Run before it's too late?

[llamabama]

Hey everyone, I would really appreciate some advice but I feel like maybe I know the answer 😢

I'm 19 and met my boyfriend (27) last year and really felt swept off my feet. We have so much in common and had so much fun until very recently. He had always given so much time to me but he started being more distant and when I asked if I did something wrong he said he'd been neglecting the friends he games with for me since we started dating six months ago and was struggling to manage his online gaming friends with our relationship.

I knew he enjoyed games but I didn't realise he'd been cutting back so much to spend time with me, and it kind of shocked me how he was comparing me to his gaming. He has admitted that he thinks his gaming is problematic, he only drinks when he games and often says that gaming makes him feel stressed, angry, lonely and depressed. With me he says he is the happiest he's ever been, we go out, have fun, live!

But tonight he told me that he loves me and gaming equally and he doesn't feel he can choose between us. I was pretty shaken by this, from reading up on it I understand that it's a very real addiction and is causing detriment to his life. He admits it's a problem, so I'm struggling to know what to do. He also really wants us to have a baby, get married etc. and very soon. These are things I want too but I know I'm young and all of this is scaring me that he could on one hand be so loving and caring but also say he values me the same as something that is causing him so much harm?

I've never gamed, I know I don't understand what he gets out of it and I want him to have his own interests and friends. Is it hopeful that he kind of recognises it's a problem or should I exit before things get more complicated?

For a lot of people, the friendships they make while gaming are genuine ones and it stands to reason that he's missing them if he's cut right back on playing. But at the same time, even he acknowledges that it wasn't always a healthy hobby for him. How many hours a day was he gaming before he met you? Is there a compromise where he can have one evening a week to play while you see your own friends or stay at home, presuming you are not living together? It's also not healthy to spend every second with him at the expense of your friends.

You’re 19 & he wants to marry & have a baby ‘very soon’?

At the very least I’d hold off any kind of further commitment until you can be totally confident that he’ll be doing his bit to look after future kids, not getting in from work & going straight on his computer. Which means he has to demonstrate that he’s got his gaming under control.

Six months in and the shine is wearing off and now is when you start getting a look at what life with him would really be like. Don’t shackle yourself to someone who values time holed up in front of his console, stressed and drinking equally to the time he spends with you. Especially at 19. There are much better options out there.

Yes I’d run, a 27 year old that loves gaming as much as you, means now he’s feeling complacent with you and if you’ll let him, he’ll put more time and energy into that, it’s addictive and he’s feeling the pull towards it, having been there, it can totally take over their lives more than a hobby can. How about leave him to game and and see what happens? but do not stay at his and be a spare part while he games!

Thank you, I'm not sure how much time he spends gaming as I'm at uni so we usually spend weekends together and talk on the phone most evenings. He has a high pressure job and I want him to be able to relax and spend time with friends and I regularly encourage him to do this, but it feels like there could be healthier ways to get that social interaction. I guess I need to understand how much he was/is gaming and if this is something I would feel comfortable with long term or if it even got worse. He hasn't mentioned the word addiction but when we spoke last night he was flip flopping between saying he loved it as much as me and could never give it up and saying he knows it's a problem and would give it up for me but he's not sure if he's able to.

Please at least press pause, OP. You’re only 19. It’s only been 6 months. You’re already hitting quite serious problems. He swept you off your feet but now you’re seeing the real him.

The difference between 19 and 27 is really significant as shown by the fact that he’s trying to rush you into marriage and babies when you’ve scarcely reached adulthood. Yes, some people do marriage and babies very young and it works for them but your 20s is your opportunity to build your independence, find out about yourself and what works for you in life and relationships, develop hobbies, follow your interests, experiment with different jobs, travel - he’s already had this but he wants to pin you down with marriage and children before you’ve had your chance at life. Just no.

A man who truly loved you and had your best interests at heart would not be trying to steal your youth and your freedom in this way. He’s just thinking of himself and what suits him. There’s nothing to suggest he’s ready for children or fatherhood and he’s already starting to show that he’s not the best prospect as a partner.

If he wants marriage and children, he needs to get his gaming under control and find a woman his own age but he’s probably found they’re less willing to put up with his poor behaviour. With you, he’s found someone much less experienced who is more easily impressed.

6 months is far, far too soon to know whether someone is the right partner for a lifetime particularly at such a young age as you are.

Please live for yourself for a bit - don’t get pinned down with huge life commitments such as children before you’ve had a chance to live for yourself.

As a start, double up on your contraception.

At 27, he’s too old for you. You at 19 shouldn’t be the one bringing wisdom and balance to the relationship.
I’m sure you are lovely, and also mature and sensible. When men date much younger, I suspect it’s inadequacy in them. He’s dating someone he hopes won’t challenge him the way someone his own age, with more experience under her belt, would.

Yeah I've been concerned about this. He's REALLY keen to have a baby and speaks about it a lot. I was trying to find if there's a link between men in their twenties who game and also have an obsession with having kids. It's something I'd definitely want in the future, but not right now. I think I put it down to his hormones talking but he sometimes says I should just drop out of uni and he'll look after me which has made me really uncomfortable and I told him that and he said he was joking but it feels like another massive red flag 😞

This is a bigger red flag than the gaming.

Run before its too late?

Imo... yes probably.

He admits he thinks he has gaming drinking is problematic
He says gaming makes him feel stressed, angry, lonely and depressed yet here he is saying he wants to bin you off to do it more

Because the 5 days a week he has to himself arent enough time / he cant be fucked to prioritise his time

Picture your life....

Is he keen to marry or just impregnate you? (I know the answer)

You graduate and fall pregnant...
You arent married but it doesn't matter love is all you need!
Do you think he'll give up gaming to help you with 4am feeds...when the drinking and gaming escalates... he is sullen detached and calling you a nag and a bad mother for not being "on" 24/7 and you want to leave

How will you to:
Work
Pay rent
pay childcare
Not go crazy

You arent going to be working anytime soon if you get pregnant and finding a grad job in the worst market in a long time with a 0toddler in tow wont be a cake walk.

Its 6m in he is a stranger still.
When I met my husband it was a halcyon drama and very "easy" for the first 2 yrs or so.
We barely argued we were 30s so life started throwing us curve balls early...

At this stage you should still be all loved up.

There's loads on threads on here where women have had children and there partner has neglected to be a parent in favour of their gaming addiction. He has already given you a list of the negatives of playing games yet he is still saying how important it is to play them over spending time with you.

You sound more mature than him. He is most likely thinking he should have children because of his age. You are just going to be stuck with a man child as well as children if you have any with him. Be prepared to mostly parent alone.

You should always be put first. Don't put your degree at risk for this. Personally, I'd bin him off, concentrate on your studying and maybe find someone you have more in common with. It doesn't sound like you enjoy the same things and are at different stages in your life.

I think that at this stage of your life the age gap between you is too wide. It's concerning to hear him saying he wants to get married and have children whilst you are still at uni and on the threshold of all the many choices and opportunities that will present themselves to you.The world is your oyster!
You don't need to be tied to a man who wants what he does, and the fact he's admitted you are only of equal importance to his gaming habit is a big red flag. If he's dropping his interest in you now to prioritise his gaming then he's told you who he is! Definitely run!

Right - given your update re just how much he is already pressuring you to have a child, including giving up uni: you definitely need to run. This man doesn’t care about what’s good for you or your future. He doesn’t even care for his future children - there’s nothing to suggest he would make a good father. He cares only for himself.

He sounds incredibly selfish and i think there are indications that he will be abusive also. He wants to steal your youth, your freedom and your opportunities. He wants to trap you and make you dependent on him. That’s extremely bad news, OP. Please run.

Thanks everyone, I'm really grateful for the advice. It's been my first serious relationship and on reflection I know I let myself be swept away and make excuses for the red flags. He has seemed like such a caring and wonderful guy and it's going to be hard, but you're all right that I shouldn't be the one at my age being the more sensible one and potentially having the burden of trying to fix his problems. I think I need to recognise that he has (unintentionally or not) been manipulative by projecting a behaviour and personality for six months that isn't genuine. Like I've fallen in love with an illusion because he's been trying so hard to hide this side of himself.

At 19 now is the time to be picky and even a bit selfish in the right way because you've got your whole life ahead of you. I think the age gap is a lot at your ages too. I'd be moving on and focussing on other things.

@llamabama - you’re welcome. You sound very wise, thoughtful and mature. The key thing here is that the right partner would not want to trap you and steal your future. You’re 19. The right partner would want you to embrace uni and learning; live for yourself; have adventures. He wants to trap you in a tiny world with him at its centre. Your task at 19 is to live for yourself. You could have at least another 60 years on the planet if not more - plenty of time in your future for children and deep responsibilities. That time is not now. This man is wrong for you.

You are 19, you are a student you shouldn’t be weighed down by these worries.

He sounds to me like a man who wants to ensure that he has “caught” you then to concentrate on his own amusements whilst keeping you on the side lines.
He’s spent six months charming you, now he’s starting to feel that he’s “got” you, he is showing his real colours.

You know all this your self, that’s why you have posted here. Trust your own intuition and drop him- soon!

You need to meet someone more your own age who shares your youth and interests and who wants the best for you and not just himself.

Good luck!

Sounds like you were lovebombed in the beginning and now the gloss is wearing off and you’re starting to see the reality of being in a relationship with him. Your life is just beginning at 19 I would suggest you don’t limit your options and work on building your own life. What sort of life do you want, develop your own hobbies, friends, job/career or studies etc. He may be using you as an emotional crutch in trying to tie you down at such a young age but he is devaluing you by equating his love for you with gaming so would he value any future children in the same way ? And what would life look like in that scenario. Know your own worth OP, do you want a life partner with an addiction ? If he loves it as much as you, it doesn’t sound like he wants to change. You already have a good insight into his issues, I think this is your instinct showing you the red flags. Yes you should you run. Find someone nearer your own age and have fun.

You'd have to be insane to contemplate having a child with a gamer. You'd be left on your own looking after the child whilst he games for hours on end. I'd find his obsession with having a baby quite worrying, too. Maybe time to rethink whether you really want this man in your future life.

It sounds like he sits firmly in the overlapping bit of the ‘Gaming’ and ‘Toxic Male Attitudes’ Venn Diagram. I’d wager that the way he talks about women when gaming would shock and frighten you.

He does not want an equal partner, and that’s reason enough for a young woman just starting out to end it now.

Be very clear with him about finishing things, and do not get drawn into explaining yourself endlessly or letting him beg to have you back.

Let the little boy stick to his games console. Honestly. He’s 27, it’s embarrassing.

Picture this - 2 years down the line, toddler running round and baby no 2 on the way, you are parenting while he is playing his games drinking on the big 65" in the front room - get them trainers on and run!

You sound like you already know the answer and have your boundaries. Agree with postponing family plans for you to enjoy your life. Can you feel you’re both at different life stages?
For me, I would end things due to loving gaming as much as you. Weird comparison - potential love of your life, to a hobby.
Love your understanding personality, but don’t settle if your intuition is telling you it’s good with him, but not quite right.

Thanks for this advice, I already feel ending things will be difficult so having clear boundaries is important. When he was opening up about it all last night he vaguely mentioned some deeper mental health issues for the first time which to be honest sounded more like they could be caused by his gaming rather than the gaming being a support for him like he thinks. I'm scared of how to safely end things without him doing something stupid. Wish I'd stayed single 😥