Have I made a mistake?!

[Confusedmummm]

I left my husband of 5 years (together for 11) in November and moved out with our 1 and 3 year old children. So many things lead to our split, but it was my decision. He was unsupportive, lacked the loyalty I’d expect from a husband, I’d felt invisible for years, I wasn’t as important as work, and work always came first, even when I miscarriage our 2nd baby, he chose work. Without too much detail, it was a slow erosion of my love and feelings for him and it wasn’t the relationship I want for the rest of my life.
Fast forward 4 months, and I’m happy in a rental with my children. However, I keep getting pangs of regret, did I try enough, am I being selfish to the children. I keep thinking about the life we had, we had a lovely house, financial security, etc. and I do miss family life. But I don’t necessarily miss him. I’m not in love with him but I have feelings of comfort and care for him. And now I’m hugely conflicted about giving it another go, but knowing deep down that I’d probably not feel any different.
We are very amicable and try to do something as a family once a week, but every time we do, it reminds me why I left. He’s on his phone and I’m talking to a brick wall while looking after the kids alone. Resentment was a huge factor in why I left him and that feeling comes back when we are together.
Has any fallen back in love with someone who’s hurt them deeply? And is it possible to ever get back what we had and for me to see him as the man I feel in love with, and not the man who’s slowly broken me 😔

Why did his first marriage fail, was it for the same reasons?

Having two toddlers is hard and you are in the trenches. Normally I’d suggest working on the marriage and trying not to make rash decisions whilst at that stage, however if he’s not putting the work in, nothing is going to change.

Can I ask, if you took the children out the equation, is he someone you could see yourself having a future or even wanting to have a future with?

If you still had feelings for him and wanted it to work I’d suggest counselling together, but lay down the fact he’d need to make significant changes that he’d need to sustain over a significant period of time before considering reconciliation.

I really relate. I was with my ex DH for 20 years. He'd always had mental health issues which he refused to get ongoing help for, he was self centred, and was very emotionally abusive to me, especially towards the end.

But when we split up, I felt so confused for over a year, and kept wondering whether I should get back with him. Some days I would feel angry and couldn't believe how he'd treated me, other days I would feel so lonely and miss him and our family unit so so much! The thing was, he wasn't 100% bad. And sometimes when you aren't living with someone, you only see the good side of them, so you convince yourself that maybe they've changed and it would be different if you got back together again.

At one point I was literally in tears and on the verge of ringing him and telling him that I still loved him and wanted us to get back together. Luckily I rang my sister first to tell her my plan - she was horrified at the thought and stopped me! 🤣

My ex and I did do family days with the kids when we first split, but after a while I didn't think it was best for the dc or me, so I've cut them down. Now we still see each other at Christmas, the kids birthdays etc, but other than that it's just drop off etc.

So I think what you're feeling is very normal, and you are probably just missing the good bits. The feelings will pass - for me, it did take a while, but it's now been 2 years and it has got so much better. As PPs have suggested I would just cut down the contact as much as possible which will help!

Seeing as he’s putting no effort into playing happy families when you are together, how exactly is he showing that he wants to try again? Try what again? Sounds like he wants his housekeeper and child minder back.
Why are YOU feeling guilty the HE has two failed relationships? Do you not think that he is the common factor? I bet he’s told you it was all his ‘crazy wife’ that led to the previous split.

Get yourself to the solicitor, get a proper financial settlement and start getting on with your life without this pathetic millstone around your neck.

No
better for the children to be around a decent relationship or a happier parent than witness and be around something that’s not good.
Baby see baby do. Lots of love to you x

No. Please don't. This invariably leads to disaster and hurts 🤕 worse the second time around. You get all excited for a few weeks until everything returns to the old way. I could go on for days but please don't do this to yourself.

I mean, sounds like he's not arsed about getting back together either, or he'd be going out of his way to show you he's a changed man and a great dad when you are together...

OP as someone else said, I think it’s a natural instinct to want to cling to familiar situations, even if they’re not good.

I'd suggest giving yourself a deadline. Tell yourself it’s too soon to be thinking about going back, and that you’ll put that thought on hold, and revisit it in November, when you’ve been gone for a year. If your husband asks you if you’re coming back, tell him you need time to reflect.

I find it helps to give myself permission to contemplate an action, but not until a certain time.

Awh gosh I’m sorry to hear that, and awful for your children to lose their dad too.
But you so right, I feel like I’m forgetting the reasons I left and it was such a huge decision to get to that point that I knew I was 100% certain then, so need to stop the doubts now. Thank you for sharing your experience xx

I can tell you’re talking from experience. I could see how thing could very quickly slipping back to their old ways and I feel like I’d be over critical of everything he did because I’d have higher expectations second time. Thanks for your advice xx

I think I’m exactly were you’ve been. I keep questioning if it was really that bad, and I do miss certain things about him. But that might be also to do with the fact that raising two tiny people alone is hard, and do I miss the extra hands. Maybe I need to call my sister and she’ll give me the same reality check that yours did! Thank you xx

Thank you. You’re right, I’ve been so proud of myself for being brave enough to leave, and I need to remind myself that I can do it. Thank you xx

I’ve only had his side of the story about his first marriage but he claimed she was unreasonable.

I think that having the children actually flicked a switch in me to realise what I don’t need to tolerate his ways anymore. I’d been 2nd best to his business for 8 years before children and accepted it. But I wasn’t prepared to let my children experience the same thing.

We tried counselling together before we split and didn’t achieve anything. I wish I could see in to a crystal ball and see what life is like in 10 years in both scenarios xx

That’s a great idea. I’m putting pressure on myself to have all the answers now but I don’t. A year apart will hopefully give me clarity and a better perspective on what I want. Thank you for your advice xx

I’ve only had his side of the story about his first marriage but he claimed she was unreasonable

He probably says the same about you.

You did the hardest part leaving, finding another house and setting it up yourself ! No man
you will also find you’ll be doing/trying lots of things yourself in a few months when the dust has settled

ask yourself
when he’s been at your house say few hours (that’s if he does)
mare you glad when he’s gone and you have your house back to yourself or with the kids ??

it must be nice to not have to compromise even the tv Chanel ? Make all your own decisions?

You’re grieving for a relationship you deserved but never got.

No no no no don’t go back. Why is he in the house and not you?! Why is all the hassle on you. If you were in his shoes and being shite would you expect him to move out with little kids?! It’s no mean feat what you’ve done.