No sex in 10 years.

[LittleThingsS]

Im ‘only’ 37 and haven’t had sex in 10 years, is that really sad and pathetic? No dates, no kissing, not even a hug. I feel sad getting to 40 and not having sex in over a decade. Is anyone else relatively young and in the same situation? I did a search but it was only much older people or married couples in a sexless marriage which doesn’t apply either, I feel too young to be living like this.

Honestly not just you- don’t worry! I have a male friend as well who’s currently 34 and mot had sex since him and his ex split five years ago. It happens! When you get the time to get out dating again, maybe when your kids are a bit older, you’ll find someone great and sex will be back on the cards for sure!

I have been a single parent since 31, and went a really really long time without sex. Sometimes it bothered me, sometimes it didn't. It took until my son turned 16 to be able to prioritise this aspect of my life. But that is what I had to do! I am 10 years older than you, and sexual opportunities weren't just going to land on my lap!

First thing I did was start taking care of my self again. Losing weight, better clothes etc. I was positioning myself as a sexual being again.

I started to notice men more out and about. Relearned what attracts me.

I hit the dating apps and met lots of men for coffees until I found someone I was attracted to and the opportunity presented itself.

I also did lots of research into sex and my body to give myself some confidence again.

This was about a year's worth of effort! It was also important to me not just to sleep with anyone. I had to want that person to stimulate that desire again when it's not been part of your life for so long. Perimenopause hormones helped!!

It is very very hard to carve out a sex life when you parent children full time alone. Carve out some time for solo sex. Treat yourself as a person to be loved. Sow those seeds and your time WILL come again.

The positive side of prolonged celibacy is that it is a bit of a reset, an opportunity to know yourself and develops your standards so that when you do find someone to have sex with you will be in a strong position to advocate for your needs.

Childcare is tricky but not impossible to overcome. You can get babysitters. You need to prioritise your wellbeing so you can be the best version of yourself and best parent. It's by no means easy but I am always amazed by the amount of women who basically put their lives on hold for decades with young children. Fine if that's what you want but it doesn't sound like it is. Life is what you make it. Choose to be happy. It may not be easy but it is possible.

How are you suggesting to change your situation then?

No spare money for babysitters surely means you have no money for dinners out or cinema/drinks/ activities on dates? Unless you're hoping the man will pick up the tab?

That is a bit shit for you OP.

The kids will be older soon!

OP you can’t change the past, but you can change the future. You have loads of time to make up for it. I’m mid 40s and having the best time of my life sexually from 40 onwards

If you haven't had sex for 10 years your youngest must be at least 10 or 11.
How old are the rest? Can they not babysit so you can go out for a night once in a while? ( I'm not suggesting for sex) Just to get you out on your own?

You’re not alone, I was a single mum and didn’t have sex for 17 years. I had my son at 20 and like you had no help and didn’t want him meeting casual dating partners so I stayed single and celibate.
I met my now husband on my first internet date ever, we’ve been together for 12 years now.

I didn’t have sex for a long time - longer than you OP. There were reasons, but it did leave me sad and feeling generally that I was missing out on part of life. I expect it’s fairly common for people with care responsibilities such as single parents with no support. I did go on to meet someone in my 40s though and realised then that it wasn’t so much the sex I had missed out on (you can do the physical by yourself!) but more the feeling of belonging and companionship that I got from being in a relationship.

How old are your kids, are they old enough and responsible enough to be left alone for an hour or two?

I last had sex in 2020 once (turned out to be awful, no foreplay, selfish man) hence only the once, then prior to that it was 2017 so am in a similar situation. In fact prior to the 2017 'Fling' id been celebate for about 5 years before that. So ive gone years and years in my adult life without sex. Like you I dont want to just sleep with anyone so it can be hard. Ive put it down to me being picky, but also not very attractive, which I cant help unfortunately. Now im going through meno ive lost tge desire at all now so I guess thats the end of it all

sorry where have you got that from? i obviously am not expecting that hence why ive been single and celibate for so long! what a strange comment!

no shes 9 he left when i was pregnant and no they are not old enough to babysit

no youngest is 9 and as i said not looking for ways to date, i know i could date if i had spare money but i dont, my ex left me in loads of debts and doesnt pay maintenance i cant afford regular sitters in order to date.

thanks to those that have commented in the same situation, I feel less alone now but im glad I put them first at the same time, maybe if I had lots of support or their father had them on the weekends etc life would have been different but having them full time made it too tricky.

I'm 41 and haven't kissed or had sex since November 2021. I went 7 years at one point. Yes I'm sure anyone can go out and get laid but like you I want it to be with someone I really like and really care about. People forget how hard that is to find and when you reach middle age having had no long term luck you do get to a point where you just run out of faith and give up. You're not alone OP and I have perfectly lovely friends in the same boat x

I’m 60 and last had sex in March 2020. I can’t seep with someone unless there’s an emotional connection and casual sex really holds no appeal whatsoever. I can’t even kiss someone without a connection that’s built up, let alone have sex with them.
I’ve tried OLD and hated it. I’ve met a handful of men in the wild but no one I’ve felt attracted to.

Ive always had a very full and active sex life in my previous relationships so never expected this
period of celibacy but I don’t know what the answer is.
I don’t think people who can have sex without that connection first really get how difficult it is to find someone we want to sleep with.

Childcare, solicitors! What are people like, assuming that the average single parent can afford either. Read the bloody news and try to work it out.

Thank you, I think people are missing the point where I said I don’t want causal sex, sorry but that’s not for me, it’s great that some women can sleep with a man and not be bothered if he doesn’t call her again but that’s not for me, I want a relationship and a partner and I knew I couldn’t have that with such little free time, the people saying it’s possible obviously aren’t referring to relationships as no man wants to date a woman that they can rarely see. So it wasn’t a choice but to accept it. I knew I’d only attract men after one thing.

It might not be what you want to hear but I divorced a right twat and abuser 13 years ago and my son was a newborn at the time. I had the divorce from hell. However your youngest should be in school now and able to go for play dates giving you some time to develop your own hobbies and interests, friendships and life. I worked full time in a stressful job but I still managed to do a hobby once a week - teenager to baby sit etc then out of nowhere 10 years ago I met my DH. He was slow burn but married now.
I didn’t want to have sex or miss it for the 5 years (nearly) that I didn’t have it!

My next door neighbour was sworn off men and really didn’t like them. Her next door neighbour was a single bloke and one day he came over and asked her if she wanted a hand mowing her garden, they have been together 15 years now!

Ecen if you don’t date I think you need relationships with other adults. Good luck!

I think you are making far too many assumptions here and also, for inexplicable reason, giving men far too much power. As a woman, I don't sleep with men who don't call me back. I am the one deciding whether I want to continue seeing them or not. In over 20 years of active sex life, I've only ever had one guy who didn't call me back.
I also don't concern myself with men who are not happy to see me infrequently. I have a busy life and I am not making any allowances for anyone I've just met. Throughout my life, I've been in three long-distance relationships where we saw each other once every other week and none of the guys were complaining about that. And in all three cases we, over time, ended up making arrangements where we met kids, families, moved closer together and, eventually, moved in.
The difference is that I don't assume the position of a passive bystander. I make decisions which make sense for me whether it is to date, to have casual sex or to remain single and celibate. A guy can get on board with it or make space for someone else.
I broke up with someone last year because he was not happy with fortnightly dates. Three days later I already had a date with someone who was and we've been seeing each other ever since.

And that’s you but there’s frequent posts on here from women who’ve slept with someone thats instantly ghosted them after. Thats not for me.

OP could shag him?

I understand. I am saying you don't have to sleep with men like that. It's your decision. It doesn't mean other men don't exist. The "ghosters" are, honestly, pretty easy to spot.

Love this post, I can relate so much. I’ve never been ghosted or “used”, I love sex and choose when to have it, I have the power to choose my own life and what happens in it. We have to have confidence