Advice needed - mil

[SalmonOnburntcrisp]

The backstory is too long
My mil and i dont get on

She treats my dh like a second class citizen in favouris selfish childish brother. His childhood boils my blood she was ashit mother and I dont view her less harshly pody my own kids.
She expects "to be treated"
Dolls herself up all the time.
Cries a lot. Hysterical type stuff.
Wants things to be "nice" for her
Oblivous to other needs.
Dh and I agreed no unsupervised access ever. Its not safe.
Basically a 7 yo in a 60something body
I tolerate 4-6 visits a year

Dh has grown and spine but is a peacekeeper and im his safe safe so the only person he can express anger or frustration too.

She turned up with FIVE gifts for my dd3 and nothing for ds2.
I seethed and said nothing.
She then did something that she would describe as an accident but I watched and want to shout " watch that X" but bit my lip because I am the terminal meanie fun sponge. 5 seconds later dd3 was smashed square in the face hard with a heavy object and her nose had doubled in size.
Dh and mil just standing there like 😦 saying nothing 🫠🫠🫠

I got the cool pack and am terrified her nose was broken - it wasnt but it was SO fucking careless.

Dh and I are sock hacking coughs and tired so were quietly sniping about this and the gifts...

She tried to talk to me and it was all "ooooh I feel so awful"
I just said I'm maoing dinner i cant talk about this now.

Im hiding in dds bed and have to leave soon

I can't even think straight.
I dont want to look at her or speak to her I dont want her in my home.

My lungs hurt and im knackered

HELP ME - what do I do? What is my best option / least bad?

He thinks she isnt showing favoritism with the gifts.

She loves drama triangles. She loves divide and conquer.
As context....
BiL has had flights paid for up until 28 and flown business since 22 yrs old using her Airlines, dh has never seen one airline and had to pay for his own flights from 18.
Bil also has a "secret"savings account that gets a regular monthly payment from mil, in 2022 there was over 15k. The bank statement were left out in her kitchen.
Fil died oldest son dh got a broken watch worth £400 working. Bil got the 7k watch no discussion...

Shes also trying to lure out dd lobbying to go to her house with promises of toys - dd told me at bed time.
Apparently I've "miscontrued" it and he'd didnt here it first hand so it could be anything !and sounds like she just. being. nice. Awwwww.

Except....
Her house has mould. Terrible mould. It makes my dh ill and I had to use his inhaler when i went and am not asthmatic. last time we visited in 2019 he took a painting of his back to London the entire back was covered in black mould she calmly wiped in down and slthen the filthy wall and said nothing (internally I was screaming you need bleach and an open window!!!!)
She also has 1000 precarious ornaments.

We dont go for a reason.
We all know we dont visit her. She knows. We know. It is known. Its totally unspoken but known!
so instead of being an adult and talking to us shes going via a 3 yr which is all kinds of fucked up imo

You despise her on every single level
these get together can’t remotely be enjoyable for anyone, least of all your poor kids

She needs to be banned from your house and she isn’t safe around your DC. Tell DH he can visit her mouldy house if he wants.

Beyond treating my dh like shit...

Off the top of my head....

Would you like someone who when your child was in NICU for a month
Didn't bother to message or call you to ask how you were.
But did find time to monopolise your husband for over an hour long phone call every single day?

Would you think someone who couldn't be fucked to travel 4 hrs to see her GC who might have died was a lovely lady.... ?

Thats before I get into to the truly bad stuff shes done

If your OH want a relationship with her, then that’s up to him. And frankly you need to let the sibling thing between OH and his brother go.
But if you don’t want to host her, stop inviting her. Hell stop seeing her at all if you want - you owe her nothing! And ffs woman speak up for yourself and your children from now on

We all know we dont visit her. Its unspoken but known! Instead of being an adult and talking to us shes going via a 3 yr which is fucked up

Which will only get worse as they get older. At 3, you have control. At 13, you're going to struggle. Even before.

You've got to think long-term and big picture, OP.

If your dh isn't able to disengage from his mum, if he's not able to advocate for and protect your kids - it's down to you.

This is what I am realising

‘DH I love you and it breaks my heart that your mum didn't and doesn’t treat you as an equal to your DB. I can see the scars it has left and how you still feel unable to properly relate to her as an adult should. However, if you’re honest with yourself you must see that she has now started to treat DS in the same way she has treated you. I simply will not allow this to continue, it’s wrong and damaging and am giving you advance warning that I will confront it every time I see it from now on. I won’t allow DS to think that we won’t stick up for him when he is being disadvantaged and sidelined. I understand that it’s easier for you to deny what you see and blame me rather than address the issue with your mum but I am on your side and want us to deal with this as a team. Please work with me and stick up for our family.’

’MIL, you have bought five presents for DD and nothing for DS. That is unacceptable. We would rather you bought nothing for either of them than treated them unequally. Please never do that again. Also, to be really clear, we will not be staying at your house because it isn’t in a healthy state what with the mould and everything. If you continue to go behind my back and try to manipulate DD into coming to stay I will have no choice but to spell out to her that Granny’s house is damp and smelly and we can’t stay there because it’s not safe. If you continue to treat her as a favourite I will explain to both children what you’re doing and why it’s wrong. I will not be complicit in your damaging behaviour towards my children.’

Bizarre you’d ever take your children 4 hours to subject them to a granny who sounds awful and whom you sound almost murderous about!

Clearly there also marriage issues between you and your partner too.

All a bit of a mess.

@Asnuggle I refuse to travel to her she comes to us.

in case anyone cares my lame update is....

I got no sleep and felt even sicker sunday.

I told her we dont need to talk as I know dh spoke to her and he and I are on the same page.

I then told her to arrange visits directly with me going forward which she agreed to.
i think practically this will improve things for me.

I was magnanimous and polite and sent her on her way after cooking her lunch.

I tried to be on DHs team and "go high" and its left me feeling depressed and flat.
It has resurfaced a lot of "wrongs" that happened which were never dealt with. dh wants me to get over it but I just feel so sad about it all.
He is frustrated.
I tried to explain yesterday that I feel he minimises things sometimes and he shut me down immediately and told me he never minimises anything.

I don't have much hope for your marriage if he can't or won't choose you & the children and remains in the abuse cycle with his mum.

That's uplifting to read... thanks

Sorry.

I think he needs to go to counselling and figure out how to improve his boundaries with her and ways of dealing with the trauma of his upbringing.

And how to let go of the Fear Obligation and Guilt he has with her, so that he can put the children ahead of placating her / maintaining the relationship.

It's not on for him to shut you down when what you're talking about is protecting your children.

He absolutely minimises the impact his mother has on you and his children. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; his sibling is the favoured golden child (itself a role not without price) and the scapegoat. He is the scapegoat for his family of origin's inherent ills and as a result you as his wife and his children are also scapegoated. The harm being done to you all now by her is happening right in front of his and your very eyes.

He cannot or equally will not deal with his mother. He would rather see you and his mother get on so that he does not have to do anything so of course he wants you to get over it. He remains very fearful of her even now but his inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. He would rather you be upset than she because he does think the sky will fall in on him if she gets "upset".

He absolutely needs therapy to unpick this and it is going to be very painful for him to do.

You have to be the so called bad guy here and protect your children as well as yourself from her malign influences. This is also because he will not. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself and indeed you are seeing the scapegoat and golden child dynamic being played out re her presents. Never have his mother in your home again.

I'm going to give it a week and then talk to him seriously.
It has really effected my mood this week.

I've realised today I play a role in this too in the sense that when she comes and ANOTHER thing happens...
it reopens all the previous unadressed events and I am hurt by my DHs behaviour all over again. It feels very real and present.
So i am not just reacting to what's infront of me but a decade of "injustices" and i get very emotional.

I realised today i need to somehow get closure on those past events, where candidly he didnt show up how i needed him to and didnt support me as he should. Somehow between he and I that needs to happen and we need to find a way to move forward.

He honestly is never going NC, I know him it just wont happen but I do want to talk about how we scale back contact for me and the kids. He can do what he likes.

Do not give it a week, you need to talk to him far sooner than that. I would say no more than a day or two. Be clear in your mind when you talk to him about what you want to achieve from this conversation. This has to be addressed and as soon as.

Tell him that he can see his mother if he wants to do so but that does not mean that you or the kids will follow suit. History is indeed repeating itself because his mother is already favouring one of your kids over the other just as his sibling is favoured over him. I would also suggest he goes back into therapy and reads Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. He needs to go back into therapy re his mother; that is a non negotiable.

The strength of your hatred towards her and the impact it is having on you and your marriage strikes me as extreme and quite honestly… concerning.

Let you partner take the children for this irregular trips and meet half way. You stay at home and decompress.

Yes

the entire situation seems so very dramatic for a relation who lives 4 hours away and they see 4-6x a year.

When the solution is so blindingly obvious… he takes the children less than a handful of times a year , they meet half way, and @SalmonOnburntcrisp stays home and does some mindful breathing exercises

The problem here is your H. A marriage cannot stand if you don't have each other's back and defend each other against outsiders.

In your case, your H prioritises his mother's feelings and HIS OWN feelings over yours. Your anger reflects that sense of betrayal. But you don't want to face that, because it means you have to look clearly at your marriage, and realise that it's not good. And that's scary.

It's not MIL who is the problem, it's your H.

You clearly despise her .
Without actually knowing the situation personally I don't know if thats justified or not
I honestly think YOU should go no contact with her op and continue to make a family life with your husband and children.
Your husband should decide for himself what relationship he has with his mother and he should be able to facilitate a d have a opinion on his children having one too ,,think it's really unfair and controlling for you to state you and the children will be reducing contact ,they are his children also .

I don't agree that it's unfair and controlling to limit contact between your children and a grandparent who is emotionally unsafe. To the contrary, it's the responsible thing to do as a parent.

MIL here has demonstrated an obscene amount of favouritism towards her other son, and now she's doing the same to OP's kids. Favouritism - including by GPs - is absolutely poisonous. It affects both the golden child and scapegoat in deeply pernicious ways that will resonate throughout their life. It also means that the children who are pitted against each other will grow up seeing each other as compeitors, which deprives them of having a close sibling bond in adulthood.

Any parent who perpetrates favouritism is a really bad parent. And a parent who lets his mother favour one of his children over another because he's scared of her and/or is craving her approval is also not a good parent.

OP's H is clearly damaged by his mother. He is prioritising his mother (and the wounded child he still is) over OP AND his children. OP is the only one at this point who can protect their children, and she is right to limit contact between her children and MIL.

OP's H needs lots of therapy, because his childhood wound - inflicted and kept open by his mother - has not healed. He can't be a good dad until he does that work on himself.

Sounds nuclear but abuse or not I’d have the ick. Your problem is your husband who is happy to sacrifice his kids to appease his mum. Disgusting in my opinion.