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Original poster

AIBU for what I want from my ex who want to get back together?

41 replies

novalia89 · 19/02/2026 23:46

I anticipate a mix of leave the bastard, plenty more fish and I am too demanding/controlling and should accept him for what he is.

I broke up with my boyfriend after a year, on and off. We work totally different shifts, he works the evening and one weekend day and I work 9-5:30. So timing is difficult. He also doesn't drive and we lived 30 miles away for the first few months which I did most of the travelling.

He expects too many lifts (something that he has just become accustomed to from different people) and if I don't drive he gets a taxi rather than public transport, which annoys me because it's so wasteful and isn't sustainable. He also doesn't have any assets and only works about 20 hours a week. He wants a family like I do, and I like his company. I am not the most successful at relationships and I am a little older for wanting a family.

I broke up before Christmas and he wants to get back together. I have recently bought a house and I'm wary that he has no assets, only works 20 hours, can't drive etc. and I have the feeling that he will be dependent on me. I feel awful by saying that I don't want to share my house (which I own half of now) if we did split up in the future. This makes me feel hypocritical because I see so many posts where the women has no assets and the men has it all and posts say - take him to court on divorce.

Would I be unreasonable stating that he has to get a better job if we got back together? I fear that if we did have kids I would do the lion's share of everything.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2026 23:49

YABVU to even consider taking him back. Move on.

Bluegowndance · 19/02/2026 23:51

it’s not hypocritical. Women with no assets have typically lost earning power and potential through pregnancy childbirth maternity leave and being the primary parent. When the couple divorce the woman more often takes primary care of the children again making it difficult to earn. So when people say she needs to get a share of the assets it’s to reflect that.

this is not the same as a grown ass single man only working 20 hours a week, and wanting driving around like a teenager and to move into your house. If you get pregnant by this man it’ll be a nightmare.

ArcticSkua · 19/02/2026 23:55

YANBU - I would also find these things off putting.

Original poster
novalia89 · 19/02/2026 23:56

novalia89 · 19/02/2026 23:46

I anticipate a mix of leave the bastard, plenty more fish and I am too demanding/controlling and should accept him for what he is.

I broke up with my boyfriend after a year, on and off. We work totally different shifts, he works the evening and one weekend day and I work 9-5:30. So timing is difficult. He also doesn't drive and we lived 30 miles away for the first few months which I did most of the travelling.

He expects too many lifts (something that he has just become accustomed to from different people) and if I don't drive he gets a taxi rather than public transport, which annoys me because it's so wasteful and isn't sustainable. He also doesn't have any assets and only works about 20 hours a week. He wants a family like I do, and I like his company. I am not the most successful at relationships and I am a little older for wanting a family.

I broke up before Christmas and he wants to get back together. I have recently bought a house and I'm wary that he has no assets, only works 20 hours, can't drive etc. and I have the feeling that he will be dependent on me. I feel awful by saying that I don't want to share my house (which I own half of now) if we did split up in the future. This makes me feel hypocritical because I see so many posts where the women has no assets and the men has it all and posts say - take him to court on divorce.

Would I be unreasonable stating that he has to get a better job if we got back together? I fear that if we did have kids I would do the lion's share of everything.

'I anticipate a mix of leave the bastard, plenty more fish and I am too demanding/controlling and should accept him for what he is.' my sisters and work friends said leave the bastard, close friends said that I'd love him if he was poor (I think that it's reflective of them not only very recently having a house and living at home too, compared to my work colleagues who are far more independent and financially savvy).

I feel that I could potentially have a 'cocklodger' situation if I am not careful.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 20/02/2026 00:00

He sounds like a waster-move on!

patooties · 20/02/2026 00:01

Why does he only work part time?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/02/2026 00:04

Don't waste your energy getting him to agree to stuff that he won't have the slightest intention of following through with.

You know you're looking at a cocklodger there. It makes more sense not to poke your hand into the fire again, even if you've told the fire not to be mean and burn you. Because you will get burned.

ETA: of course he wants to get back with you. There's a nice house, free transport, food and sex to gain from it.

blooooooor · 20/02/2026 00:05

Don’t waste your time… Ex’s are for a reason.

MillyTheale · 20/02/2026 00:09

You broke up with him for a reason. That reason hasn’t changed.

Shonainthecastle · 20/02/2026 00:10

He needs to get a full time job and learn to drive at the very least but if he is a scrounger at heart then he could just do that until he has moved into your house and then revert to a lazy loser. You can’t change his basic makeup so it will always be a massive conflict between you.
Move forward, not backwards OP.

CluelessAboutBiology · 20/02/2026 00:11

Why does he only work 20 hrs pw? Is it because he is too ill/disabled to work full time? Is it because he genuinely can’t find full time work? Or can he not be bothered?
If he could find full time work but doesn’t want to, then he’s eyeing up your new house as somewhere nice to live without paying for it.
unless you’re going to say although he only works 20 hours, he’s on £100ph.

patooties · 20/02/2026 00:13

why did you split?

Applecup · 20/02/2026 00:14

What exactly does he bring to the relationship? Because it sounds like bugger all. You are worth more than a man who hardly works, has no assets and is too pathetic to learn to drive.

Original poster
novalia89 · 20/02/2026 00:15

Shonainthecastle · 20/02/2026 00:10

He needs to get a full time job and learn to drive at the very least but if he is a scrounger at heart then he could just do that until he has moved into your house and then revert to a lazy loser. You can’t change his basic makeup so it will always be a massive conflict between you.
Move forward, not backwards OP.

'You can’t change his basic makeup so it will always be a massive conflict between you.' that's what I think the issue is. He has enough to 'get by' and that's ok for some people (like my close friends and another friend who I know is in a similar situation to him but currently has no job and I couldn't tell her the reasons without feeling very judgy of her) but I don't really want to just live month to month and I think that we are different at heart. I think that he just hasn't bothered to find a full 35-40 hour week because he has just got by without needing too really.

OP posts:
Shonainthecastle · 20/02/2026 00:19

Honestly, if you are thinking of getting back with him because you want children and you think you are running out of time then you would be better freezing your eggs or having kids by yourself. You can do so much better than him.

SandyY2K · 20/02/2026 06:39

He sounds like a liability.

Zanatdy · 20/02/2026 06:46

Stay well away. Of course he wants to get back with you. I’d find this incredibly unattractive a man with little ambition expecting people to drive him everywhere, or getting a cab. You can do far better, remember the reasons you split.

Gettingbysomehow · 20/02/2026 07:08

Bloody hell ditch this loser. He isnt good enough for you, is completely unmotivated and I detest men who cant be bothered to learn to drive. You'll end up hating him, being a single parent and he will sponge off you and ruin your finances.
I wasted years on an idiot like this. Dont be me. Do better for yourself.

Skybunnee · 20/02/2026 07:14

Would this v lazy unmotivated man make a good father

Soontobe60 · 20/02/2026 07:21

novalia89 · 19/02/2026 23:56

'I anticipate a mix of leave the bastard, plenty more fish and I am too demanding/controlling and should accept him for what he is.' my sisters and work friends said leave the bastard, close friends said that I'd love him if he was poor (I think that it's reflective of them not only very recently having a house and living at home too, compared to my work colleagues who are far more independent and financially savvy).

I feel that I could potentially have a 'cocklodger' situation if I am not careful.

Show quote history

There’s no ‘potentially’ about it! My DH only earned slightly above minimum wage throughout his working life for various reasons, but he worked long hours, never had a day off sick, did (does) more than his share of the household jobs, was (sis) a brilliant father. So I was (am) more than happy for him to continue with his low paid job whilst I was (is) the higher earner.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 20/02/2026 07:23

He wants to get back with your house not you.

Horses7 · 20/02/2026 18:32

Remember why you broke up with him - he’ll be a millstone around your neck despite promises. Move on with someone who shares your aspirations.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/02/2026 18:37

Windscreens are bigger than rearview mirrors for a reason.
Look forward not backwards.
You can see his faults. You can see what the future looks like with him leeching off you.
Leave him behind.

istolethetalisker · 20/02/2026 18:40

I keep coming back to doesn't own a home but gets taxis all the time instead of using public transport. It's so lazy and entitled. This is someone who is used to having everything done for them. He may be great company but you would carry all the mental load all the time. Do you want to wind up his second mother?

Bonkers1966 · 20/02/2026 18:41

Jeez. Move on woman. Hobosexual the Americans call that.

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