DH letting me know he’s working late / the weekend last minute

[Mention1]

I wish I didn’t feel so annoyed when DH lets me know around 6pm he’s going to be working the night too. I immediately get pee’d off and I don’t know why? He does it maybe a few times a month. Tonight he’s also let me know he’s working tomorrow , when he normally has weekends off. We have two small kids, a 4 year old and a 11 month old so it’s full on. I don’t let him know I’m annoyed but I wish I could just be OK with it within myself. I hate this feeling. He works outdoors, long hours. Anyone else go through this ?

Yes we had that a lot with kids those ages. It is annoying and a spanner in the works but not his fault unless he didn’t tell you as soon as he knew.

is it that he could give you more warning? He must know before now that he’s going to need to work so I would be irritated to be told so late!

It’s absolutely not on. He is being selfish and inconsiderate. What explanation does he give?

Sorry OP but if he works out doors is he working outside in the dark when he is working late at night?

I don't understand why you wouldn't be annoyed. I have a friend whose husband does this (private shifts he doesn't need to take but wants to). I think she should dump him.

Of course it's fine to be annoyed. It seems unlikely he didn't know earlier and it sounds like he is checking out.

I'm confused as to what he's doing in the evenings though if he works outside?

Glad I’m not going crazy feeling this way. Explanation was he’s really sorry, his phone has been in his van all day, admitted he knew about extra work earlier on but he’s been non stop to let know. They’ve got a lot of work on, they’re going there tonight to get it done. As for tomorrow same thing they’re just super busy. He’s in civil engineering and some jobs are out of hours and weekends. It just feels really inconsiderate letting me know so late.

Why can't you be honest with him?

It's not very considerate of him to tell you last minute like this - and it affects you and the dc.

I’ve been on mumsnet too long. My first thought was another woman (sorry!).

why don't you just tell him?

When he's home, just calmly say it's easier for you to know as early as he can tell you.

He can't be arsed with childcare over the weekend and would rather hang out at work and get paid. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

Ffs

It's OK to tell him, "actually I am mad with you, you should have told me as soon as you knew." If you just pretend not to mind, he's going to keep doing it.

It's treating any plans you might want to make or any chance of a break from the kids as unimportant and disposable.

I wouldn’t tolerate this. Why are you always default parent?

It is really really really inconsiderate to let you know late. Make it a rule he has to let you know right after he knows, no exceptions.
My husbands used to do this but I blew up at him that when he has to work extra then I have to work extra at home but I wasn't even getting the common decency of notice.
That backed up by a few days he had the children and expected me back by X time and instead I waltzed in much later drove it home.

Is he avoiding parenting at the weekend? Do you need the extra cash?

I am sorry to be saying this but I would check that he is actually going to work x

If you can't be honest with your husband then what have you got?

Does he dismiss the work you do in other ways too?

Are you treated like a service human? Who doesn't have a life, hopes, plans and wants other than serving him and the children?

You’re annoyed because he is completely abandoning you and acting as if he is a single man with no responsibilities, with no consideration for you or your feelings. What is he like otherwise? And it is concerning to me that you don’t feel able to simply have a conversation about this with him and express how you feel.

Depends if you need the money. What happens if he says no? Is this extra optional work or does he need to do extra to actually get his job done?

it’s not just me thats like this now then 😱

Well yes. Because I don't understand how he is working outside in the dark. It doesn't make sense.

Wow, some people's mind instantly goes to "yup, he's out there with another woman"? That's grim...
There are important factors with these things... Was it in his power to let you know more in advance? - When the answer is yes, it is not cool. But sometimes, when there was no way for him to know sooner, being annoyed at it is not justified. (you did add a comment above to say that he could have told you sooner. Yeah, that is not good. It's not unreasonable to be annoyed. It wouldn't take much effort to just drop a quick voice message, even when he's busy.

However, I would make sure to let him know how you feel about this last minute late jobs, and why these instances annoy you. Before anyone starts tearing me to shreds, yes, he should have the common sense to do that on his own, but clearly, he doesn't, so what can you do?. I mean, if you never tell him that it is frustrating you, he will surely not work on this, as he probably thinks it's ok. It's important to be clear that the problem is not him having to work, but there was no heads up.

You’ve all put exactly how I feel into words, better than I can ever explain it myself, thank you! I think that’s my problem, I haven’t been able to put into words how it’s made me feel. I felt so annoyed but couldn’t put my finger on why exactly. I do feel abandoned and that any plans I might have as unimportant. I feel very overwhelmed with constantly being the default parent so having him here the weekend gives me a bit of a break. I wouldn’t have thought it was an OW, he comes home head to toe covered in dirt like he’s been working and his clothes are soaked through. I’d be very shocked let’s just say as I’ve always trusted him. I have been on MN for years too so I’d hope I would see other signs of cheating etc. He called again before starting and apologised again, I didn’t know what to say back to him. I am going to write down what everyone has said and come up with something I can text him and just say we need to talk about this.

He called again before starting and apologised again

Well of course he did, but it's pretty pointless apologising when he isn't actually sorry. Even small children know that sorry doesn't always make a situation all better especially when you're apology is insincere.

I would be pointing out to him his actions of keeping you out of the loop, assuming you'll just pick up the slack and regularly agreeing to do extra work at short notice are not that of someone who is sorry.