I walked out 14 weeks ago.

[Jd19861986]

Hi all, I’m currently going through a difficult time and I’m hoping writing my story in here is going to be therapeutic!

I am a 40 year old man who loves his 39 year old wife dearly. We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 12.

We’ve had a wonderful marriage generally, we’ve travelled the world together, laughed, cried and everything in between. There’s been some tricky times, like everyone has and we’ve got through them.

A year ago we moved house. Into a house we shouldn’t have bought. It was at the top of our budget, needed extensive renovation and as I work from home most of it fell on me. The pressure kept building to do this and maintain our lifestyle. As we approached Christmas there were some challenges with my mum around her coming on Christmas Day and also a Saturday morning she wanted to pop in for coffee. My wife was not keen and ended up calling me a narcissist because I hadn’t been clear than mum was coming for coffee, then wasn’t, then was and I was told I was lying. There’s been arguments in Christmas Day previously. Mum suffers from depression and being in the middle of my wife and mum who is very demanding is really difficult to manage. My wife isn’t easy sometimes which she’d be the first to say and does have strong views and opinions and very high standards which are hard to keep up with.

We had also been on holiday. Whilst we were away we both had job interviews online and found out we hadn’t got them. That was really stressful.

My biggest regret was that a friend from my childhood reached out to me for some help - a chat- when her ex husband when bankrupt. We’d confided in each other when we were much younger and she wanted someone to talk through things who was far removed from the situation. I met her and went for a walk with her dog on 2 occasions. I did wrong. I didn’t tell my wife because for me to see a friend without her at all was unusual and I knew she’d think the worst which was absolutely not true.

To cut a long story short, the stress built up. I couldn’t take being accused of an affair, the house pressure, the work pressure and the mum pressure. I walked away, stayed at my mums house and went silent. In a panic about how much I was hurting I filed for divorce - from the point of view that I realised how much hurt I was causing and didn’t want to drag out further hurt. This is really unusual behaviour and I was physically unwell. It turns out I had a small stroke which is likely to have happened just as this was happening. Speaking to my doctor there is a huge link between a mental health response in the way I had to these things and stroke. That’s not an excuse - but it is a factor.

Of course the timing was poor. Christmas happened and so did our wedding anniversary. I didn’t reach out. I had lots of different advice and turned to ChatGPT who told me to be silent. I did, which was really difficult, and now I think that made things worse.

Of course by Christmas, 3 weeks in I had realised the mistake I’d made and calmed down. I’ve been reaching out to my wife since early January and of course she feels worthless, deeply hurt and tells me she needs time to heal and that we are done forever.

We speak daily, about the dog and logistics. We put the house up for sale in January as we had discussed that needs to go whatever happens and it sold within a few days. We are now faced with me buying a house, her wanting to rent and goodness knows where and our life becoming unrecognisable.

I’ve said sorry, I’ve tried to take accountability and I’m trying to become the best version of myself. I’m having therapy. My wife is doing the same.

My wife is very clear about boundaries in conversations. She wants to proceed with the sale and rent and heal and see if we ever come back to each other.

I am deeply sad and anxious. I understand how much hurt I’ve caused, but ending our life through WhatsApp and parting ways especially when I’ve had this medical episode feels so wrong.

We’ve always been the best of friends and I love her to bits. She’s so very stubborn and I can hear her saying - he did it, walked away, no second chances. It feels we could be giving up a lifetime of happiness.

I have no expectations other than slowing things down, taking the pressure off, both of us healing and not closing the door completely.

Does anyone else think this isn’t real?!

In my opinion once youve filed for divorce there is no going back from that. Its the end.
My ex husband filed for fivorce and then kept wanting to come back but for me his act of filing for divorce meant he'd broken something that was sacred to me. Our marriage was not something to be messed with.
I think you should just let it go now. You are not a keeper. I had a similar house and renovated the whole place on my own without his help while I was working outside the home full time. I dont k ow why you bought a house like that if you werent prepared to do the renovations. So much stupidity.

"I dont k ow why you bought a house like that if you werent prepared to do the renovations."

It was of course his WIFE's fault.

She is to blame for everything.

Sadly, no. You'd think someone couldn't be this selfish, immature, self-pitying, lacking self-awareness, and blaming but it's all too common, especially in men. They're socialised to feel entitled to a woman's unconditional devotion and mental, emotional, and physical labour, and to blame her for his own actions and every single thing that goes wrong in his life.

Well, @Jd19861986 - while we are all human and make poor choices, we are also adults, mature, grown-ass adults (based on your username, you are literally the same age as me), whose actions have consequences, and we need to live with them. Well-balanced, mature adults don't file for divorce in the heat of an argument. First of all, you are a great example of that, you say you regret it. Additionally, it is a decision you need to think through with a clear head, plan ahead, think about scenarios, heck, research, even. You skipped all of that. Big mistake, but as an adult man, you took that step. The fact that your soon-to-be-ex-wife is making no attempts to reverse it just makes it even more solid: She clearly does not mind the divorce enough, so you will just have to take it on the chin.
I get it when life throws multiple curveballs at the same time, it does happen, but our actions speak the loudest. I know you were after some sympathy, but you presented everything in a very one-sided manner, like you are just a passive receiver of all the things happening to you. I don't know man, when I meet a friend who is a woman, I don't have to sneak around behind my wife.

Don't know what to tell you - My suggestion is take ownership of your actions, and finish the game you started. If things were great otherwise - and loving your wife dearly is not enough, contrary to what a lot of people think - your wife wouldn't be happy with the divorce. And as such, you have to roll with it. You are not 12.

All of this 👏🏼. I'm astonished by the extent of the minimising in the OP. So much smoke and mirrors.

Leave her alone @Jd19861986 and get some therapy where you may be able to learn to start to take some responsibility.