This is going to be a long one.. apologies in advance.
My husband has always had most of the control in our relationship, I always put it down to him wanting to look after me. Last year 2 of my closest friends wanted to have a chat with me because they were worried about the control. They told me they have always found it difficult to know how to bring up but more recently it seemed to be worse (to them), they picked up that I was saying no to spending time with them and when I was with them I had to give updates on where we were and make sure I was home before a specific time or he would come and get me. A lot more was said besides that but it would make this long post a book.
After that conversation my eyes were opened to a lot of his behaviours. I didn't have a bank account he didn't have oversight of, got monthly 'spending money', have a bedtime, complained at for going out to my hobby, my movements were being tracked through my phone. I didn't know how to raise this with him, he has a really good way of getting me to believe I am the one in the wrong.
So I decided to open a separate bank account in my name and get myself a credit card. I password protected my phone and was able to have some financial freedom. Then in October last year he found out about the credit card and even worse that I had been spending on it (and paying the repayments with my own money). I was also selling a lot of my clothes on vinted and not telling him. I know all this is poor behaviour but I didnt know how to challenge him. The resulting argument did get me to tell him how trapped and controlled I felt. He seemed to listen about everything and did make some small changes. E.g only sent 3 messages when I was out rather than 10 +.
At this time he also decided he wanted a career change, the training for which is over £100,000 so we need to tighten our belts. I do support him in this career change.
Anyway I thought we were getting back on track, less messages, less pressure around not going to my hobby and he was working on the emotionally manipulative side of things (like saying I loved hobby/friends/family more than him because I wasn't always at home with him).
Last week I found out he has accessed my full credit report and been tracking my movements again. He has also been recording the amount of time I am out of the house so he can challenge me about it. On top of that he has just got a job where he WFH. I WFH because my role is specialised and fully remote, I dont have the option of going into an office.
I feel so trapped and don't know what to do. I do love him and I don't think he does this to be malicious, he is just really insecure. We do have a good life outside of these issues. I have tried to raise my concerns about us both WFH and he just doesn't see it the same way I do. I feel like I am going insane and don't know what is genuinely a problem anymore or me just being unfair.