I feel like I am going mad!

[Judysmum]

This is going to be a long one.. apologies in advance.

My husband has always had most of the control in our relationship, I always put it down to him wanting to look after me. Last year 2 of my closest friends wanted to have a chat with me because they were worried about the control. They told me they have always found it difficult to know how to bring up but more recently it seemed to be worse (to them), they picked up that I was saying no to spending time with them and when I was with them I had to give updates on where we were and make sure I was home before a specific time or he would come and get me. A lot more was said besides that but it would make this long post a book.

After that conversation my eyes were opened to a lot of his behaviours. I didn't have a bank account he didn't have oversight of, got monthly 'spending money', have a bedtime, complained at for going out to my hobby, my movements were being tracked through my phone. I didn't know how to raise this with him, he has a really good way of getting me to believe I am the one in the wrong.

So I decided to open a separate bank account in my name and get myself a credit card. I password protected my phone and was able to have some financial freedom. Then in October last year he found out about the credit card and even worse that I had been spending on it (and paying the repayments with my own money). I was also selling a lot of my clothes on vinted and not telling him. I know all this is poor behaviour but I didnt know how to challenge him. The resulting argument did get me to tell him how trapped and controlled I felt. He seemed to listen about everything and did make some small changes. E.g only sent 3 messages when I was out rather than 10 +.

At this time he also decided he wanted a career change, the training for which is over £100,000 so we need to tighten our belts. I do support him in this career change.

Anyway I thought we were getting back on track, less messages, less pressure around not going to my hobby and he was working on the emotionally manipulative side of things (like saying I loved hobby/friends/family more than him because I wasn't always at home with him).

Last week I found out he has accessed my full credit report and been tracking my movements again. He has also been recording the amount of time I am out of the house so he can challenge me about it. On top of that he has just got a job where he WFH. I WFH because my role is specialised and fully remote, I dont have the option of going into an office.

I feel so trapped and don't know what to do. I do love him and I don't think he does this to be malicious, he is just really insecure. We do have a good life outside of these issues. I have tried to raise my concerns about us both WFH and he just doesn't see it the same way I do. I feel like I am going insane and don't know what is genuinely a problem anymore or me just being unfair.

I think you know you're being SERIOUSLY abused financially, emotionally and socially. Coercive control - which is what he's doing - is a crime. You probably feel like you're going mad because of cognitive dissonance: your mind knows you're living with abuse, but you're trying really hard not to admit it.

Your friends are stars, really. More women should have friends like yours.

You're trying to change him. You can't. He'll make soothing noises and what appear to be concessions (while still abusing you) but, as you're finding out, he'll invent new ways to regain his dominance over all aspects of your life. This can only escalate, I'm sorry to say.

You love him? If you love being forced to do things your partner's way, having to answer to him for every little thing you do, being mistrusted every minute of every day - then, OK, you're weird but you seem made for each other.

If that is not what you love, the man you love is a figment of your imagination. He may be the man you wanted to believe he is, the man you hoped he'd be or the man you like to think he could be. He is not the man you're living with. That man is a scary abuser.

People like you have a gift for loving openly and wholeheartedly, for seeing the best in others. This is how you deserve to be loved.

Have a read of this page, and contact them for advice. Contact them from a friend's phone, as it's extremely likely your own devices and your home are bugged.
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I don’t think he is insecure at all. I think he is very comfortable with his actions. He is a very happy man right now.

First thing. Find yourself an offsite location to rent and work outside the house. Once you have done that, ask work for a complete new computer set up and after that you need a whole new suite of passwords.

Next, https://www.eufy.com/blogs/security-camera/how-to-detect-hidden-cameras. www.fortinet.com/resources/cyberglossary/how-to-detect-keylogger-on-phone#:~:text=Anti%2Drootkit%20malware%20software%20can,significant%20burden%20on%20your%20system.

Make an appointment with a lawyer to find out what he is doing is illegal and what you can do about it. Do not drive there yourself. Park somewhere else that you would normally and have one of your lovely friends collect you and drive you. Do not take your phone. In fact, do not take your handbag or your coat.

You are strong, intelligent and capable. And you have very good friends. Now is the time to use these strengths to benefit yourself.

You are not going mad.

You should end your marriage to this freak immediately. Whether you love him or not is irrelevant.

You're in a very controlling relationship OP and it's way more abusive than you realise. It's not 'wrong' in any way for you to open your own bank account, have a credit card and buy things yourself. You shouldn't have to give an account to your DH about any of it. There should be trust in a marriage where you are free to do these things. You've already said he knows how to make you feel you are in the wrong. That's a huge red flag right there, along with all the other red flags for tracking you, not allowing you to have your own bank account, monitoring how long you're out for, etc.

You do need to speak to someone about it, Women's Aid is a good suggestion by a PP.

You know you aren't going mad or being unfair; you know this is not remotely normal or acceptable behaviour on his part. And it IS malicious - it restricts your life and implies you're untrustworthy.

What kind of training costs £100K??

This is abuse.

I know this is horrible to hear, and you can try and justify it, make excuses etc, but you do have to hear this.

I was in a similar marriage and, when I was told by a relate counselor that it was abuse, I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.

You need to get a team around you - your friends, a therapist, a lawyer, and you need to find a way out of it.

It is a million times better on the other side, I promise.

Sounds horrendous.

You need to write down how you need him to behave, in order for your life to be tolerable with him. And if he doesn't agree to your requirements, you need to leave him.

Would you feel safe to do so? Is there any risk that he would physically harm you? If so, please proceed with great caution.

At this time he also decided he wanted a career change, the training for which is over £100,000 so we need to tighten our belts. I do support him in this career change.

come on OP £100,000 for training, he's out of his mind. Don't agree to that!

He's tightened his grip on you. No good will come from staying in this relationship.

Is this coming out of joint money ? Or just his savings ?
If it's joint then I wonder how much of a discussion there was about this and the impact this has on mortgage any other financial freedom

It’s not poor behaviour to have a
credit card he didn’t know about it it was a way to try and liberate yourself from financial abuse - he’s the one who is a abuser and and an awful person.

You are very lucky OP, you have friends that love you. It’s great you listened to them. Keep doing that.

what career needs 100k??? Airline pilot is the only thing I can think of!

having a bank account and using it isn’t doing anything wrong! You deserve a life

You are massively massively under reacting to this. Do you have dc's?

The fact that you felt you had to hide getting your own bank account and feel guilty about it should tell you everything. You are a fully functioning adult with a home and a job, why on earth should you be subservient to this man? Why the hell is he in charge of your decision making?

I hope to god you kick his nasty abusive arse to the kerb, but I fear you are going to just make excuses for him and continue to tolerate it. You have already labelled him as insecure, he isn't, he's a nasty abusive controlling arsehole.

You are massively massively under reacting to this. Do you have dc's?

The fact that you felt you had to hide getting your own bank account and feel guilty about it should tell you everything. You are a fully functioning adult with a home and a job, why on earth should you be subservient to this man? Why the hell is he in charge of your decision making?

I hope to god you kick his nasty abusive arse to the kerb, but I fear you are going to just make excuses for him and continue to tolerate it. You have already labelled him as insecure, he isn't, he's a nasty abusive controlling arsehole.

Op

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad treat your mum like this?. Did you meet this man when you were very young and or in a low place? .

Your now h targeted you and deliberately so to abuse you.

Please take on board properly what the other respondents are writing here. Denial is a powerful force and it’s not helping you at all. He’s not insecure: he’s abusive and he’s ramped up the power and control
throughout your entire relationship. Read the boiling frog analogy and Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

Feeling like you’re going mad / giving you spaghetti head is part of for the course in an abusive marriage. Your friends are indeed correct for being concerned about you because of him.

This abusive treatment of you is reserved solely for you. He does not treat his work colleagues like this and what sort of career training anyway costs 100k?. Surgeon?. Airline pilot?. Don’t fund that!.

You need to plan your exit from this marriage very carefully. Do enlist women’s aid and a solicitor to get you out. It is only when you are free will you perhaps only realise how abusive he was and remains. These types of men hate women too, ALL of them.

Abuse like this will also take you a long time, years even, to recover from and your recovery has not started yet.

Love is not just a verb, it’s actions. What your h is showing you is control and that’s not love at all. Another red flag amongst so many here was the fact he wanted to look after you. Controlling men often say that and what is really meant by this is to keep you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making.

Oh god your post made my skin crawl OP and I felt quite tearful for you. Please please please leave him. This is abuse.

OP, for your friends to be raising this with you must mean they are seriously worried. I fear that you are so stuck in this pattern of coercive control and abuse that you no longer see it clearly for what it is.

You say that he 'doesn't mean it maliciously' and 'he's just insecure' but these are just the excuses of a controlling man. Being controlling isn't love - if you love someone, you want them to be happy and have the freedom to live their lives. Messaging you when you're out, controlling what time you go to bed, keeping you under his financial control - none of this is about love.

What would happen if you ignored his messages and stayed out late? Or if you refused to go to bed when he tells you to? Or if you decided to have a weekend away with friends? I think if you were to seriously stand up to him, you'd see a very different side of him and even be afraid of what he might do?

It's easy to say you need to leave but first I think you need to understand more about coercive control in relationships and you can do that through reading and research. You can start here -
https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Sorry to say, but this career change is just another way to control you. Tightening your belt will look like no money for your hobby or going out with friends - more isolation and financial control.

you are lucky to have two brave and amazing friends - let them help you! This is no way to live. Plenty of women have loving and amazing relationships with their husband’s with none of the restrictions you describe. I’m one of them. Insecurity isn’t an excuse. An emotionally mature person, who truly respected and loved you, would recognise the insecurity as a ‘them’ problem and not let it impact you or your relationship.

oh OP this is awful.
As PP have said this is abuse on a massive scale. He’s manipulative and controlling. Can you leave and stay elsewhere? You need to get away from this man.
You have done nothing wrong by having your own money, seeing your friends, having hobbies and selling stuff on Vinted.
Also he’s lying - no job on earth requires you to invest £100k of your own money on training unless he’s planning to partially fund a trip to space! He’s using this to trick you and steal from you. He’s a weapons grade arsehole - please leave.

OP, if he fancies being a racing car driver or pilot then they are the only 2 things I can think of at that level - is he having you on! You shouldn’t just agree, that’s really serious money - the other thing I would question is could it be he’s been up to no good be it with other woman or money because the only reason I can think he’s quite so insecure is he’s aware of all the ways of ‘hiding things’ - unless there is some back story you haven’t disclosed- regardless of his reasoning I would be doing a bit of ‘digging’ on him just in case - and then get out of it

He's shrinking, shrinking, shrinking your world and freedom.

He's not insecure, that's his excuse to control you.

I’m sorry OP, listen to everyone here. I’ve been through the same, my ex of twenty years turned out to be a completely different person than I had originally thought he was. It takes years to see it. It’s hard just reading your post. The problem is the control becomes addictive for them and like any drug, it takes more and more control for them to get the same ‘hit’, so their behavior gets worse. And meanwhile we are the boiling frogs. He would have to actually seek out treatment for coercive control or domestic abuse and it’s unlikely to happen. He’s breaking the law now with his behavior (coercive control), you need to realize that. Reach out to friends and family or get personal therapy for support.

He is abusive. You have a bedtime? A BEDTIME? As a grown adult? You don’t have access to your own money? He tracks you and you’re feeling bad for having your own bank account. Selling clothes in Vinted and not telling him isn’t poor behaviour at all… my husband doesn’t give a shit what I sell or don’t sell.

Thats not insecurity - that’s psychopathic levels of control. You should make a plan and leave.

Ok. Some things to remember-

half of the money is yours. Do you want to pay £50k for him to change career?

will the change mean he isn’t earning initially? Because he could end up living off you, with you paying him maintenance. He could position himself as any DC’s main carer.

You are not choosing to support him in his choice. You have been trained to facilitate his life.

He is not insecure. He needs you to behave in a variety of ways that make him comfortable. At the moment, everything you do is organised around what he wants, expects. For a variety of reasons, you have accommodated it. That doesn’t mean it is your choice or that he isn’t controlling.

Please tell the friends what he has done. You need someone in RL to be aware.