DH letting me know he’s working late / the weekend last minute

[Mention1]

I wish I didn’t feel so annoyed when DH lets me know around 6pm he’s going to be working the night too. I immediately get pee’d off and I don’t know why? He does it maybe a few times a month. Tonight he’s also let me know he’s working tomorrow , when he normally has weekends off. We have two small kids, a 4 year old and a 11 month old so it’s full on. I don’t let him know I’m annoyed but I wish I could just be OK with it within myself. I hate this feeling. He works outdoors, long hours. Anyone else go through this ?

Oh op, its onto feel as you do, I did when my children were very young my h was self employed so took work were he could, working late into tge evening and weekends its just the job you don't get to clock off a 5pm,
I realised this, i had to become independent of him, made weekends fun for me and children, seen other family members and play dates with other mums, h was hard working, good man, great dad but his job kept him away, he would return at 7 pm and be asleep by 9 , that's how it went, but when he was off or jobs slowed down he was there totally hands on 💯 %

I understand its hard op, but for me it was pointless asking him or arguing with him and feeling worst and resentful as this was his job the only job he'd done from school and then setting up he's own business,

Yes of course i was tried i longed for ' me time' but I got to spend time with my two baking, colouring, bike rides to the beach, picnic in parks, play dates on Saturdays and Sunday lunch with in-laws, wouldn't swop for dark evenings waiting in the rain gor cement mixers to turn up, or waist deep in water due to a burst pipe,

Basically i knew when I married him he didn't have the normal 9/ 5 job,

I hope you find a solution op ,

Something I am going to text today, I feel really annoyed that you let me know so last minute about working the night and weekend. I feel like I am the default parent and that you just assume I can take on extra work in the evening / weekend. It feels very selfish and inconsiderate of you, it affects me and the children. You’re treating any plans you might want to make or any chance of me having a break from the kids as unimportant and disposable. You need to tell me next time as soon as you find out.

I really don’t know what else to put or what the solution is but I suppose knowing earlier would help, being told at 6/7pm isn’t great. He didn’t look in a good way this morning and he’s gone straight back again at 6am. Said he won’t be long and will make it up tomorrow. Today is a write off for us spending any time together as he’ll get back shattered and probably fall asleep so I’m taking the kids out for the day.

Does he get paid more for the extra hours?

I think your message is good. It makes the point well.

Do you work at the moment? Those mat leave days are LONG!!

What would happen if he said he couldn't do it, or he said he needed to ring you to agree how to make it work first?

It sounds knackering and no fun at all for either of you. If you want the best outcome for this, it may be better to try and deal with it when he's had a decent sleep - obviously you don't have to wait, but if he's worked all week plus all Friday evening plus all Saturday, he may be too tired to have the best chance of reacting well - and obviously you've also just had the kids on your own which will mean you're presumably going to be extra tired as well.

I think it hurtful and inconsiderate of him. Being at home is lonely and monotonous with young kids
The only things is (if he's the sole earner) In that case I think he is wanting to provide. He is just thinking of making life more financially stable?

How is he managing to work all day, through the night and the following day? There are regulations about working hours and rest periods for a reason. Mistakes are made through exhaustion.

So he told you at 6/7pm that he was working late and then left for work again at 6am? How long is he home for, how much sleep would he have got, I'm guessing only a few hours and how frequently is he spending days not seeing or parenting his children?

Do you have shared finances? Do you see any financial benefit from him working extra hours or does he keep the money for himself?

Make plans of your own for tomorrow. Tell him as you walk out the door that he's got the kids for the day and you'll see him later.

So if you’d had plans you’d have have shelved them? Is that correct? And if you’d were divorced same thing?

How many of his colleagues have the same set up? DH had something similar when I met him. And eventually he had to stop because it was too much for his health.
A few times he had to take the kids in the car with him and leave them there before we met. Definitely not ideal. The kids were safe - probably the biggest risk was him being over tired.

My DH used to just inform me that he’d taken extra shifts on, leaving me with 3 kids at the weekend when we had planned to do stuff. He said we needed the money, but then he ended up with an unexpected tax bill that needed paying back.

My ex dp could never say no to a staying late or doing overtime on a weekend. I know exactly how you feel, but the same as an above poster I started living without him, making plans with the kids and if he was available fine, if not then only he was missing out. We did have separate finances so him being at work was no gain to me, except I gained time and memories with the kids. It’s taken years of in essence single parenting, for me to realise he was using “our home” as purely a base to rest his head between shifts and for me to call it a day, kick him out for him to be forced to choose between work and seeing his kids as I no longer bend over backwards around his work. You and your feelings need to be of consideration, money is great but it doesn’t buy time. Years of building resentment doesn’t end well, try resolve it now before it gets to that point.

Hi @Mention1 , I think you formed a good message, concise, to the point, your feelings and thoughts are communicated well. I hope you don't mind if I suggest something, up to you if you want to consider it, of course. When you say 'it feels selfish and inconsiderate of you', while the point is there, I would maybe soften in, by acknowledging the importance of work itself. For example: "While I know you are working to support our family, not knowing that you would be tied up with work until the last minute comes off as inconsiderate, like it is not important to you to let me know of the plans". It feels less argumentative and more communicative. Again, nothing wrong with how you have it, but I would make sure it's not taken too harshly. Does that make sense? Nobody works because it's so much fun and it's a personal hobby, it is a must for everyone to survive and support their family, so it is good to acknowledge that. And before anyone attacks me for saying it - I think doing the work at home around the children are equally important, and it also supports the family.

When I married my DH we had been together for 13 years, he was a self employed bathroom installer, who worked really hard, long, stressful hours, often weekends, he played football which was good for him to do something outside work. Once we had DC, money was tight, so we had no option of me being at home with DC and him working as much as he could. We made sure we had weekends away with and without DC, as we were lucky my in-laws loved having the DC any time. The problem we had was my DH couldn’t turn down work as we never knew if he would hit a spell where he didn’t have any work. Yes, it was frustrating at times and we would argue and he would always say the same, should I get a 9 till 5 office job then. He was a great Dad and DH and would spend every minute not working with us.

Why are you texting him? Actually have a conversation face to face. You don’t want to get into a text argument back and force. Speak to your husband!

You can only change you and your reaction

Texts are good for clarifying the issue. They can then discuss the matter in person, and a resolution might be found more easily because the problem has been spelled out in black and white.

But it doesn't matter HOW you talk to someone if that person likes how things are and sees you as a non player character while he's the main character. You'll just get some lip service and nothing will change. Hopefully OP's H is not like this and will listen, because otherwise OP will be trapped carrying the entire burden of childcare and domestic duties, to the detriment of her own career and ambitions.

I would imagine she's texting him because he got in late and left at 6am and is at work again until who knows when so she can't actually have a conversation with him in person.

You are definitely not unreasonable to be mad.

If you want any hope of not becoming —marriage ending— mad about this, you will need to find a way to talk to him about it.

For me, the language is about being the default childcare. It is not unreasonable for him to take on extra shifts (extra family money?) and it is not unreasonable that some things happen last minute. What is totally unreasonable is that he can take on extra things and he can drop them on you short notice because you are the default parent who will always be there. He never needs to ask if he can work late, he just tells you. I bet if you wanted to work late or go out on Saturday you would have to organise childcare, eve if that meant asking him? There is no way on earth you could just stay late at work on a Friday and buzz your DH to tell him that’s happening at 6pm? Because you’ve already picked the kids up by then and YOU ARE THE DEFAULT childcare.

I didn’t crack this with my DH and I am so angry with the way I have shrunk myself and my opportunities over the last 15 years by being the default parent. It turns you into the person that always has to ask/organise which gives away all the influence and power in the decision (even if they always say yes, it is the having to ask that is disempowering). He just puts dates in the calendar and I work around them 😡 It is getting better for us now as he is starting to understand. Coincidentally this is happening as the kids are older and don’t need so much rigid childcare

This drove me insane, on maternity leave I would get a call from husband on a Friday cheerfully announcing that he was working all weekend. Weekend works take planning, no way did he only just know on Friday. Is your DH the same?

im afraid to report that this was the start of a man making plans without considering or consulting me, I would voice this quickly to your DH. Resentment kills marriages

My partner is a civil engineer and he is exactly the same. The difference is we don’t have kids, it would annoy me if we did! He is out of the house from 6 - 8. Weekends are rare but I know there are a lot of other people on the sites who do end up working through them unexpectedly. Do you talk to him much about work? I try to keep in the loop about his work so I know what I can expect from him. If he tells me he’s going to make it back at a certain time I always add a few hours on to it and lower my expectations.

It must be really tough for you when you have two young children together. Is there a chance of annual leave? Perhaps you could take some time together as a family? Phones off!

Hopefully you can talk to him about this problem over the weekend (when he’s home) and come to a compromise, but in future, anytime he texts you with “I’m working late tonight” or “I’m working this weekend”, reply with “who have you arranged to care for the children, and what time can I expect them to turn up?”

Make him realise that he should be ASKING you if you are available and prepared to look after his children so he can work.

Sometimes agree that you will and sometimes go out and leave him to arrange childcare.

Unless he has to actively think about who is going to care for his DC when he is not around, he won’t even consider it (as he isn’t doing now). Make it become something he has to consider.

He worked Friday day, Friday night and Saturday day/morning? So not home or sleeping for well over 24hrs?