Advice needed - mil

[SalmonOnburntcrisp]

The backstory is too long
My mil and i dont get on

She treats my dh like a second class citizen in favouris selfish childish brother. His childhood boils my blood she was ashit mother and I dont view her less harshly pody my own kids.
She expects "to be treated"
Dolls herself up all the time.
Cries a lot. Hysterical type stuff.
Wants things to be "nice" for her
Oblivous to other needs.
Dh and I agreed no unsupervised access ever. Its not safe.
Basically a 7 yo in a 60something body
I tolerate 4-6 visits a year

Dh has grown and spine but is a peacekeeper and im his safe safe so the only person he can express anger or frustration too.

She turned up with FIVE gifts for my dd3 and nothing for ds2.
I seethed and said nothing.
She then did something that she would describe as an accident but I watched and want to shout " watch that X" but bit my lip because I am the terminal meanie fun sponge. 5 seconds later dd3 was smashed square in the face hard with a heavy object and her nose had doubled in size.
Dh and mil just standing there like 😦 saying nothing 🫠🫠🫠

I got the cool pack and am terrified her nose was broken - it wasnt but it was SO fucking careless.

Dh and I are sock hacking coughs and tired so were quietly sniping about this and the gifts...

She tried to talk to me and it was all "ooooh I feel so awful"
I just said I'm maoing dinner i cant talk about this now.

Im hiding in dds bed and have to leave soon

I can't even think straight.
I dont want to look at her or speak to her I dont want her in my home.

My lungs hurt and im knackered

HELP ME - what do I do? What is my best option / least bad?

Tldr

mil is starting to favour my dd over my ds and no one wants to mention it

And shes just dangerous in general via lack of common sense and my dd got injured badly and it could have been even more serious. There have been other low levels but this is the worst

I cant look at the woman and im scared I will just blow which dh will HATE and mil will respond to by crying hysterically and nothing will change so I dont want to do that.

Next time be the meanie fun sponge about the dangerous activity.
Withhold the 5 gifts until she matches it for DS
Reduce frequency and duration of visits

The gifts ...

She is a sneaky bitch and produces them when I leave the room ALWAYS

Dh is always fumbling how did I know? Shes trying to be nice? Did she? Were you not there? 🥴

She is sat in my living room and I dont know what my next move is

No unsupervised access clearly isn’t enough is it?
Time to stand up to her on how she treats your children differently- she either packs that in or loses access altogether surely?
Why would any parent stand back and let their child be treated like shit?

MiL sounds awful.
But did you really see the danger coming towards your kid and say nothing?

Time to have a terrible migraine and go to bed, leave husband to get her out.

I have no clue what my dhs rationale is
He says things like ds is younger so doesnt notice.
She wasnt thinking...

I am made to feel like I am a loon because its a book bag and art supplies

It was very fast
She did something stupid very fast.

Its hard to explain but you are like this is sooo obvious its almost rude to say because only an idiot wouldnt do it.

I already feel like shit about it though

She’s spent his entire life conditioning your husband to accept favouritism as the norm though. He’s literally been brainwashed and to an extent it’s not his fault

In your position, I’d step up and tell her straight. OH clearly won’t and you already ‘don’t get on’ with her so you’ve got very little to lose

This is how I feel.
He has also done a huge amount of work to come out of the fog.

What do I say to her I cant hide much longer.

It feels nuclear. Eeeek.
I may say something though

In relation to things like the presents I would play ignorant and act like they were for both children to share eg opening them up for them to play together.

4-6 times a year sounds a lot! I wouldn't want her in my house. If she isn't close by can you arrange to go out for a low risk activity as a treat.

You are going to have to be the fun sponge where needed as your dh is stuck in the childhood patterns by the sound of things. Can you have a good chat with him about it when she's gone?

4-6 is the dialled down version

I dont even want to discuss the xmas she was invited for 3 days and stayed 9 coming empty handed while.inwas heavily pregnant

It also feels like advocating for your child OP

Id sit tight this time and TELL your husband what you will be doing if there is a repeat performance. Give him the option of telling her himself

Well not trying to be rude, but you were an absolute doormat for putting up with that!
Time to locate your backbone OP

I think this is where I am leaning.

Also now we break these weekends. I hate them and dread their arrival.

The kids are 3 and 2
Shes 4 hrs away so think after this i am going to say we switch to "meet halfway days" .

We dont go to hers and despite dressing like a doll her house is filled with mould and unsafe she's been having side convos with dd3 trying to lure her the granny's house in X.

Arghhhhhhhh she so manipulative

I'd want to go no contact with her. She's furthering her abuse into your family unit by favouring one child over the other and her other behaviours.

I think your dh should see her on his own if he's not willing/ready to end contact himself.

I was pure RAGING. I cannot tell you.
It resulted in the 2 night cap.

He is much better now and I am mindful she is still his mum.

He did have a stern word after the incident.

Sorry but bollocks to that! Being a mum is a privilege earned. She doesn’t get automatic rights to trample over your boundaries and behave like a complete manipulative bitch just because she birthed a child ffs!

She’s abusive and it’s only a matter of time before it starts to impact on your daughter. Especially when she notices that her parents don’t bother to back her up.

Maybe your overarching problem is that you are leaving HIM to deal with her batshit behaviour? Because she’s his mum I guess?

But as an abused child, he CANT break the habit of deference and excusing her

Can’t believe you ever have your children around her
Let alone 4-6x a year and multiple nights

I am actually starting to think this.

I went downstairs to talk to dh
It went horribly.
I am somehow the villan again.
Because hes tired and already talked to her.and he doesnt agree with some of my points.

Girls!!! Think fucking hard before you marry and a man with a shit family!!!!!

What points doesn’t he agree with?

I am somehow the villan again.
Because hes tired and already talked to her.andhe doesnt agree with some of my points.

It’s easier to deflect and argue with you than tackle her though. Even though it’s probably sub conscious he will avoid conflict with her in an effort to keep the peace