AIBU for what I want from my ex who want to get back together?

[novalia89]

I anticipate a mix of leave the bastard, plenty more fish and I am too demanding/controlling and should accept him for what he is.

I broke up with my boyfriend after a year, on and off. We work totally different shifts, he works the evening and one weekend day and I work 9-5:30. So timing is difficult. He also doesn't drive and we lived 30 miles away for the first few months which I did most of the travelling.

He expects too many lifts (something that he has just become accustomed to from different people) and if I don't drive he gets a taxi rather than public transport, which annoys me because it's so wasteful and isn't sustainable. He also doesn't have any assets and only works about 20 hours a week. He wants a family like I do, and I like his company. I am not the most successful at relationships and I am a little older for wanting a family.

I broke up before Christmas and he wants to get back together. I have recently bought a house and I'm wary that he has no assets, only works 20 hours, can't drive etc. and I have the feeling that he will be dependent on me. I feel awful by saying that I don't want to share my house (which I own half of now) if we did split up in the future. This makes me feel hypocritical because I see so many posts where the women has no assets and the men has it all and posts say - take him to court on divorce.

Would I be unreasonable stating that he has to get a better job if we got back together? I fear that if we did have kids I would do the lion's share of everything.

Run or, in fact, act like a horse wanting to win at Royal Ascot.

Fucking hell OP. He saw you coming 10 miles off!

Free lifts everywhere, no need to put himself out travelling if not, sex on tap, and now a nice home for him to mooch off as well. In return he gets to be a moody, workshy manchild.

Find your backbone, I beg of you.

He might want a family but he doesn't sound like husband and father material. He sounds at best sperm donor and man-child material.

You've said enough to know the answer.. it would be a mistake if he hasn't started to work better hours of his own accord he is coming back to you because he knows you would probably take on the lions share.
Don't take him back move on.

What a loser! You would just be giving yourself a 5'10" child. Why in the world would you even consider going backwards in life to pick up this trash? You put it out at the curb - leave it there. Tell him that he has nothing to offer you, and therefore there is no reason for you to get re-involved with him. Do not try to negotiate, nag, whine or compromise yourself into a relationship like he is the only man left on the planet. You bought yourself a house - he can't even buy himself a vehicle. This guy is such a loser.

So his positives are you like his company and he wants kids?
And his negatives are a list as long as the channel tunnel?

He wants to get back together now you’ve got your own home? What’s his living situation?
You know no one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a roof over his head right?

I'm just not seeing what getting back with him has in its favour. The best you have said about him is "I like his company". You need more than that to build a life with someone! I do get what you are saying about wanting a family - maybe your biological clock is ticking? But it would be unwise to saddle yourself with a partner/husband you are not in love with, not even (seemingly) that keen on at all, who is a bit of a financial liability/drain, just to have a father for your children.

You'd be better to get back out there and do some intentional dating - devote some time and thought for it and try hard to meet someone suited to you who you will also (hopefully) fall in love with.

If you had posted and said you really loved and desired him, you were just worried about the money side, my advice would have been different - I don't think money is everything and it's fine for the woman to be the higher earner, if she is happy with that, as long as the man brings other things to the table.

But what does this one bring? Nothing as far as I can tell, apart from tolerable company and some sperm.....

The fact you have to ask the question means you have doubts.
Get rid before those doubts are regrets.
I'm sure there will be someone that's much better for you

"I feel that I could potentially have a 'cocklodger' situation if I am not careful."

That's because you would.

People tend to advise women to go for more in a divorce due to them tending to take the children and/or they’ve been a stay at home parent so few skills to get in the job market.

People don’t change. If he wanted to change, he would have at least tried. You will be a parent to him. Don’t .

I wouldn’t be with a partner who couldn’t drive or owned a car nor would I want to be with someone who only worked 20 hours a week but was capable of working more. He also has no assets so chuck him in the bin, find someone who matches your standards and DO NOT let this loser move in with you.

He'll never pull his weight and you'll end up resenting him because he's a dusty loser.
.

He's a real slacker, a lazy get and wants to be carried around like a child.

Not a great bet. You can do much better!
😻🤞

Exactly. And do you think there’s even half a chance this lazy man would suddenly become a responsible proactive parent if you had children? I don’t. You’d be looking after an adult as well as the children. And if you married him you’d have to pay him off if/when you divorced.

He will drag you down for the rest of your life OP, and you will resent him more and more with each passing year. Do yourself a favour and let him go.

He’s a loser looking for a money pit. You on the other hand sound successful and proactive. You don’t need him.
Down the plug hole he goes.