Teetering on the edge of calling time on the marriage - so hard - DH who cannot communicate

[Captivatingcapybara]

Morning,

I have changed username but I am a longer term poster. My husband is ND and I am so very done. I am at my wits end but finding it so hard to call time on the relationship. Been together for so long and teenage kids. One who is also ND and in a complex situation of online school/tutors/EHCP/PIP applications etc. Obv I do all of this and DH has done none of it. I just cannot do it any more and I am broken by it all. I also work FT in a professional job. Am also the breadwinner (he does work but I earn a lot more).

I have tried talking to him, he literally does not/cannot communicate. I mean he says nothing or I don't know. I have tried begging for help in a carefully worded whatsapp message (even ran it through AI to ensure it was not blaming, clear comms). That was over a month ago and he never replied. I am holding everything together here and struggling more and more in work to balance it all (SEND, other DD and FT job)

I feel like I am kicking a puppy. He does not want to leave but I cannot cope and the resentment of him being here and doing nothing or even responding to my pleas for help has broken me. He will literally say nothing even if I am in tears.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel so unkind but also, this is no fun for anyone? Did you regret splitting?

I have no practical advice/relevant experience to offer you but your post made me so incredibly sad for you. Not pitying. Just sad. It just sounds so hard for you.

Emotional connection and communication are so important to me - this would destroy me as well.

Would you consider counselling? It really helps to untangle one’s thoughts especially if you are considering making a big decision like divorce.

💐

Thanks @HelpMeUnpickThis , that is really kind of you. I am sad, that pretty much sums it up. There is no emotional connection and I cannot understand how someone can behave in the way he does (I know it is ND related).

I did start counselling via work and have come back to it for all the reasons you mention. So I am doing this. So tricky as DD is in such a precarious place re GCSEs and I so fearful of doing the wrong thing for her.

Thank you for your kindness, it means a lot.

My late OH was very anxious and this impinged hugely on our relationship in terms of limiting what we could all do.

My attitude was that he had a problem that needed addressing and that as a grown adult he had a responsibility to do so as it was impinging on our mutual happiness. Being unwell (or in this case ND) does not grant an adult a free pass on all the responsibilities to others that go with being in a relationship and part of a family.

Thank you @Mischance . I do agree, I have told him that he needs to look after himself (he is also sad, I suspect that he is depressed). I cannot take responsibility for him any longer, my plate is more than full. Thanks for the replies.

Hello @Captivatingcapybara
Sorry for the difficult situation. I have a friend from an older workplace who went through something similar, she needed a lot of handholding as she went through a divorce with an ND (ex)husband. She practically summed up the issues the way you did (sans the kids) back in the day.. The divorce itself was not argumentative or heated, you could say amicable, but it was her guilt that made it absolutely unbearable for her. The guy actually seemed pretty indifferent about it all, like it didn't really matter to him either way - is what it definitely looked and sounded like. Now, I am not saying it is the exact same situation, and you are not her, your H is not the same person as her XH, etc...

I was wondering, was he always like this, or to this level? If so, what made you form a relationship in the first place, and stay this long? I am just trying to understand what can form the base for love in a setup like this..

I will always lean towards communication and maybe counselling - and by the sound of it, you are trying your best for each. And communication only works if it's two-way, so I feel for you. In an ideal world, that should be enough, and the two of you could work it out like that. One thing I will tell you, is that we all have the one life to live. Being DH is one thing, but if it is making your lives miserable, it is ok to call it a day. It is not unkind to try and change the aspect of your life that is not working. Sometimes it is difficult, but it does not make you an unkind person. I understand the worries around DD and her studies, I do. But it's something that needs to be addressed... And kids don't benefit for the parents to forcefully stay together. Your DD surely knows/senses that you are unhappy, and that is not a lesson you want normalised for her - to stay in an unhappy relationship.

Your OH might need some help and support from you to address his problems, but the basic principle that it is his responsibility to do so does not change.

You essentially have 3 children, one of whom is an adult ....

My husband was exactly like this.

He is ND too. He just could not communicate. Practically he could fix anything but emotionally he just shut down. I dealt with everything for our kids (one is also ND) and still do now. I remember once sobbing in the living room and he just looked at me, he didn’t say a word or offer any comfort.

I left, and it was hard, but I couldn’t have carried on. It was so very lonely, and I’ve never regretted leaving x

I’ve been married to someone similar for many years now. That phrase “like kicking a puppy” really resonates, and it is the reason I feel so bad. There are reasons why I don’t feel I can leave at present. I’ve moved into the spare room and was clear enough with H that our relationship was effectively at an end. But he seems to be in complete denial.

I’ve been on MN long enough now to know that I am far from alone and to stop thinking that this is all my fault. I know you’re very busy right now with work not to mention your children’s needs, but the advice I would give is to look outwards to what YOU want from your life as much as you can.

I can’t believe what I’m reading! You feel sad for him???

He’s exploiting you and ignores you and you feel sad for him?! Wow just wow.

Yes you need to leave him. I don’t know how you haven’t already.

Thanks @exhaustDAD , my DDs both know all is not well. It has not been fun here. You are right and it's a tricky balance. Thank you for sharing about your colleague/friend's situation too, it is helpful. The guilt is intense all round (DDs, DH). I do appreciate the reply :) Honestly, he's never been great at comms but things have got a lot worse. I don't recall ever being left to just cry and be at the end of my tether with just no reaction from him (and we lost a DD so there was a lot of crying).

@Mischance , spot on, I do have three children. Sadly the other two (actual DDs) are more able to communicate than he is and I feel differently about parenting those of course because they are actually my children. He is an adult. I agree 100%.

@Moen , I am so sorry that you were in the same situation but I am glad that you did get out and that things feel better. I am not sure if the lonely was then or now (I assume then). I do feel so alone, that has been the killer. i cannot discuss anything with him as he will not/cannot communcate. All DD decisions (e.g. removing from school) were mine. I have been alone 100%.

@HollyHoly , really sorry to hear that you are in the same boat, truly. I have stayed for so long too. I also moved out (room downstairs) a couple of years ago. So I now work and sleep in the same room but it is better than not (hope that feels better to you too). Much solidarity.

You are all superstars. I am so grateful for the validation and support. It has been so lonely and I am grateful.

Can I have a question @HollyHoly and @Moen , if you don't mind. It is genuinely just me trying to understand, I mean no disrespect or finger pointing... But there is something I have always wondered about regarding such relationships. So often do I talk to people, friends, family,.. or see people write their stories here on MN, people who are married to emotionally shut-down spouses, people who are not communicating at all, are not engaging with you when you are clearly distressed, etc..
My question is - How do you even get to a point of a long-standing serious relationship, a marriage even with someone who is emotionally not fit for partnership? Did you put up with it hoping it would change or was it not like that in the beginning?
This is genuine curiosity, because I see this so much that I would like to understand how it works.. I really hope you don't mind.

@Captivatingcapybara sorry I wasn’t clear was I?! The loneliness was then, not now x

Then I am really glad for you! And I understand completely (I am there).

@exhaustDAD I suppose looking back, it was always evident. He had experienced some trauma just before we got together, and I think I blamed his emotional shutdown on that.

He was a good partner in many ways. I have a large support network, so always had friends/family to offload emotionally to, and before we had children we were carefree with little stress.

It became so much more apparent after we were married and were dealing with a child with additional needs, job losses, bereavement etc.

Can you for a moment ignore his ND? This may help you to think about the situation with less emotions.
For the record, I am autistic. I am still an adult who is aware of my challenges and how they affect others. While there have been times in my life where I struggled with communication, I worked on improving it. Some partners accused me to being cold (I can't really cope with someone crying) but I do try to at least explain to them why I am finding it hard to respond appropriately and ask them if I could help in any other way. I am perfectly capable of running my life and attend to practical tasks. Again, this hasn't always been the case but I recognised it and made appropriate accommodations and focused on acquiring skills. I sometimes have difficulties with MH but I pay for therapy as soon as I notice first signs of trouble.

What I am trying to say here is that people with relatively high functioning ND can and do make changes consciously. Not to fix their condition but to live a relatively normal life. Your husband is not addressing that. That's not a ND issue. It's a personality issue.

The fact that you have been together for a long time is irrelevant. You are falling for a sunk-cost phallacy here.

Objectively:

• you do all the admin and caring work
• you earn a living
• you clearly asked for support
• he is not willing to discuss it or provide it
• he is not dealing with his personal issues
• there is no emotional connection

If it was a person without ND you were living with, would you feel similarly conflicted or would you have left a long time ago?

Are you my family member ?! 😬😅
Someone in my family had EXACT same scenario, but husband got eventually diagnosed, started medication and therapy and then she kicked him out anyway…. Can you husband get any help at all?

Thanks for posting. He could get help but he is choosing not to, I have talked to him about seeing the GP or calling the EAP. His choice not to. He was ill and off work last year, it ended up being me that sorted it all out. I just cannot anymore. But yes he could.

Thanks @Catza , it's really useful to have your perspective. I find it so hard re the ND stuff as I spend so long advocating for my daughter and get cross when people say she won't do things when in reality she cannot (she is also situationally mute). So I feel extra guilty when I don't extend that understanding to DH. I know you are right btw, it is a choice he is making though. I have told him this, not communicating at all is his choice and I just do not have capacity any more to deal with it. I am grateful for the thoughts.

I have an ex-husband who I think is ND and he’s said as much himself. If he were a child today it would be identified, but we are middle-aged and the 70’s/80’s were like a different world!

I had no idea at the beginning of our relationship, as he does a good job of talking the talk, but he’s utterly incapable of walking the walk. He became worse as the years passed - as life happened and I had less time/energy to pander to him, with raising DC and my parents being unwell, he withdrew and stopped trying to communicate at all.

Anyhow, I can guarantee you that it’s much more lonely in a terrible marriage than it is actually being on your own. Being lonely within a relationship - where your feelings and needs are ignored every day - is SO bad for you and diminishes you as a human being, in my experience.

I didn’t realise how much of myself I’d squashed down and almost lost, trying to be in a ‘marriage’ with a man who simply wasn’t suitable for or worthy of marriage. Although I felt sadness when I told him to leave, the second feeling was one of huge relief.

You can’t sustain a relationship/marriage with someone who isn’t even trying to make it work. You can’t do all of the running and fix all of the problems. He can’t/won’t talk about his feelings or yours. It’s not about him meeting you halfway, it’s about the fact he isn’t even trying to meet you even 5% of the way. He’s giving you literally nothing to work with.

There comes a point where it no longer matters if his ND means he CAN’T do the things, or if he’s just lazy/selfish/doesn’t care so he WON’T do the things. Because after a while, the end result and the impact on you is the same. And it’s perfectly okay for you to call time in it and say that you can’t live with it - because it’s no way to live.

Ultimately, the marriage has run its course. You’ve run out of steam and can’t do it any more. It might be a sad situation, but it’s not your fault. You’re not kicking a puppy. You’re just saying “enough” to flogging a dead horse of a marriage. He’s an adult, not one of your DC - he’s literally not your responsibility, you’re not responsible for his welfare or happiness. I mean, he certainly hasn’t been bothered about your welfare or happiness for years, has he?

In hindsight, my previous marriage was a shambling zombie of a marriage and I should have taken a baseball bat to it a few years earlier. Hindsight is a great thing, but in the actual thick of it, it’s hard to have so much clarity. But I can say that life is MUCH better on the other side of divorce.

Best of luck with it all.

I think there's an interim step between where you are now and divorce. You drop the rope. Stop trying with him. Start to mentally steel yourself for a future separation. Don't waste your energy trying to engage him or 'fix' him. Just leave him be. Don't push for therapy, don't make appointments for him, don't do any domestic labour. Grey rock him. Stop wasting your tears and guilt on him. This will either make him take action of some kind or will further the distance between you and make it somewhat easier to finally make the decision to split. It's exhausting constantly trying to get someone to care, so give yourself permission to stop.

Also, absolutely everything Notthemrmenagain said.

This is what I did with ex. I was so fed up of the situation I asked my DM for advice, as she’d been divorced many years earlier. She told me that divorce was hard and that while DC was young and he was “a good provider”, I should perhaps just build a life without him, go places and do things with DC and get on with life without hoping he would join in.

Strangley enough, despite not really wanting to engage with me and DC most of the time, preferring to be left alone and work, his nose was out of joint at being sidelined and not begged for time/attention. This led to him having affairs for the attention, and he was so emotionally impotent that he didn’t actually “get” how upsetting that was. Made it super easy to tell him to leave and divorce him, though. Although, I can’t particularly recommend it as a method of healthily ending a marriage 😆

OP You say his behaviour has always been evident but in the early days did he at least try to be more communicative and supportive ? If so it shows he can step up and engage when necessary.
Remember you are not his mother. You sound like you are exhausted and at the end of your tether. It's time to prioritise your own needs, he is no role model for your children either and they will have noticed.
I would give him an ultimatum that he at least needs to listen and respond to you and to make an effort to be a partner rather than an extra child in your relationship. lf he's depressed he needs to see his GP for advice and possibly therapy. If he refuses to engage and consider any of these options then then l'd be looking at divorce.

Thanks all. @Seaoftroubles , yep he was better in the early days. I have given him an ultimatum in the message I sent over a month ago. I did tell him that I could not continue if he did not reply. He did not reply. I also reiterated this verbally.

@NotTheMrMenAgain , glad things worked out in the end, sounded very difficult indeed. I do feel so guilty. Kids so upset this afternoon. Obviously managing their distress is indeed my job (I have lost yet more work hours to this, he is just at work). I will always prioritise but it just means longer days and the guilt is a killer. I look like the bad guy to all as he does not want it and they do not want it (they can see that the current situation is terrible also).

@Ebok1990 I am kind of past that point if I am honest. I stopped doing stuff for him. I just cannot.

Just to play Devil's Advocate, OP, if your husband has always struggled with communication, isn't this just how he is? It seems harsh to ditch him after all this time, particularly if he hasn't actually changed since you first met him. At the very least, don't you need to sit down together and see what can be done to help both of you? Relying on What's App seems insufficient.
Plus, if he is depressed, he needs proper medical care, not to mention that we are in "in sickness and in health" territory.....