Is this age gap too much?

[GoldenAmz]

I’m not asking re. the number of years between us specifically, but more so the actual ages if that makes sense. I know many age gap relationships are successful.

I am 48f and he’s 34m. I have no kids, he has one.

He’s mature, good job, keeps himself fit etc. Ticks many boxes.

Has anyone been in a relationship where there was similar ages? Or known someone who has.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking things (probably!), but views are welcome.

How old is his child? Are you happy putting any travel or big retirement plans on hold if he's still working and not able to come? Or if you need to fund his child through uni if you fully integrate families?

Seems absolutely fine to me in terms of ages, but I have no desire to become a step-parent so would never pursue this. I think that should be the key consideration for you.

Retirement ages are so variable that it’s hard to say that OP will be retiring exactly 14 years before her boyfriend. Men generally out-earn women so the boyfriend could be in a position to retire not much later than OP, especially with some careful planning on both sides.

It’s fine if you don’t want children, but not fine if you do want children.

Child is nearly 3. @FloralAmber I don’t want children of my own (that ship has long sailed in my case)

I thought you were 34 and he was 48! I read it wrong.

His child is very young, not sure what his contact arrangements are but if it was me at your stage in life I’d not want to get involved, he’s got at least 15 years of constant parenting to do which might mean your relationship takes a back seat. That’s fine if you’re on board with that but I think you need to have a serious think about what you want from him because his child should be his priority.

Exactly the ages we were although children were much older. Still going strong and happy. 68 and 55 now. Hes working, I've retired.

No idea on the age gap, but I can't think of anything worse at 48, than a 3 year old - not one of my own or anyone else's 😟.

Are you prepared to have a 3 year old in your life? That's going to be quite a hit in terms of finances, life style, freedom etc and still with years of responsibility ahead. As for the age gap. Obviously it can work but it does become more obvious as you age (if that makes sense). So when he's 44 you'll be nearly 60. Energy levels, expectations and priorities will most likely be quite different then. At the moment there probably isn't much noticeable difference. Just some food for thought OP.

All good points, thank you

Don’t do it. It’s the child thing, it will be too big an issue as you age

I am the voice of experience here

She's 48. It's her that's the older one.

Does he want anymore children? If he does there’s a very high chance you will not conceive. I would worry that he will leave me in a few years time, for someone younger that he can have another child with.

Fine for some short-term fun but the likelihood of him leaving you eventually for a younger woman is high, so factor that into any financial, housing and other commitments you make.

I know you’ll get a lot of anecdotal stories about successful age-gap relationships but the statistics are against you.

I'm friends with two age-gap couples. One has a gap of 16 years (him 53, her 69). Together for 25 years.
The other has a 22 year gap (her 47, him 69). Together for 30 years (yes, she was 17 and he was 39).

Both couples are rock solid as far as I can see.
It can work. People are really judgy but none of these people care and neither do I.

My partner and I have a decade age gap.

There is 13 years between me and my partner - he’s the younger. My kids are all grown up and his are young teenagers. It’s not always easy because I have plenty of spare money and he doesn’t as he (rightly) spends most of his on the children so we can’t do the things I could possibly do if I had an older partner. But we are a good team and very happy.

14 years here, me (f) the eldest....a year and 2 months in, its the most honest, loving, beat communication and caring relationship ive ever been in. Despite him being "young" he is an old soul (will tell you that himself) and im young headed so it works.
Have big convos early or you waste time.
I have 2 children, didn't want more. He never wanted children but adores mine....he doesnt believe in marriage, I wouldn't get married again....works well for us!

That sounds lovely! Do you mind me asking what decade you are in? x

I have good friends with a slightly larger age gap (15years) they both had children, hers young adults and his one still fairly little when they met, they are elderly now, and still adore each other, it’s very nice seeing them together. I think they have been together for 35 years or so.

I’m 51, DP is 33. 18 year gap. Been together 6 years. We don’t live together and never intend to.

I agree with PP about having the big conversations early on. We talked about whether he wanted children - he doesn’t. How his mum felt - she likes me and thinks he’s batting! Agreed that he is a friend to my sons (20 and 16) but has no parenting role. Agreed that our finances are separate, and that he is under no pressure to “keep up” with my higher earnings - I have expensive meals with my girlfriends and lovely pub lunches with him. We split the costs of our holidays and I pay for the expensive excursions. We joke about how he’ll push me around in my wheelchair in 30 years time, if he’s not ditched me for a younger model or been run over by a bus by then.

Life is short and there’s no guarantees about the future. If you find someone who makes you happy now, you should grab that love with both hands. ❤️

That sounds lovely! If never intending to live with each other, do you have regular nights you see ecahother, or spend weekends at each others houses etc? Do you think it would be different if you had much younger kids or do you think it still would have worked?

Sorry for the questions, just intrigued 😂

We don’t have any “regular” times to see each other. It very much depends on what we both have going on with work and family commitments. We might not see each other for a couple of weeks then spend a few days together. Or we’ll spend every weekend together for a month. We just see when our diaries align. He usually comes to me as my house is nicer and he loves my dogs! 🤣

He happily kicks a ball about with my boys or offers advice when they ask. He’s only 13 years older than my eldest so I think can relate to them. He’ll call them for dinner or run them to football practice. I’m not sure he’d do so well with younger children reading bedtime stories or dealing with tantrums, especially having no kids of his own.

In your situation, I guess you need to agree how hands on you’d expect to be with his child. And how much you actually want to be involved in raising a young child with all the challenges that brings.

I think with a child involved there is a lot more to consider. I had a friend who got into a relationship with an younger man who had two children (boys), around 8 and 10 i'd say when they got together.

In my friends case, as the children grew up into teenagers and became more aware of the age gap, they became increasingly unkind towards my friend.

Essentially they started finding it 'weird' that their dad was dating an older woman and made this pretty clear. A lot of this I think came from teasing from their friends about how their dad married a cougar etc etc. Teenagers can be cruel.

No