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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship struggles after baby

28 replies

pinkflower223 · 18/02/2026 19:59

Our baby is 9 months old now, and it’s been awful, constant disagreements, constant arguments, he demands I pay 50% of the bills so whilst looking after our son full time I’m always working full time, self employed running a business, and with that I’m not even making minimum wage and he’s earning triple my income, there’s a lot of messy stuff that has happened within that time also like infidelity that I chose to move on from and I do, that was my choice, but he constantly makes disrespectful comments, like when I’ve mentioned how much I’ve been struggling and would rather find a part time job so I can dedicate the time I have with my son to being fully present, he says well why can’t you find some evening work because what are we gonna do about childcare, bare in mind I’m the one who gets up all night long with him, has him till 5 o’clock everyday then he expects I go to work till god knows, I’m just so disappointed in myself, he used to be so considerate and loving and since finding out I was pregnant with our son has been nothing short or cruel and cold, and I feel trapped because I always end up just letting things go every single time. So I know I need to hold myself accountable for that point.

OP posts:
Pancakesbythedozen · 18/02/2026 20:01

You are basically a single parent. Make it official and claim cms.
Then enjoy some time off with your dc..
You are in an abusive relationship..

Harrietsaunt · 18/02/2026 20:05

Cut him loose, he’s cheating useless scum.

Bonkers1966 · 18/02/2026 20:06

This sounds abusive on so many levels. He hates you for getting pregnant. He doesn't want to be a dad. Time to get some legal advice.

Endofyear · 18/02/2026 23:27

Please don't blame yourself, you're not responsible for him being an arsehole. You should make plans to leave imo - don't stay with a man who has cheated on you in the past and behaves like a wanker to you now.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/02/2026 23:30

Gently op - why haven’t you left him? He’s financially abusing you, cheated on you, an awful parent, horrible to you. What help do you need to leave him?

Ohfudgeoff · 18/02/2026 23:32

This is not an equal or equitable relationship.

Enrichetta · 18/02/2026 23:33

Staying may be easier in the short term, but you must by now realise that this is not going to work.

What needs to happen for you to get yourself in a position to leave him?

ClaudiasDreadfulEyeliner · 18/02/2026 23:33

Are you scared of him? What would happen if you didn't contribute half the bills?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/02/2026 23:35

If he ‘demands’ you pay 50% of the bills, why can’t you ‘demand’ he does 50% of the childcare. That isn’t advice by the way, this one is way past bothering to talk about what’s wrong, just get him to leave your house. Or sell it if it’s joint.

ClaudiasDreadfulEyeliner · 18/02/2026 23:35

In any case, he was unfaithful, and is cruel and cold. If you don't want that, every day, for the rest of your life, until one of you dies, LTB.

Groundhogday2025 · 18/02/2026 23:40

Yeah… I mean… what are you even getting out of this? You will literally be better off financially, mentally and emotionally as a single parent. You’ll even get time off when he has the baby, and if not and he decides not to be involved then it’ll be no different to now anyway.

TiredFTM78321 · 19/02/2026 00:02

These are not usual post baby struggles.

He's cruel and a cheat.

Leave now.

bluecoat63 · 19/02/2026 00:27

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Holding down your own business, bringing up a baby and having disrupted sleep is a terrible combo - just one of those woukd be hard enough. Add to that a husband who clearly isn’t doing his equal share.

i think it’s good that your gut instincts are telling you this isn’t right, and that he’s being cruel.

please don’t let this behaviour become normalised.

it’s not acceptable and his behaviour is not supportive.

I should have left my husband in the first 24 months of our kids. He was similar to yours. But it took me a further 10 years and two more kids. I wasn’t brave enough and worried about she practicalities as I didn’t make enough money. But I should have done it years ago as it was the best decision I ever made. We have a happier house now. I also thought I could “fix” him and kept making excuses or thinking things would change. They did for a while but the same problems were rooted in and he just wasn’t a kind person.

As your son gets older he will pick up and absorb the atmosphere and resentment you feel. You can try and hide it but kids are mood absorbers.
also think about whether you want your son learning and behaving like his dad on a daily basis?

Also and just as important it’s not healthy for you. You shouldn’t have to put up with this, it’s just not healthy.

it’s really tough. And scary. But I think you need to change your thinking and start thinking of how life without him looks. Think about your kid. think about you. You coukd both be much much happier.

pinkflower223 · 19/02/2026 12:29

I find it so so difficult, I feel like I need to take accountability as I allow myself to stay stuck in this situation, but everytime he comes back and says something nice and I’m instantly drawn back in and I hate myself for it, we currently rent and our due to move into a new rental property but waiting to sign tenancy and I’m scared although he says we just need a new house and environment and things will be different I fear they never will be, I do feel it’s definitely not equal at all, his priorities are all out of wack, he just says when I say I don’t think I can afford the 50/50 dynamic he just says I can’t pay so I don’t know what you want me to do, so I do feel like sometimes if I’m not burning myself into the ground and working and getting money in we would be homeless, he took out a 20k loan when my son was about 5 months old for a sports car and that’s why he can’t afford to help me, but on the same hand I well and truly am petrified to leave not because he’s ever been physical with me or anything but because we’ve been together for so so long since I was so young that I actually just feel stuck as naive as that sounds, but I just feel like I’m going round in circles having the same arguments with him and him not hearing me and just saying I’m constantly having a go at him so I can’t win.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2026 13:30

you know you need to do something about this op. You know it’s not right. The hardest step will be the first one, and you need to do it for your child’s sake. Do not sign anything with him - of course a different house doesn’t change his abhorrent personality.

SpecialPatrolGroupp · 19/02/2026 13:37

This will get worse and worse…..

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 19/02/2026 13:42

Are you married?

he took out a 20k loan when my son was about 5 months old for a sports car

We make over 250k gross as a household.
I would lose my. fucking. mind. if my dh and did this.
equally my dh would NEVER in a million years make a purchase that large without discussion and agreement because we are a team and he respects me.

Stop paying half (just dont do it say you dont have it and let him pay) save some cash and Get the fuck out.

pinkflower223 · 19/02/2026 13:47

@SalmonOnFinnCrispno we aren’t married, yeah honestly I’m barely scrimping £1000 a month at the moment so every penny I earn goes straight to my half, he earns about £3k a month or just under so that loan covers a good chunk and he also has 4 other cars, and the cheek of it he wants to buy another one the same week we are due to potentially move house, as it’s me expected to pay the deposit and I know it’s my fault and I’m enabling it I truly do know that but on the same hand I’m scared about not having a roof to put over my sons head

OP posts:
TiredFTM78321 · 19/02/2026 14:51

Your updates get worse and worse. At some point, you really do need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. We can all sympathise and express outrage at your partner but you are the only one that can do anything about it. It's an awful situation but you, and only you, can get yourself out of it.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 19/02/2026 16:49

pinkflower223 · 19/02/2026 13:47

@SalmonOnFinnCrispno we aren’t married, yeah honestly I’m barely scrimping £1000 a month at the moment so every penny I earn goes straight to my half, he earns about £3k a month or just under so that loan covers a good chunk and he also has 4 other cars, and the cheek of it he wants to buy another one the same week we are due to potentially move house, as it’s me expected to pay the deposit and I know it’s my fault and I’m enabling it I truly do know that but on the same hand I’m scared about not having a roof to put over my sons head

This is insane.
Im.so sorry you are in this situation it must cast such a shadow over your time with your baby

You cant go on like this for a range of reasons....Including (most importantly) your own health...

Once you are out of this if you do want to date again please do the freedom program and run a clares law check before getting involved with another man.

Terrribletwos · 19/02/2026 16:55

pinkflower223 · 19/02/2026 13:47

@SalmonOnFinnCrispno we aren’t married, yeah honestly I’m barely scrimping £1000 a month at the moment so every penny I earn goes straight to my half, he earns about £3k a month or just under so that loan covers a good chunk and he also has 4 other cars, and the cheek of it he wants to buy another one the same week we are due to potentially move house, as it’s me expected to pay the deposit and I know it’s my fault and I’m enabling it I truly do know that but on the same hand I’m scared about not having a roof to put over my sons head

Would you not be better off on your own financially tho? It sounds like you would be.

Farmwifefarmlife · 19/02/2026 16:58

pinkflower223 · 19/02/2026 12:29

I find it so so difficult, I feel like I need to take accountability as I allow myself to stay stuck in this situation, but everytime he comes back and says something nice and I’m instantly drawn back in and I hate myself for it, we currently rent and our due to move into a new rental property but waiting to sign tenancy and I’m scared although he says we just need a new house and environment and things will be different I fear they never will be, I do feel it’s definitely not equal at all, his priorities are all out of wack, he just says when I say I don’t think I can afford the 50/50 dynamic he just says I can’t pay so I don’t know what you want me to do, so I do feel like sometimes if I’m not burning myself into the ground and working and getting money in we would be homeless, he took out a 20k loan when my son was about 5 months old for a sports car and that’s why he can’t afford to help me, but on the same hand I well and truly am petrified to leave not because he’s ever been physical with me or anything but because we’ve been together for so so long since I was so young that I actually just feel stuck as naive as that sounds, but I just feel like I’m going round in circles having the same arguments with him and him not hearing me and just saying I’m constantly having a go at him so I can’t win.

Honestly leave! You should get funded hours once your son is 9 months old. Don’t move with him find your own rental , find a local nursery, look for part time work claim CMS from him. You’ll be so much happier.

NutButterOnToast · 19/02/2026 17:01

Surely to god you'd have more money as a single parent on UC with child benefit and CMS?

I agree with PP at some point you have to take responsibility for allowing yourself to get into this mess.

He's a cold, cruel, cheat who has no respect for you.

The relationship has to end. He prioritises himself and his money over you and his child. This is no way to live.

Start researching what you'd be entitled to as a single parent and speak to women's aid about the abuse in your relationship. Yes it is abuse, it's not "relationship struggles"

category12 · 19/02/2026 19:23

Fgs don't sign onto a new tenancy with him.

He's financially abusing you as well as emotionally abusing you. Abuse often starts or ramps up in pregnancy when they think they've got you trapped.

Do you have supportive family who could help you leave?

HopSplidge988 · 19/02/2026 19:34

OP, can you stay with friends, or family, and then get yourself on your feet?