I walked out 14 weeks ago.

[Jd19861986]

Hi all, I’m currently going through a difficult time and I’m hoping writing my story in here is going to be therapeutic!

I am a 40 year old man who loves his 39 year old wife dearly. We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 12.

We’ve had a wonderful marriage generally, we’ve travelled the world together, laughed, cried and everything in between. There’s been some tricky times, like everyone has and we’ve got through them.

A year ago we moved house. Into a house we shouldn’t have bought. It was at the top of our budget, needed extensive renovation and as I work from home most of it fell on me. The pressure kept building to do this and maintain our lifestyle. As we approached Christmas there were some challenges with my mum around her coming on Christmas Day and also a Saturday morning she wanted to pop in for coffee. My wife was not keen and ended up calling me a narcissist because I hadn’t been clear than mum was coming for coffee, then wasn’t, then was and I was told I was lying. There’s been arguments in Christmas Day previously. Mum suffers from depression and being in the middle of my wife and mum who is very demanding is really difficult to manage. My wife isn’t easy sometimes which she’d be the first to say and does have strong views and opinions and very high standards which are hard to keep up with.

We had also been on holiday. Whilst we were away we both had job interviews online and found out we hadn’t got them. That was really stressful.

My biggest regret was that a friend from my childhood reached out to me for some help - a chat- when her ex husband when bankrupt. We’d confided in each other when we were much younger and she wanted someone to talk through things who was far removed from the situation. I met her and went for a walk with her dog on 2 occasions. I did wrong. I didn’t tell my wife because for me to see a friend without her at all was unusual and I knew she’d think the worst which was absolutely not true.

To cut a long story short, the stress built up. I couldn’t take being accused of an affair, the house pressure, the work pressure and the mum pressure. I walked away, stayed at my mums house and went silent. In a panic about how much I was hurting I filed for divorce - from the point of view that I realised how much hurt I was causing and didn’t want to drag out further hurt. This is really unusual behaviour and I was physically unwell. It turns out I had a small stroke which is likely to have happened just as this was happening. Speaking to my doctor there is a huge link between a mental health response in the way I had to these things and stroke. That’s not an excuse - but it is a factor.

Of course the timing was poor. Christmas happened and so did our wedding anniversary. I didn’t reach out. I had lots of different advice and turned to ChatGPT who told me to be silent. I did, which was really difficult, and now I think that made things worse.

Of course by Christmas, 3 weeks in I had realised the mistake I’d made and calmed down. I’ve been reaching out to my wife since early January and of course she feels worthless, deeply hurt and tells me she needs time to heal and that we are done forever.

We speak daily, about the dog and logistics. We put the house up for sale in January as we had discussed that needs to go whatever happens and it sold within a few days. We are now faced with me buying a house, her wanting to rent and goodness knows where and our life becoming unrecognisable.

I’ve said sorry, I’ve tried to take accountability and I’m trying to become the best version of myself. I’m having therapy. My wife is doing the same.

My wife is very clear about boundaries in conversations. She wants to proceed with the sale and rent and heal and see if we ever come back to each other.

I am deeply sad and anxious. I understand how much hurt I’ve caused, but ending our life through WhatsApp and parting ways especially when I’ve had this medical episode feels so wrong.

We’ve always been the best of friends and I love her to bits. She’s so very stubborn and I can hear her saying - he did it, walked away, no second chances. It feels we could be giving up a lifetime of happiness.

I have no expectations other than slowing things down, taking the pressure off, both of us healing and not closing the door completely.

You walked away from her and expected her to accept it. Now she’s walking away from you, you’re refusing to accept it and trying to force the issue….

Just let her have some space, stop texting her every day about the dogs as that’s completely unnecessary and just leave her to process what YOU did.

I found your comment of ‘for me to see a friend without my wife was unusual’, is she jealous and controlling? that’s the impression I get, that it’s her way or no way, deciding if your mum
is allowed to visit.
Maybe being apart is healthier for you.

We’ve always been the best of friends and I love her to bits.

You haven’t treated her like your best friend, you’ve treated her appallingly.

She’s so very stubborn and I can hear her saying - he did it, walked away, no second chances.

She’s completely right in every word of that and she’s wise to protect herself from further hurt.

It feels we could be giving up a lifetime of happiness.

You’ve broken her fucking heart, blown up her life and trashed the future she thought she’d have. You’ve got a hell of a nerve saying that.

If you want a chance of saving this, give her space and go no contact for at least 30 days. Dog is her responsibility for the time being

She deserves better. Let her go

The nerve of you calling her stubborn after what you did.

Mum suffers from depression and being in the middle of my wife and mum who is very demanding is really difficult to manage.

There is no need to be in the middle and I suspect your wife has get fed up of being last in this relationship.

You walked out OP, you cannot blame her for saying it's over permanently.

You walked out OP and started divorce proceedings.

Not only did you walk away, you also filed for divorce. That was a nuclear move. Let her go.

You engaged in suspicious behaviour with another woman, but didn't like being accused of having an affair.

You had a row about spending Christmas with your 'hard work' mother, then left the house to stay with your mother for Christmas, filed for divorce, and ignored your wife throughout because AI told you to.

She spent weeks not knowing what was going on with her 'partner and best friend' who cut her dead and instigated legal proceedings against her when she was at her most vulnerable.

And now, despite writing about how deeply hurt your wife is and how you completely ruined her life, you honestly think that she's not prepared to countenance a future with you because...she's stubborn.

Absolutely fucking astounding.

'I didn’t tell my wife because for me to see a friend without her at all was unusual and I knew she’d think the worst which was absolutely not true.'

"My wife was not keen and ended up calling me a narcissist because I hadn’t been clear than mum was coming for coffee, then wasn’t, then was and I was told I was lying."

"Mum suffers from depression and being in the middle of my wife and mum who is very demanding is really difficult to manage. My wife isn’t easy sometimes which she’d be the first to say and does have strong views and opinions and very high standards which are hard to keep up with."

"We’ve always been the best of friends and I love her to bits. She’s so very stubborn and I can hear her saying - he did it, walked away, no second chances. It feels we could be giving up a lifetime of happiness."

OP these are four key points you made in your posting, honestly I wouldn't have been able to put up with this as long as you had. MN is full of misadrist posters, as you've seen in responding to you, yet I always view both sides. You're definitely a pleaser, but you finally had enough of catering to her personality and now you're regretting it because you think that it was 100% your fault. You couldn't stand the pressure of not being able to set boundaries with her, yet she kept them firmly in place for you. You should consider leaving on good terms for your own mental health. Otherwise you'll be expected to be beholden to her and her unwillingness to compromise. I've left relationships which were one-sided, and always learned you have people who are nefarious greedy takers. You couldn't handle pleasing her 24/7, but to go back you need to decide if you're willing to lose all boundaries for your own mental health. Don't gloss over the details as these others have, because you're both at fault for your insecurities and not working as a team.

I hope your wife can heal.

You created all of this.

If there was nothing going on with your “friend” then why not tell your wife what was going on? Why all the secrecy?

You went home to your mother when you should have stayed.

You filed for divorce.

I hope you wife can move on from this.

I’m a pretty staunch misandrist and even I kind of feel for the guy. Nobody seems normal or reasonable in this set up though.

I would stay far away from the ex wife, you are clearly not good for each other, and distance from the mother too as that situation sounds unhealthy. Get some therapy and move on.

Probably a bit more honesty about how flattered and intrigued you were when your old (girl?)friend reached out to you to moan about her marriage would be beneficial.

Old opposite-sex friends just never seem to reach out out of the blue for support and advice when they’ve had a terrible fall-out with a friend… or when they’re having trouble with their kids..: or when they’ve got a workplace grievance, do they? Only when they’re having husband trouble.

Which is exactly why people who are keen to maintain the integrity of their own marriage will politely decline to get mixed up in the troubles of a sudden voice from the past.

But you got straight in there, didn’t you? And now you’re trying to act indignant that your wife could see perfectly clearly that even if nothing actually happened with this other woman, you were out there testing the waters and so was your pal.

Your wife needs boundaries with you because you're selfish yet think you're the victim. Your OP is full of blame for her, and you've couched everything as being her fault.

It's her fault for not putting up with your "very demanding" mother - sounds like you expect your wife to cater to your mother, and when she asks you to put boundaries so that these interactions are not too unpleasant for your wife you feel like you're "in the middle". Newsflash: in a solid marriage, the spouses have each other's backs, including with their respective parents. She married you, not your mother: it's YOUR responsibility to make seeing your mother not too onerous.

Then you lied - by omission - about spending time with an old female friend. It's fucking suspicious behaviour, yet your narrative paints you as an innocent and your wife as a harpy.

Then you piss off, full of self pity and won't talk to your wife - and its the fault of ChatGPT telling you. Well, if you can't blame your wife, you can blame ChatGPT. Anything but take accountability for the brutality of your actions.

Oh and it wasn't your fault either because you had a little stroke and a "mental health response" to it. That's a nice little tactic to get sympathetic female readers on your side. Oh, and it means you're not to blame for anything you did.

Nothing is your fault, is it? You're not taking accountability at all for blowing up your wife's life so brutally. You've behaved immaturely, selfishly, and as though YOU are the victim. But really, you take no responsibility for any of it.

Lucky your wife is financially independent and well boundaried. Leave her alone, let her go live her best life without you.

You walked out on her, went silent and filed for divorce. How does she know you won't do that again? You have proved that when things get tough, you leave. Regardless of the cause, that is the situation. It is going to be hard/impossible for her to trust you again.

I would tell her that you love her and want to be with her and then give her time and space to decide what she wants to do.

The reality of a radically different life is looming and that has triggered a fear response of you desperately looking back with rose tinted glasses at a marriage where you didn’t feel safe or respected. Change is scary but that doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary.

Don’t you have friends? WFH, dominant parent and spouse, Chat GPT as relationship advisor, sounds like a very lonely existence. It’s not surprising you were drawn to the escapism and saviour role to a damsel in distress.

You blew up your marriage, the combustible material was built up by both you and your wife but you lit the match. Taking responsibility for that act of vandalism is more than just saying ‘I take responsibility’. Your dismissiveness of your wife not wanting to rekindle your marriage as her just being stubborn, speaks volumes. You have a lot of contempt for a woman you say is your best friend.

You have an opportunity to grow and to become your own person, that won’t happen if you fall back into a bad habit, which is what your marriage was in the end.

The obvious thing to do is go for couples counselling, if your wife is willing.
That would give you both a space to work through what has happened and plan a way forward, with a neutral third party to manage the process.

"Woe is me that naughty AI told me to not speak to my wife so I did. Not my fault"

You don’t get to detonate a marriage and then complain that the explosion was loud.

Leave her be. Let her heal and start a new life without you.

Your lack of accountability seeps from your post. Nothing was your fault. Your clumsy attempts at explaining just come across as childish blame.

When you sneak around with other women behind your wife’s back, it tends to be the kiss of death on a relationship. Whether it was ‘innocent’ or not, it’s the lying and concealment that kills the trust.

You’ve blown up your marriage by this, then you walked out and filed for divorce, and now you’re regretting it. You say you were sick of being accused of having an affair. Did you just want her to shut up about it, and by making a grand foolish gesture you believed she’d come running after you and say “Please don’t go, I promise I won’t mention the other woman that you’ve been meeting up with behind my back again”? But now it’s backfired. You’ve played silly games and you’ve won a silly prize.

If you really want to sort this out you need to start taking accountability for your actions. Without blaming your DW you need to spell it out honestly. Completely honestly. Even if that means admitting that you were flattered that the old flame reached out, or that you felt excited about meeting her.

Your DW’s life has been turned upside down. Only complete transparency and honesty can turn it back around. But if you keep blaming everyone and everything else, she will never feel the stability and safety that she needs. And even after all that, she still may not want to reconcile. We don’t know her feelings about all this. But frankly, it’s the only chance you have right now. “I have screwed up badly. That is on me. I will do everything I can to put things right”. That is your only chance.

Your wife is wise to insist on divorce. You sound deceitful

You went on two dres with someone you have an emotional history woth, walked out on your wife, refused to communicate woth her, filed for divorce and are now upset your wife doesn't want to be your wife anymore. And your wife referred to you as a narcissist. And this is all from YOUR POV. I imagine your wife’s POV would be very interesting.

This is the ‘find out’ part.

If you rely on Chat GPT and ignore your wife because of it, you need help.
You now want your wife back because you long for the familiar.
Leave her be.
Going at Christmas, missing your anniversary, there is no going back from that.
Are you worried you may need some care now?
She is not stubborn. Many wives on here would have taken you back out of desperation.
She has made her decision. Let her breathe.

"You’ve blown up your marriage by this, then you walked out and filed for divorce, and now you’re regretting it. You say you were sick of being accused of having an affair. Did you just want her to shut up about it, and by making a grand foolish gesture you believed she’d come running after you and say “Please don’t go, I promise I won’t mention the other woman that you’ve been meeting up with behind my back again”?"

Yes, this. I think he pulled a power play, he wanted to punish her for everything that he perceives is wrong in his life and that he blames her for. He wanted to hurt and scare her so badly that she would be begging for him to come back and so fearful and cowed that she would drop her boundaries and let him and his mother run amok.

He messed with the wrong woman.

This is why women should be financially independent: so they don't have to put up with such infantile cruel destructive selfish men.

you come across as glib, self absorbed and unaccountable
your wife will thrive without you
Taking relationship advice from ChatGPT - Jesus wept