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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any recovery from an emotional affair?

73 replies

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:02

Just discovered that my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. Of course, he followed the script… minimising the situation, not wanting me to see his phone, hiding her messages in a hidden folder etc etc.

From what I can see, they have not had sex. He says they haven’t and I do believe him on this (I knew when he was lying at the start of this discovery). But, he clearly fancies her. She is much younger, prettier and divorced. I’m not sure if the feeling is reciprocated - it does seems more flirting on her part. But a part of the conversation has been him discussing our sex life, calling it “chore sex” and the like. (For context we are in our 50s and have been together for 30 years).

For now, he has left. I’m devastated and am reeling. Turns out he has told several people that he is not happy in our marriage. We have been working on things, and I have been trying to make an effort.

He says that he loves me and he’s screwed up. But in the very long discussions we have had, he also told me he loved her, and when I said the only way to be with me was to cut all contact with her, he said he couldn’t do that. It was an impossible choice. When I mentioned it a second time, he was silent. At that point, I felt he had no fight for our marriage. I’m not sure I’ve seen much since.

Today, he said he would do anything to stay, including cutting contact with her.

Is it over for good? Until today, I loved him. Of course, after 30 years there’s not the same passion any more, but I do still love him and find him attractive. But is there any hope? Would the resentment just breed and lead to a messier divorce down the road? Should I cut my losses now? Or has anyone been able to make it work?

OP posts:

Namechangetheyarewatching · 23/02/2026 11:07

Could you honestly stay with a man who called you Chore sex...

It will eat you up

Leave

FrenchandSaunders · 23/02/2026 11:11

No going back from this OP, horrible man.

Olderandwiserpossibly · 23/02/2026 11:12

Today, he said he would do anything to stay, including cutting contact with her

His about turn must be because she has told him she is not interested in him.

How can you ever get over the Chore sex comment and the fact he told you he loved her? And all the other betrayal of loyalty to your marriage. You will never be able to trust him. How can you even like him after all that

Tinybiker · 23/02/2026 11:19

I feel for you. These men can be so shallow, any attention and they fall hook line and sinker. How close do they work together. Can they change teams departments etc. Otherwise you will be second guessing him everytime he goes to work 😪

Original poster

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:22

I know he has had no contact with her between the first and last conversation.

I should also clarify when he said “chore sex” that was referring to sex being a chore for me. He also referred to me giving an“unenthusiastic shag”. So the chore is on my side, not his.

I feared this would be everyone’s reaction.

OP posts:

Original poster

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:24

Yes TinyBaker, changing so they’re not working together is possible, even likely.

OP posts:

S0j0urn4r · 23/02/2026 11:26

part of the conversation has been him discussing our sex life, calling it “chore sex”

That would be it for me. It's a huge betrayal of trust and intimacy. What a cunt!

FrenchandSaunders · 23/02/2026 11:26

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:22

I know he has had no contact with her between the first and last conversation.

I should also clarify when he said “chore sex” that was referring to sex being a chore for me. He also referred to me giving an“unenthusiastic shag”. So the chore is on my side, not his.

I feared this would be everyone’s reaction.

That's not any better! That's him attempting to wriggle out of the hurtful cruel comments you've seen.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/02/2026 11:27

How old is she, you say much younger?

IsItTooPink · 23/02/2026 11:27

I often think emotions affairs can be more damaging than a drunken shag. It’s the amount of emotional energy he put into his relationship with her, when he should have been putting that into his relationship with you, especially if you were working on it, no wonder you are unenthusiastic about having sex with him. Hes also shown you his capacity for deceit, which you will always struggle to come to terms with.

the only way you have any chance of recovery is if he’s completely open and honest with you about everything that happened, I’d also recommend individual counselling for you both and then couples. It’ll be a long road to get you both back on track.

Original poster

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:30

I have thought about couples counselling. Has anyone here got any success stories of that? Or is it too far gone?

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2026 11:31

I totally get you OP, have been there, I didn’t in my case find out till 10 years after it had been going on as he had written it all down, crammed into a drawer , wrote songs and poems about it - if I had found out at the time I would have ended things- it was all incredibly hurtful to read your H writing mills and boon level slush about someone else and I’m pretty sure a lot of it was in his head . I do renn my ember he made some odd comments at that time like ‘it’s definitely possible to love more than one person ‘ didn’t think anything of it at the time - personally I would ask for a 3?month separation, say you need some space and then see how you feel

TheSlantedOwl · 23/02/2026 11:34

If she wanted him and was welcoming him with open arms, he’d be gone, OP. I’m sorry I don’t think there’s any going back from this.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 23/02/2026 11:34

I generally think what posters on here consider are emotional affairs are just them or their partner having a friend.

In your case, I can’t see why you would want to save the marriage. He’s told you he’s not happy, that he loves someone else, that he won’t choose between you, and he’s spoken about you dismissively to this woman. Why do you want him back?

lonelyplanetmum · 23/02/2026 11:35

I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through this after 30 years.

As a long time reader of threads on here, in the majority of cases the DH follows the script of denial, gaslighting, clichéd patterns and justifications designed to minimise or avoid responsibility etc.

I think you are in a significant minority that your DH says he will do anything to stay including cutting contact as that isn’t always the case.

From the threads I have read there are some where the couple work through it successfully with huge input from the DH, plus individual and couples counselling etc if you can obtain it. Of course the relationship going forwards will be different if it can survive.

From my own experience, my exH never admitted anything, let alone putting in the remedial heavy lifting required. In some ways I wish I’d cut my losses sooner.

However I think if a divorce is going to be messy it will be ( and most are). So I don’t think jumping sooner necessarily has advantages. In fact, in my case, there were financial benefits that it dragged on the way it did, as his business acquired a huge unexpected boost in that time.

I think that there probably is a psychological process you need to go through before you know what you want and that you can’t expedite that.

I’m so sorry, but you will come through this into a new chapter either with him or without. Whilst it feels devastating at the time, you come through it, in retrospect I think …well I’d rather have had that than a serious illness etc.

Do you have family / friends support?

Original poster

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:36

@FrenchandSaunders She is about 10 or so years younger than him, probably a bit more. Not quite 15, I’d say.

OP posts:

lonelyplanetmum · 23/02/2026 11:42

So you are in your 50s and she’s in her 40s? Do you have children and does she?

NewcastleNancy · 23/02/2026 11:46

He has betrayed you to a pretty, younger woman. Talking about your sex life and saying he loves her. I don't think you can ever unhear or forget those things. Why would you want to stay beyond fear of a change? He clearly hoped to have his cake and eat it too and now realises that a separation and divorce would be costly.

My ex and I weren't getting on and he had a emotional affair with a mum from school. Telling her all our business. Flirting with her in front of everyone. Having her at our house with her kids for play dates when I was working. Never saw many messages as he locked his phone down but I knew something was up and then he told me eldest daughter who told me. Could never get past it. Felt so humiliated. Couples counselling wouldn't have touched the sides.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2026 11:50

He said he loves her. I wouldn’t even be able to look at him. I’m so sorry OP.

Tablesandchairs23 · 23/02/2026 11:51

Im sorry this has happened to you. When my oh had affair I ended rhe relationship. You need time to think about what you want.

RealEagle · 23/02/2026 11:54

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2026 11:50

He said he loves her. I wouldn’t even be able to look at him. I’m so sorry OP.

I feel the same as you

lonelyplanetmum · 23/02/2026 11:59

Also what planet is he on- in what world does a sex life after 30 years resemble the youthful passion at the outset! He means you see sex as a duty I guess but that’s just part of his justification fabrication. After 30 years at least an element of routine is inevitable, obviously there’s different desire born of intimacy and connection rather than the initial excitement/ pursuit stage. If he does get to having sex with this woman, from the first time he does so, then the path to it becoming incrementally more routine starts.

moderate · 23/02/2026 12:23

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:22

I know he has had no contact with her between the first and last conversation.

I should also clarify when he said “chore sex” that was referring to sex being a chore for me. He also referred to me giving an“unenthusiastic shag”. So the chore is on my side, not his.

I feared this would be everyone’s reaction.

Do you agree with him that sex has been a chore on your side?

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2026 12:30

I would bet he wants to stay because he's been to a lawyer and found out he's going to lose a lot financially if you divorce but he's going to keep seeing her. He's flat out told you that's what's going to happen.

Chore sex. No coming back from that.

Do the hard thing and get those ducks in order and lawyer up.

OneShyQuail · 23/02/2026 12:42

maybeexwifemum · 23/02/2026 11:22

I know he has had no contact with her between the first and last conversation.

I should also clarify when he said “chore sex” that was referring to sex being a chore for me. He also referred to me giving an“unenthusiastic shag”. So the chore is on my side, not his.

I feared this would be everyone’s reaction.

Yuck 🤮
Makes my skin crawl. Can only guess what it does to you. How could you bare to look at him.again let alone take him back

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