don’t flee in a rush. You need to plan this. Call woman’s aid but don’t give your name. They will make a referral, confidentiality doesn’t apply when children are at risk like this. They made a referral about me and that triggered social services coming to the house and then speaking to ex, social services told me if I don’t leave and protect my child they could take steps to remove her. So I left in a rush and the social services would not go on record to family court they told me this. It was an utter nightmare. I’ve heard many women tell similar stories so without being obstructive or difficult try your very best to always communicate with social services in writing. Also know the system. They can’t just take your child if they find out what’s happening and you don’t immediately leave- there is a process and it’s the family court judge who orders this not a social worker saying things to scare you.
do t be scared of woman’s aid though. They are bound by safeguarding which is why I say don’t give your name but they are an amazing resource and hugely helpful. When you leave give them your real name and take all the support you can. Don’t worry about it now but once you have got out and are safe I recommend the freedom program.
is the council house in just your name or joint? If it’s just yours you can call the police and have him removed. Change the locks and calm the police when he turns up. These police call outs will be evidence of he takes you to court for the kids. If it’s joint speak to woman’s aid for specific advice on that. That will be so much better than you leaving. If he’s going to try to take the kids via court you having the stable home and consistency for the children is better. Also while it’s horrible to say this if he’s causing problems for you in Theo house once he’s out that will be essential evidence. Things have supposed to have improved since I went through it but family court really don’t care if he’s abusive to you he has to be abusive to the children not to get unsupervised contact. I’ve read that they take witnessing abuse seriously now but don’t count on that if it’s going to be your word against his.
I will never regret leaving my ex but I do regret doing it in a rush without decent evidence against him. He fought me for the child and got unsupervised contact dd used to come home with marks and has suffered at his hands. He used contact to further his abuse of me for many years. He only stopped when he got a new victim and the kids were old enough to be making disclosures. Even then the disclosures were not taken seriously because there was a record id tried to stop contact and accused him of abuse but it wasn’t proved. All my dd early disclosures were dismissed as me coaching her. You need to get the first steps right leaving is definitely the best thing for the children don’t be scared I to staying just make plans and do it right.
once you separate then never talk to him in the phone again. All communication in writing so if he is threatening you have the evidence.
has anyone ever raised concerns? Not the HV when you had your second and third child? Do you remember being asked questions that made you squirm and you lied to cover for him? Do a SAR now to the HV for all records you may find they wrote notes that you seems subdued. Or if they never saw you alone they should have recorded this- that’s evidence too.
start a diary now and record all the history you can remember. Dates and times as much as you can. Keep adding everything going forward. I recommend setting up a new email address and doing the diary in email and email yourself. Then if you leave in a hurry you can access it. He also is much less likely to find it. Don’t link the email account to your phone and always close the page down so he doesn’t stumble across it. You can also then email photos of any injuries. Broken items in the house. Does he punch walls? Use this for your communication with services behind his back etc etc.
do you have a ring doorbell? Is there a chance there is any footage in there that would be evidence of how he treats you? Email this to your new email address.
if the house isn’t Ailey your name and you have to leave if you took the kids birth certificates and passports all their paperwork etc would he notice? If so then just write yourself a list of all of that and email it to yourself with the subject important documents. So you can grab it all in a rush and not have to remember each individual thing. Bank details and savings etc etc. once you leave you won’t have access to any of this paperwork. Also on this list put treasured items eg children’s teddy.
take photos of all your photos you want to keep and email them to yourself. I have no photos of my dd first year because I left without them. Her baby handprints and baby scan pictures are lost to me.
do you have your own bank account? Set one up and use your new email address. Watch for the card in the post so he doesn’t find it. If you don’t feel confident doing this now then be ready to do it the first day you leave him.
if asked by a social worker without you in the room do you think your oldest would describe any of the abuse incidents? I’m assuming they are about age 6? So their wishes won’t be factored into any desist a in contact in the family court. It’s about age 10 (ish!) judges start to listen to child’s wishes on this. However if your child makes disclosures to a social worker this will be evidence. What do you think your child will say? You cannot coach them either, even with the truth because the SW will likely ask them if anyone told them these things happens or told them to say xyz.
pack an emergency bag if you will have to leave the house. If you are only allowed to school unsupervised does this mean you have nowhere to hide it? Any friend on the school run who you can ask to take items from you and store for you? Do you work and maybe have a locker there? If you have to have it hidden at home then make it your regular chaning bag that’s always fully stocked and ready to go. Add a change of clothes for your older children. Leggings don’t take up march space and can double as nightwear until you have stuff. Literally just enough for one night when you leave you will have 3 children to wrangle unless you have managed to get a bag stored out the grouse you dont want loads to carry. Refuge will have toothbrushes and toothpaste etc don’t pack toiletry’s if you have low space for escape bag. Money is more important.
do you have any friends or family who have witnessed anything or marks on you that would give you a statement. Don’t worry about this now but if he takes you to court for the kids get as many of these as you can. Even if they haven’t seen anything if you have told them anything or said anything to them in text messages for example this is evidence. You need to establish the abuse allegations are historic and not just because you are leaving him and spitefully trying to keep the kids from him.
do you have a car? Does he ever adjust the car seats? Some have space in the back or could hide cash under the lining.
Do you do the food shop alone? I’m going back years now but I asked for £10 cash back every weekly shop and squirrelled that away over time. It didn’t show I’d done it in the bank statement. But check that’s still the case before doing it. You also used to be able to pay in card but return items for cash not sure if that’s still possible. Don’t keep this cash in your purse.
look up and write yourself instructions on how to remove your name form joint bank accounts etc as you will need to do this as soon as you leave. Are the bills in your name his or joint? Make a plan for dealing with all this. It’s much less overwhelming to work through a list that get your brain to focus on this when you are fleeing and terrified.
always remember he will make accusations back. Every message you send or meeting you have you need to be calm and child focused. Don’t allow him to provoke you into messages he can twist that you are abusive too or that he can twist into concerns you are not mentally stable. If you haven’t heard of grey rock you should look it up. Don’t start while you are living together as it will make him escalate his abuse at first. Abusers absolutely hate to feel they are loosing their power over you and will try harder to rein you back in. When living with him that’s dangerous but once you are separated it’s the start of the process where he gives up and moves on, likely giving you evidence of what he is like as he tries to cow you from a distance. Remember never speak to him in person or on the phone!! All communication in emails or text messages so you have the proof. Or if he won’t give you proof you have communication that you can handle easily.
you have suffered for years and have had 3 kids while enduring this. There will be times you don’t feel strong enough to do this. There will be times you doubt yourself and wonder if staying would have been better for the children. Read back over the diary you will have started. Remember why you are doing this. Look at your children and think of their future when you waver. They only have you you have to be strong enough. And you are strong enough. Look what you have endured and you are not broken and cowed you are looking at how you go about leaving. I am not going to lie it is incredibly hard leaving. There is so much to do. So many professionals get involved and they listen to all kinds of lies form him about you and question your mental health. But they have to do a thorough investigation of his accusations as they have to investigate yours. It’s hard but you will bear it. And even if you end up fighting him in family court you can do it. There is a strength you find and it builds and builds. Once you are jit constantly terrified in your own home, once you can sleep soundly. Once the noise of the children playing brings you joy not fear he will get angry. You have more energy and you can cope with it. And if he takes you to court you can delay his contact while they establish the facts of if he is a danger to the kids. You can argue for a slow build up of contact. All this time yog grey rock him and don’t react and chances are he will send you a message of come to the house and give you evidence he is abusive so you can protect the kids. Even if you loose the second he does anything to the kids you can take it back to court and try again. You don’t have to find thousands of pounds to do that you can represent yourself. Come back and ask Mumsnet for advice if you have to do court there is great advice and support here. He’s threatening to hurt your children, even if he gets contact that will be better for them than living with him. If he hurts then during contact you have the evidence you need to stop contact. If your girls grow up seeing abuse as normal, even if they know it’s wrong it will do damage. Maybe he doesn’t physically hurt the kids but he’s laying the foundations for them to grow up and enter their own abusive relationships. Leaving is best.