Prime example of the mental load today

[AnnaBegins]

In our house, DH likes to do the laundry. He will tell anyone and everyone how he does all the laundry (he does about 70%). He has his own routines known only to him for when each load should be done.

However, he refuses to read laundry care labels. So I have a system where I separate all the household laundry into 4 separate baskets, from each family member's pile of dirty clothes: darks, lights, brights, and delicates. Yeh I could probably get away without brights, but DD wears a lot of red and yellow. Then he can just pick a basket to "do the laundry". I am the only one allowed to touch delicates, after several expensive mishaps.

We've been skiing for half term and had one bag designated for dirty clothes for the whole family. When we packed up, I reminded DH it wasn't sorted and I would sort it at home. One long drive later, he slings the whole thing in the washing machine whilst I was unpacking upstairs, plus a load of actually clean clothes from one of the cases. White t-shirts, black leggings and t-shirts, red socks, and wool ski socks, all on a hot wash. Luckily I managed to stop the cycle once I realised.

DH is now angry because this undermines his self image of "the laundry one". But I already had to buy new ski socks for the kids this year because he felted them last year. He doesn't do any of the clothes buying or packing for the children. And next year I will need a new holiday system (like 4 dirty laundry bags, or hiding the laundry, or pouncing on it the moment we are through the door) which again is mental load.

All of my friends say I am so lucky because their husbands don't do anything but DH can perform complicated multi step processes at work, but needs me to invisibly lighten his load at home.

Sounds like he needs a different job instead, he is not responsible or procient enough to be laundry nanager yet.
Maybe bathroom cleaning or cooking?

Weaponised incompetence

I dread to think how useless your friends husbands must be.

I had to remove all the laundry from the basket except his, because he kept trashing stuff. He’s still doing the laundry. But there’s only his own stuff in there 😬

I don’t think I’d call that mental load. I’d call it ‘man ruins clothes by carelessness’. I suppose the mental load is working out how to interrupt the process in future.

This should be in AIBU because no, YANBU.

It's all very well having a partner who pulls their weight domestically but if they aren't going to do things properly then it's a false economy.

I am fully with you on the laundry system. Mine is darks, brights, lights, whites and woollens/delicates. Everything on a 40 degree cotton wash except the whites, which is mostly sheets and towels so they go on 60 degrees. Delicates and/or woollens on the appropriate setting.

Sometimes I'll chuck the odd small white thing in with the lights, but only if I am sure it won't matter. Sometimes I'll chuck the odd bright thing in with the darks, but only if I don't have enough brights to make up a load and I don't want to wait for it.

I can get visibly twitchy watching other people load their poorly sorted laundry because they make a right pig's ear of it.

Ditto people who tumble dry everything and sling it all in together, regardless of the fabric or the weight/thickness. Towels and heavy tracksuit bottoms in with things like socks, bras, knickers or polyester gym wear. All those things dry really easily on an airer anyway and if they have a lot of polyester in them they will melt, scorch, shrink or come out all crispy and shrivelled in a hot dryer.

Oh, and i do a weekly wash for my dishcloths, mop pads, teatowels, oven gloves and cleaning cloths. Save them all up in a bucket until I have enough for a load. Usually 60 degrees but sometimes 90.

I think there must be a book somewhere that tells men to do the laundry in order to tick the box of pulling weight in the home, or win brownie points or something. Mine does LOADS of washing. He is absolutely obsessed with it and of course I don't do it right, I overload the machine etc. He washes his own clothes on a separate load, too. And he washing EVERYTHING, even when it's not really dirty eg he does ALL the school uniform and PE kits etc every weekend even if it's not been worn / is still clean. I can't be bothered to get involved because it will just cause an argument. So I feel your pain!

We only have 2 load types in this house - lights and darks. That's it. Delicates go in a mesh bag, then in with the appropriate colour. Everything goes in at 40, never found higher temperatures are necessary.

DH never has a problem with the washing. Except occasionally mixing up my pants/socks and teen DDs when he puts the dry clothes away now we wear (nearly) the same size.

Perhaps you should have let him destroy it all then you could have said "omg thought you were normally so good at the laundry.. did you just do it all together.. thought you knew all this better than us.. you'll have to buy it all again, give me your card and I'll order replacements" lol

I throw everything in. I don’t wear whites, though. Sometimes I shrink something but it’s usually ok.

DP is irritated by my laundry practice so does his own. My gripe with him is his basket is always overflowing because it’s waiting for enough of one type of wash. And it stinks out the bathroom.

This. He only does the laundry yet he’s better than your friend’s husbands? Are you/ they married to a farmer? As they are generally the type of men to do FA around the home and shout about any small thing they may do (speaking from bitter experience!)

DH today was cross because I asked him
to look out DD’s football kit and he picked out an old one.

he asked - how am I supposed to know which is the right kit?

I replied - how am I supposed to know.

I will give him some credit for looking embarrassed at that point.

This

Dh gets really precious if any of his clothes get damaged in the wash but seemingly gets bamboozled by having to work out what to separate and which settings to use.

However, he does 95% of the washing up and has a System for stacking the dishwasher (and actually rearranges it all if I load it).

So I guess each person has their specialty.

Your dh needs to take on a different task and relinquish laundry. He's rubbish at laundry

That's not a mental load, that's a twat of a husband.

My husband has bins, garden, diy and hoovering. We also split cooking. I don’t have to think about any of them.
He will occasionally stick a load on but equally after a few costly mistakes he washes on 30 as things don’t tend to run at that temp. But I only have whites, towels/bedding and everything else

Give him a new job.

He might do the laundry but he doesn't do it well.
Any eejit can chuck some clothes in a washing machine and turn a switch.
By all means scurry about behind the scenes to allow him to maintain his self-delusion that he's some sort of laundry master but this would drive me crazy

I have a system where I separate all the household laundry into 4 separate baskets, from each family member's pile of dirty clothes: darks, lights, brights, and delicates

Christ on a bike

He's giving himself back pats for doing something as poorly as possible. Go, dude. 🙄

I'd do my own clothes. Let him ruin stuff, pay for it, and have his kids complain to him.

Laundry isn't difficult. Kids under 10 can do it. Ask him if his brain is going smooth that he can't manage to be competent at laundry.

Yes. Laundry is a science so I tend not to let my husband do it.

All my bras and jumpers are only allowed on the delicates but not together. Something my husband will never understand.

I also can't be arsed constantly listing all the things he shouldn't tumble dry (e.g. my thermal leggings I live in in winter, my jumpers, bras).

It's alot easier in summer.

I don’t mean to sound rude but he has a serious problem being so obsessive with laundry

I do the kids separately to ours but most goes in together apart from wool wash stuff.

I had a few mishaps with laundry when I first started doing it. No one came along to rescue me and sort the colours for me, so I eventually learnt my lesson. Although I still only separate in to 2 loads- lights and darks, so may not meet your standards.
You're choosing to take on the mental load for laundry. Step back and leave him to it.

@AnnaBegins why is he not made response for replacing like for like within a calander month/week? He fucks it up - he has to replace it.

Mine does laundry too and then leaves it wet on the floor or overloads the machine and never puts it away so I’ve said he’s not alllwed now . He cleans the kitchen and is good at it and I cook so we balance there but the other mental load is vast