I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and we have young children. I have never been that bothered about getting married and was clear on this in the first few years of our relationship but said I would be happy to. My partner said he was keen to get married in the future.
A couple of years ago I was fortunate enough to receive a large sum of money that took me over the inheritance tax threshold. I said to my partner that I’d like to have a civil partnership or get married so that if I were to die, my assets would go to him tax free and our children wouldn’t lose out on a large sum of money due to an inheritance tax bill (which will only get higher when pensions are brought into the estate next year). I gave him the figures and he agreed that this was sensible but said that he wanted to do it in summer rather than winter. I was clear that I’m not bothered about a ring or a large celebration - signing the papers in a registry office with our children and parents present and then a lunch out would suit me.
A couple of years have passed and we’re still not married or in a civil partnership. We have recently bought a house together, which we hope is our forever home. I own a significantly higher percentage of the house than him. We both have relatively well paying jobs. I have always earned more than him but he has a better pension. I have recently gone freelance and so my income is more unstable but I have the potential to earn a lot more than him if things go well.
We have had a stressful couple of years for various reasons and we argue quite regularly. My partner is a great dad, he’s kind and patient, does lots around the house and tries his best to give me some time to myself. However, I still feel like I hold the majority of the mental load, project manage our household and am the driving force behind most of the changes and organisation in our family and relationship, which frustrates me. I feel like I’m a nag and I hate that. I am type A and my partner is much more laid back. He says that he feels like my standards and expectations are too high and that I can be rude to him when I’m stressed. We have done some relationship counselling to try and overcome this, all organised by me. When I stopped organising, he didn’t mention doing any more sessions.
I worry about the consequences of not being married or in a civil partnership every day and I’ve told my partner this. I really don’t want to organise the registry office because I feel like I organise everything and I’m now the one pushing to have a legal partnership. I essentially don’t want to coerce someone into getting married, I want him to really want to do it. The emotional part of me gets jealous of other couples’ romantic proposals but my head tells me that him sending me an email booking confirmation from the registry office would be good enough. When I ask my partner why he hasn’t sorted it yet, he says that we argue too much currently so it’s not the right time or he hasn’t got round to it yet but it’ll happen sometime. I agree that ideally we’d argue less but we’re not always arguing and I also feel like having multiple children and a house together is just as much of a commitment as having a legal partnership and we should do it asap for tax reasons. He says that we shouldn’t get married just for tax reasons and that I’m not going to die anytime soon. I know that I’m unlikely to die soon but anyone can die anytime and so I think it’s better to be prepared before it’s too late. I just can’t understand how my partner isn’t worried about the financial consequences for our children if it were to happen before we’re in a legal partnership.
I can’t see any financial downsides for my partner to marry me because I have more assets and earn more. When we discuss it, I often tell my partner that him not legally committing makes me feel like he doesn’t love me enough and I’m insecure that childbirth has made him not fancy me anymore. I’ve also said when upset that a small part of me sometimes worries that he has used me to get the children and house he always wanted (although I don’t honestly believe he’s the kind of person who’d do this). His response is always that I’m ridiculous or spiralling and that he does love me and wants to marry me someday.
Before children, we both did far more romantic gestures for each other and it’s not something I ever worried about. When I ask him to be more romantic now, he says he’ll try but he’s emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel the same but he somehow manages to muster the energy to play sport on some evenings after the children are in bed, which I’m way too tired to do (despite really missing all the exercise I used to do pre-children). I am really happy for him to play sport and have time away from the family but I wish he’d also put a bit more time into making me feel like he loves me. I feel like I put all of my small amount of energy (after looking after our children and work) into life admin and managing our household which involves reminding him to allocate quality time with me and trying to organise things for us to do together.
I’m now not really sure where this leaves us. There’s only so many times I can mention that I want to get married or have a civil partnership and whenever we have the conversation, I get upset. I’ve also tried just not mentioning it for a while but nothing changes and I still think about it all the time. l can’t help but feel like my partner just doesn’t want to commit to me but when I tell him this, he says he’s already committed and I’m being ridiculous. What should I do?