

Lavendill · 26/02/2026 11:03

Prior to this a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came up to me when I was in the bathroom and cornered me up against the sink holding down my arms. I told him to let go and I must have asked 3 times before he did. He didn't leave bruises or anything. He said he did it because he was trying to ground me and I was working myself up but I don't quite understand in what world physically restraining someone and blocking them, whether it was unintentional or not, is the best way to achieve that.

I guess maybes that why I'm more sensitive about this "playful act" days later

Yeah, all of this is really concerning.

Are these the first times he's been physically aggressive? Is he ever controlling or bullying in other, non-physical ways?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 26/02/2026 11:10

Me personally I’d be very worried. I have dumped my fiance though as he got drunk and verbally abusive.

sprigatito · 26/02/2026 11:11

Lavendill · 26/02/2026 11:03

Prior to this a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came up to me when I was in the bathroom and cornered me up against the sink holding down my arms. I told him to let go and I must have asked 3 times before he did. He didn't leave bruises or anything. He said he did it because he was trying to ground me and I was working myself up but I don't quite understand in what world physically restraining someone and blocking them, whether it was unintentional or not, is the best way to achieve that.

I guess maybes that why I'm more sensitive about this "playful act" days later

So he is in fact escalating. You’re not safe. Please don’t ignore your instincts!

EveryKneeShallBow · 26/02/2026 11:12

Yeah I’d be very concerned about that. Is he otherwise behaving strangely? You might want to think about asking him to leave, or leaving yourself, or at least getting things in place for if you don’t feel safe.

holycrapballs · 26/02/2026 11:13

That’s really odd behaviour. Is it completely out of the blue before the other day?

Any other red flags?

AppropriateAdult · 26/02/2026 11:14

Lavendill · 26/02/2026 11:03

Prior to this a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came up to me when I was in the bathroom and cornered me up against the sink holding down my arms. I told him to let go and I must have asked 3 times before he did. He didn't leave bruises or anything. He said he did it because he was trying to ground me and I was working myself up but I don't quite understand in what world physically restraining someone and blocking them, whether it was unintentional or not, is the best way to achieve that.

I guess maybes that why I'm more sensitive about this "playful act" days later

You're being abused, OP - this is not normal behaviour at all, least of all from the person who’s supposed to love you. The choking is a sign of escalation and is a huge red flag for future serious violence. Please get help.

Itstimeforachangeagain · 26/02/2026 11:15

This is very worrying OP.

I would be wondering if he has been watching violent porn. There is a worrying rise in women sustaining permanent brain damage as a result of non fatal strangulation.

I would seriously worry about your safety with this man.

YorksMa · 26/02/2026 11:17

This sounds very worrying. Grounding you? WTF? I bet he's been watching manosphere shite on social media. Sadly, I think this will only escalate. He's rehearsing.

BillieWiper · 26/02/2026 11:21

If he thinks that having not enough oxygen in your body to breathe is the same as being asleep then he's not only creepy but monumentally cretinous.

I mean you could 'put someone to sleep' by smashing them over the head with a lump hammer but that would make you seem like some kind of horrifically violent psychopath.

Not surprised you are freaked out by this. Tell him if he ever does anything even vaguely similar again he's out the door. And you'll tell the police.

Tillow4ever · 26/02/2026 11:25

Are these 2 incidents hand on heart completely new, changed behaviour? If someone had told you a year ago that he would do that to you, would you have laughed in their face and told them not to be ridiculous, or could you have seen it as being a possibility?

If definitely new and changed behaviour, I would talk to him and ask him if he would he prepared to go to the doctor and talk about this change because you are concerned it could be an indication that there is something wrong with him. If he refuses, I would he prepared to leave in case next time he decides to do that to one of the kids.

If you realise that actually it’s a boiling frog situation and his behaviour has been slowly getting worse, I would leave. Abusers don’t start out as abusive - they win you over with their charm and love. This sounds like it is borderline abusive, but I’d need the full picture to know if it’s just him ramping things up or if it was something medically wrong. If it had been one incident, I might have been included to think he was being stupid.

I do wonder if he watches porn with choking and restraints in it and he wants to do that to you. I would make it very, very clear that you do not consent to being choked under any circumstances.

TinyCottageGirl · 26/02/2026 11:28

Was it some sort of wrestling move? Probably just seen a video on it, I doubt he would actually do it but only you actually know him/ My husband wouldn't do it but the reality is he is much bigger than me and I know he could if he wanted to.

OSupergran · 26/02/2026 11:30

Er wtf?
Seriously concerning. No partner of mine has ever restricted me, held me down, anything. What else is going on?

ShawnaMacallister · 26/02/2026 11:30

Lavendill · 26/02/2026 11:03

Prior to this a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came up to me when I was in the bathroom and cornered me up against the sink holding down my arms. I told him to let go and I must have asked 3 times before he did. He didn't leave bruises or anything. He said he did it because he was trying to ground me and I was working myself up but I don't quite understand in what world physically restraining someone and blocking them, whether it was unintentional or not, is the best way to achieve that.

I guess maybes that why I'm more sensitive about this "playful act" days later

This changes the assessment. This isn't play fighting or anything like that, this is physical aggression.

muggart · 26/02/2026 12:14

Lavendill · 26/02/2026 11:03

Prior to this a couple of days ago we had an argument and he came up to me when I was in the bathroom and cornered me up against the sink holding down my arms. I told him to let go and I must have asked 3 times before he did. He didn't leave bruises or anything. He said he did it because he was trying to ground me and I was working myself up but I don't quite understand in what world physically restraining someone and blocking them, whether it was unintentional or not, is the best way to achieve that.

I guess maybes that why I'm more sensitive about this "playful act" days later

how long have you known him?

using his superior strength to force you to do anything to completely unacceptable. I would go ballistic.

Dexy7655 · 26/02/2026 12:18

YorksMa · 26/02/2026 11:17

This sounds very worrying. Grounding you? WTF? I bet he's been watching manosphere shite on social media. Sadly, I think this will only escalate. He's rehearsing.

This was my thought too

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 26/02/2026 12:28

Yes, the "grounding" you by not letting you move is very fucking weird. It's patronising and treating you like a naughty child having a tantrum, and it shows he thinks it is acceptable to restrain another adult with force.

Would he 'ground' another man he is having an argument with? NO, because that man would punch his head in for making such a controlling and threatening move.

Do NOT ignore this, OP.

ginasevern · 26/02/2026 13:02

@Lavendill This is very, very bad OP. He's rehearsing and escalating. It might be mental illness, he might have met another woman or he might have gone down a manosphere rabbit hole. Either way, please don't ignore this as I think you are in danger.

OneShyQuail · 26/02/2026 13:15

What are you arguing about?

Are these two incidents the very first of their kind?

How does he talk about women in general

HugoThatway · 26/02/2026 13:26

He's crossed the boundary twice in 3 days. He's not safe to be around.