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Original poster

Progression in relationship

37 replies

Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 18:55

I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years we both late fifties and everything great has taken a few years to get this way but we have worked through lots of issues , we live 2 hours from each other so only see at weekends and usually it’s me who drives to him as then I can stay till the Monday so gives us longer , I recently spoke to him about Mabe thinking about living together as I miss him during week and feel a natural progression , I felt a real disappointment when he told me he doesn’t want to live with me , he loves me but because he has been married 3 times would prefer not to , I’m so sad has anyone else had this and advice on dealing with this

OP posts:
Tel12 · 22/02/2026 19:06

If you didn't travel to see him how often would he make the effort to see you? I'd back off in your shoes and see. It seems to me that you're possibly a bit more invested in this relationship than your partner.

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:08

He would still come over and does come over but I tend to go there more as we get a whole extra day that way , he works on a Sunday morning so then we have the afternoon and evening , the issue is I feel the future I thought was there is not

OP posts:
Chisbots · 22/02/2026 19:12

Sounds hard work.

Do you really need this amount of grief? Honestly, if you want to live with someone, it's not going to be this bloke.

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:14

I just feel like I’m going crazy I mean most people after all this time would want this , he’s always telling me loves me which makes it worse

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 19:15

I’m similar age and I'm exactly the same as him. Hell will freeze over before I cohabit again.

One of the things I love about being older is having the good parts of dating and being a couple but also having my own spaces and time to live my own life outside of a being in a couple.

If you really want to live with him then he’s not the right man. Don’t hang in hoping he will change his mind

He would be my ideal - too many older men out there wanting a nurse with a purse. It seems more common for women to be the ones who don’t want to cohabit again in my experience.

ArcticSkua · 22/02/2026 19:16

Would he consider at least moving closer? The 2 hour drive would be a problem for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2026 19:17

OK so he doesn't want to cohabomit, but what about
living closer so you can spend more time together? Did you ever talk about what you wanted in the early years? At least he's being honest bout it, now you can decide what that means for you.

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 19:18

He's been honest in that he loves you bit doesn't want to live together and likes his own space. To be fair, if he's been married 3 times, isn't it possible that he's not actually very good at living with another person?

Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. I know people who've been together decades but keep their own houses. It can work very well.

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:19

I no my set up sounds ideal having own places and seeing each other weekends but the distance is so far , he can’t move near me as his whole business is where he lives and really has to be in the area , I suppose I’m just a bit upset that he doesn’t want it and mind thinking other things

OP posts:
MissAdvantage · 22/02/2026 19:30

You really fancy being wife number 4? Sooner you than me!

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:32

I’ve been divorced a long time made a lot of f ups in relationships and now I’ve found my man I feel complete just would like a home together in later chapter of life

OP posts:
SergeantWrinkles · 22/02/2026 19:32

I’ve been with my bf for 8 years and feel the same as him. I want my space and don’t want to live with anyone again. He’s not wrong, he’s just different.

ForTipsyFinch · 22/02/2026 19:36

For me, this would be my idea set up, I’m mid 30s. However since it’s not yours it does sound like you’re fundamentally non compatible. If I had been married 3 times I definitely wouldn’t go for a 4th time either tbh 😅 so I don’t think he’s UR for that however if that’s a deal breaker for you then I don’t see how you can really proceed

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 19:40

Neither of you are wrong, you just see things very differently. You don’t think a relationship is moving forward without living together, he’s absolutely happy with the way things are.

I would say don’t lose a good man over this but if it’s a deal breaker for you then that’s fair enough. But don’t hope that he’ll change his mind as it’s unlikely

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:48

I get what your saying , but I felt I had every right after nearly 5 years to bring this up , all around me I have friends that have moved on with there lives when they meet the one and I’m still in same place as 5 years ago

OP posts:
ArcticSkua · 22/02/2026 19:49

Can you move closer to him as he can't move?

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:54

Maybe me moving a possibility , also to mention it’s been a rough year ,had breast cancer and tend to look at things differently , just a lot of emotions

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 22/02/2026 20:05

You're incompatible.

You want to progress to a relationship where you live together and completely share your lives. Your BF is happy with a long distance relationship where he sees you occasionally and has zero interest in living with you.

I just feel like I’m going crazy I mean most people after all this time would want this

Well, there are plenty of people that actually don't want to live together but what's important here is he doesn't. Even if you moved near him, nothing would change.

If what you really want is someone living in your home sharing your life, this is not the guy for that. He's done it 3 times and he's sounds done with cohabitating.

toodleoothen · 22/02/2026 20:10

Just to give you a different perspective - I think it can be lovely to be together but living apart - and it might be where he is coming from. In my case, I was the one reluctant (after a long unhappy marriage and with a child still at home) to live together with my partner. It has no bearing whatsover on how much I care and love him. We get along incredibly well, and he and my child are best friends too. "living apart together" is just a different way of making a relationship work - you take the daily domestic tedium out of it, have your own space but have weekends and holidays together, and retain a little bit of the sparkle and magic too. However, if this is not for you, then this man is not for you, I guess.

Thecatandme · 22/02/2026 20:26

We’ve been together for 15 years (started about the same age as you are now) and have always lived apart

My OH was the one who said she didn’t want to get married or live with anyone again. That was fine with me - had been on my own for ten years and liked it

Difference is that we live near each other (in the same town). We actually don’t spend as much time together as you do but

there is flexibility in that we can decide to have a coffee, meet a friend, go and see a show etc at short notice

I agree with others that he isn’t going to change his view. Neither OH or I have

Dery · 22/02/2026 20:40

As PPs have said: do you really want to be wife no 4? You need to take firm note of the fact he’s got 3 failed marriages behind him. I understand the wish to be closer so you can spend more time together but i equally understand his wish not to cohabit full time. He knows he can’t make cohabitation/marriage work - he’s already tried it 3 times.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2026 10:13

Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:54

Maybe me moving a possibility , also to mention it’s been a rough year ,had breast cancer and tend to look at things differently , just a lot of emotions

Well what would be the plan of you lived together? Who'd move where? Do you both own or rent?

exhaustDAD · 23/02/2026 10:31

Whether anyone thinks if it's right or wrong that he doesn't want to live together with you doesn't really matter @Pussycat02 . The main thing is that you would like to, and he doesn't, which makes you guys not wanting the same things, so it's a big compromise to make it work - Let's face it, it will be you compromising. This means you are not really compatible, unfortunately. Love itself is not enough, if you are not heading the same direction, it is not viable. It's regardless of your age, but not going to lie, it just makes it even more apparent, as it's way less likely that he'd ever change his ways about it. It is up to you how you want to go about it, but if you just force yourself to accept it, there is a good chance it will just keep bothering you, frustrating you perpetually. I'd leave, because i don't see it changing.

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 23/02/2026 10:39

I would stay with him and then think about getting somewhere together we both own properties

OP posts:
IfThen · 23/02/2026 10:41

Pussycat02 · 22/02/2026 19:14

I just feel like I’m going crazy I mean most people after all this time would want this , he’s always telling me loves me which makes it worse

A lot of people in their fifties have absolutely no desire to live with anyone ever again, regardless of how they feel about the other person and how committed they are to them.

All you can do here is decide whether the status quo works for you or not. If not, end it and find someone who wants what you want.