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Original poster

Have I made a mistake?!

42 replies

Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 00:37

I left my husband of 5 years (together for 11) in November and moved out with our 1 and 3 year old children. So many things lead to our split, but it was my decision. He was unsupportive, lacked the loyalty I’d expect from a husband, I’d felt invisible for years, I wasn’t as important as work, and work always came first, even when I miscarriage our 2nd baby, he chose work. Without too much detail, it was a slow erosion of my love and feelings for him and it wasn’t the relationship I want for the rest of my life.
Fast forward 4 months, and I’m happy in a rental with my children. However, I keep getting pangs of regret, did I try enough, am I being selfish to the children. I keep thinking about the life we had, we had a lovely house, financial security, etc. and I do miss family life. But I don’t necessarily miss him. I’m not in love with him but I have feelings of comfort and care for him. And now I’m hugely conflicted about giving it another go, but knowing deep down that I’d probably not feel any different.
We are very amicable and try to do something as a family once a week, but every time we do, it reminds me why I left. He’s on his phone and I’m talking to a brick wall while looking after the kids alone. Resentment was a huge factor in why I left him and that feeling comes back when we are together.
Has any fallen back in love with someone who’s hurt them deeply? And is it possible to ever get back what we had and for me to see him as the man I feel in love with, and not the man who’s slowly broken me 😔

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 21/02/2026 00:48

No

Ryah76 · 21/02/2026 01:07

Nope

Meteorite87 · 21/02/2026 01:13

No.

FuckingShitShow · 21/02/2026 01:14

We would you want to settle for that? Her has to give you and the kids his full self, for what?!, a couple of hours on a weekend and he can't even do that....

Have a real think about what you think it is that you miss as to me it seems like exactly what you're getting which is a contradiction 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bobbie12345678 · 21/02/2026 01:43

Why are you doing things ‘as a family’? It sounds very stressful and probably too soon into the break up. It might be something you manage in a few years with a bit of distance from the immediate hurt.
if anything it is probably more confusing for the kids too. You aren’t a two parent happy family anymore. Things have changed. They need to start seeing their dad alone. He needs to step up and parent them at those times.

Catza · 21/02/2026 06:38

I read your post carefully and it clearly states that you miss "lovely house, financial security and family life", although, it's not clear what the family life was in this scenario. You don't say you miss him so why go back? Financial security is something you are capable of achieving yourself, "lovely house" may follow as a result of that. And you have a family life because your children are your family.
So where does he fit in?

Crumpet444 · 21/02/2026 06:46

You’re in the bargaining stage of grief, that’s all. Your brain is also trying to keep you safe by going back to what is familiar. The more you build your new life the more the feelings will fade. It’s early days.

category12 · 21/02/2026 06:59

We are very amicable and try to do something as a family once a week, but every time we do, it reminds me why I left. He’s on his phone and I’m talking to a brick wall while looking after the kids alone.

Surely that's your answer? You've split up and he STILL doesn't even try. You'd think he'd be trying to show you what you're missing .

Stop doing family outings with him, let him parent his own children on his own.

Why did you move out of the family home? i ferl like you've been poorly advised. Get on with a divorce and sort out the financial settlement.

Original poster
Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:12

Crumpet444 · 21/02/2026 06:46

You’re in the bargaining stage of grief, that’s all. Your brain is also trying to keep you safe by going back to what is familiar. The more you build your new life the more the feelings will fade. It’s early days.

Thank you, you’re so right and I hadn’t thought of that way. I know deep down it’s not what I want but I find myself missing my old life and everything we had built together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:16

Bobbie12345678 · 21/02/2026 01:43

Why are you doing things ‘as a family’? It sounds very stressful and probably too soon into the break up. It might be something you manage in a few years with a bit of distance from the immediate hurt.
if anything it is probably more confusing for the kids too. You aren’t a two parent happy family anymore. Things have changed. They need to start seeing their dad alone. He needs to step up and parent them at those times.

Edited

It was just something we agreed in the breakup. I think he thought it would be temporary and doing things together would bring us closer. He has the children two nights a week at the family home too, but he doesn’t have any day time time with them, only the time we spend together. But you make a very valid point about it being confusing for the children, especially as they get older x

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:20

category12 · 21/02/2026 06:59

We are very amicable and try to do something as a family once a week, but every time we do, it reminds me why I left. He’s on his phone and I’m talking to a brick wall while looking after the kids alone.

Surely that's your answer? You've split up and he STILL doesn't even try. You'd think he'd be trying to show you what you're missing .

Stop doing family outings with him, let him parent his own children on his own.

Why did you move out of the family home? i ferl like you've been poorly advised. Get on with a divorce and sort out the financial settlement.

Yeah I see the lack of effort too, he won’t change. He has done some small gestures which he didn’t do during our time together. But it’s not enough still.
I moved out because I can’t afford the mortgage payments on the house and renting (although still extortionate) is more affordable
for me.

OP posts:
Tigercrane · 21/02/2026 07:24

It doesn't sound like he is even trying to change himself and you see that.You probably feel the comfort from the family unit finanxes house part of the past.
It sounds like you made a good decision for yourself.
I think if you go back you will probably feel the same again about him and waste more of your prescious time.

Eviebeans · 21/02/2026 07:24

He is getting the best of both worlds as he gets to have contact with his children but you do the hands on stuff during the contact

does he say that he would like to give it another try? If he does say this what reason does he give

category12 · 21/02/2026 07:41

Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:20

Yeah I see the lack of effort too, he won’t change. He has done some small gestures which he didn’t do during our time together. But it’s not enough still.
I moved out because I can’t afford the mortgage payments on the house and renting (although still extortionate) is more affordable
for me.

Show quote history

Is he paying child support? Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Velvian · 21/02/2026 07:49

Are you a joint owner of the property @Confusedmummm ? If not, you should see a solicitor to register your interest in the property.

Original poster
Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:54

category12 · 21/02/2026 07:41

Is he paying child support? Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Show quote history

Yeah he gives me money every month to pay for the children’s childcare so I can go to work and that’s a big help, but I’m watching every penny. I spoke to a solicitor maybe 6 months ago but we haven’t started any divorce proceedings yet. We need a conversation about if he’s buying me out or if we are selling the house, but he lost his dad 2 week ago so now isn’t the right time. I think maybe the bereavement is part of the reason I’ve doing myself questioning my decision x

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:56

Velvian · 21/02/2026 07:49

Are you a joint owner of the property @Confusedmummm ? If not, you should see a solicitor to register your interest in the property.

Yes I am! We own it equally. We haven’t had any conversations about divorce or finances yet but it needs to happen soon as I can’t do this forever, renting isn’t financially sustainable for me x

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:59

Eviebeans · 21/02/2026 07:24

He is getting the best of both worlds as he gets to have contact with his children but you do the hands on stuff during the contact

does he say that he would like to give it another try? If he does say this what reason does he give

Yeah he does want to try again. He said I was being selfish for making the decision myself when there are 4 people in this family. And I feel guilt because this is his 2nd failed marriage and I know how much he hoped to raise our kids together after coparenting his older ones 😔

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 21/02/2026 08:00

To be honest it doesn’t seem like he’s even trying to get you back, for him this is a good arrangement. He gets the kids for a couple of nights a week, whilst they are mostly sleeping and gets to see them one weekend day a week where you basically do the childcare during the day out.

He needs to be solo parenting during his weekend day with the children. Stop doing days out together. For a start, it might actually make him realise where your resentment and unhappiness is coming from. Looking after a 3 and 1 year old is hard.

I think the fact you are no longer in love with him is your answer. Whilst yes it’s technically possible to fall back in love with someone there would need to be significant, sustained long term changes from them to facilitate this and it really doesn’t sound like they are willing to put in that work on themselves.

hewassoungrateful · 21/02/2026 08:00

If he was to take a long, hard look at himself, admit his failings and make significant, permanent changes, then maybe. But it does not sound like he’s doing that? Your description of “talking to a brick wall” sounds soul destroying. And he sounds like a selfish idiot. I’d move on.

Seaoftroubles · 21/02/2026 08:01

As you are married you will be entitled to half of the shared assets. You know in your heart that he won't change, even when you meet up with the children you admit he's low effort. See a solicitor and find out where you stand financially so you can work towards a lovely new home for you and your children.You left him for a reason after all and it was a brave move so don't doubt yourself now.

Eviebeans · 21/02/2026 08:05

Confusedmummm · 21/02/2026 07:59

Yeah he does want to try again. He said I was being selfish for making the decision myself when there are 4 people in this family. And I feel guilt because this is his 2nd failed marriage and I know how much he hoped to raise our kids together after coparenting his older ones 😔

Show quote history

So he still hasn’t learnt anything or changed his stance at all if he is blaming you and calling you selfish- does he reflect that back to himself at all and see that he has been selfish in the relationship?
Don’t go back if he has made only a small effort as that can change back to no effort very easily

category12 · 21/02/2026 08:08

And I feel guilt because this is his 2nd failed marriage

You've got that the wrong way round - why should you feel guilty? He's the common denominator in his two marriages.

He clearly didn't learn enough from his previous marriage break-up to make a good partner in this one.

And he still can't be arsed when you go out together as a family!

SparklyGlitterballs · 21/02/2026 08:08

No, you haven't made a mistake. Leaving, especially with young children, is a huge decision that you won't have taken lightly. Remember that.

I left my husband in 2021. Admittedly my DC were much older, but it was still a difficult decision. After a number of months we were talking and getting on much better and I too wondered if I'd made a mistake. He then became terminally ill and I moved back to be his carer as he had no-one else to do it. He was much nicer (because he needed me) but there was still that underlying feeling that things could change at any moment. He's since died and strangely I really miss him. I have to force myself to remember the horrible way he behaved (emotional and financial abuse mostly) throughout our 30+ year marriage. Our brains have a way of forgetting or minimising the worst stuff. Just keep remembering the worst times and why you left originally.

Eviebeans · 21/02/2026 08:08

I hate to bring this up but could he be due an inheritance? This could be colouring his decisions