Run before it's too late?

[llamabama]

Hey everyone, I would really appreciate some advice but I feel like maybe I know the answer 😢

I'm 19 and met my boyfriend (27) last year and really felt swept off my feet. We have so much in common and had so much fun until very recently. He had always given so much time to me but he started being more distant and when I asked if I did something wrong he said he'd been neglecting the friends he games with for me since we started dating six months ago and was struggling to manage his online gaming friends with our relationship.

I knew he enjoyed games but I didn't realise he'd been cutting back so much to spend time with me, and it kind of shocked me how he was comparing me to his gaming. He has admitted that he thinks his gaming is problematic, he only drinks when he games and often says that gaming makes him feel stressed, angry, lonely and depressed. With me he says he is the happiest he's ever been, we go out, have fun, live!

But tonight he told me that he loves me and gaming equally and he doesn't feel he can choose between us. I was pretty shaken by this, from reading up on it I understand that it's a very real addiction and is causing detriment to his life. He admits it's a problem, so I'm struggling to know what to do. He also really wants us to have a baby, get married etc. and very soon. These are things I want too but I know I'm young and all of this is scaring me that he could on one hand be so loving and caring but also say he values me the same as something that is causing him so much harm?

I've never gamed, I know I don't understand what he gets out of it and I want him to have his own interests and friends. Is it hopeful that he kind of recognises it's a problem or should I exit before things get more complicated?

@llamabama Do you know what? You’re pretty bright.

You have had an experience, stepped back to have a good look at the situation and wondered if all was right. Then you approached Mumsnet for advice and you are now reflecting on what you have read.

Well done. If you carry on as you have been, you will do all right.

Thanks for all being so supportive, I never expected everyone to be so kind and helpful! I'm definitely staying single until I finish my degree after this, just hope I can get out of this unscathed, never had to break up with anyone and I think he'll turn up the manipulation even more :(

I can't decide if you're the one who thinks he should stop gaming or not. If he has a big pressure job then he can't be playing that much.

The baby bollocks and whatnot is all too fast. You don't need a baby in your life and you don't need someone hurtling towards 30 either. Just cut this one loose.

Glad you've had some good advice. But just for the next time you start seeing someone... when you are 27, do you think you'll be attracted to 19 year olds? People change so much in their twenties, and its worth you thinking about why a man that age wouldnt be dating a woman at a similar age to them. Just in case you meet another guy this age.

Just explain to him that you want different things and this relationship, whilst it has been nice, is not working for you.
Let him know this is a final decision and you have nothing more to say .
Then block him.

@llamabama - yes, he will likely argue against you ending it. He will likely try to emotionally blackmail you. Those are not reasons not to end it; in fact those are even more reasons for ending it. He is not owed a relationship.

Your job at 19 is to live for yourself. You owe that to yourself (and your parents!).

Don’t refer to his behaviour. Don’t give him something to argue with. Make this about you. Say you want to concentrate on your studies. You want to get the best degree you can. You need to focus on yourself. Say you want to be able to travel and explore. 19 is far too young to settle down and you have no wish to do so. Then block him and keep away from him.

Some people will say you owe it to him to end things face-to-face. I don’t agree. You owe it to yourself (and your parents and friends) to end it in the way which is safest for you. This could be a phone call. It could even be a written message. Ideally, tell a few close people in real life what you’re planning. Let them help you through this.

His reaction is his problem not yours but actually he will get over it. Most of us have suffered romantic disappointment at least once. Most of us have caused someone else’s romantic disappointment also. It can hurt like hell at first but time genuinely is a great healer.

@Thundertoast makes an excellent point. When you’re 27 (probably much younger), you’ll see that you couldn’t imagine dating a teenager.

"I'm scared of how to safely end things without him doing something stupid".

So he is emotionally manipulative as well towards you. Please never ignore, excuse or minimise red flags in men like excessive drinking or other addictions. You are NOT responsible for him when all is said and done; he is.

You are a mere 19 years of age and have the world at your feet. You can do far better than he and I would consider dating men of a similar background and age to you going forward. This one love bombed you (itself a red flag) and targeted weak boundaries in some part of you. Men like this can and do mess with boundaries. Learn from this experience and raise your relationship bar higher going forward.

End it asap by phoning him, make it about you being at a very different stage in your life to him. Then block him from being able to contact you. You owe him nothing, least of all a relationship here.

@llamabama - just do it exactly as @AttilaTheMeerkat says. She’s brilliant at this stuff.

Wow. Be careful OP but please cut him loose. Brace yourself for the pushback that will follow as he sounds manipulative. Don't allow it to affect your decision. Make sure to retrieve any important items he might have that belong to you. He is the sort of man who will hold them hostage.

Go live your life, go travelling and dump and block him before you go .

Absolutely agree with this.
This is how you develop good judgement and learn to "steer your ship".

You want to end it so I would suggest you are "prepared" for the break up.
It may go okay, you may get pushback.

Fear isnt a reason to stay with someone.

my 2p

• Get anything you need / want thats at his ahead of time to avoid contact later.
• Plan what you'll say and be clear its over (don't mince your words or allude to things "taking a break" etc)
• be clear you dont want further contact. Any further comms in any form will be considered harassment, and will be treated as such.
• Wish him well.
• have a big drink / bath / whatever

Also at 27 I was making good money and buying my first flat.. i couldnt imagine dating a teenager.... 😵‍💫 the age gap is also off given the circs you describe.

OP, controlling men often make the woman they are with think they have ‘so much in common’ and often try to quickly progress the relationship into living together/ babies etc. because they know this helps trap the woman. He wants you to leave uni, which will further trap you by reducing your financial independence and earning potential. Abusive, controlling men also tend to pick young woman, and you are young and at a very different life stage from him.
It’s possible he is testing you to see how much you will take, and how far he can push you. He’s essentially asking you to do the ‘pick me’ dance between him and his gaming.

I am not saying he definitely is a controlling abusive man, but there are enough red flags to be aware of this as a distinct possibility. Especially as he wants you to leave uni to have his babies.

Even if he’s not abusive, a man whose friends are online ( does he even have real life friends?!?!), and who seems to have an addiction is not someone to have as a boyfriend, let alone as the father of your kids, let alone give up your financial independence, education, and career for.

Look for a partner who supports your ambitions and goals, not one who asks you to give them up to live his fantasy.

So to answer your question, definitely run before it’s too late.

Thanks everyone. An irrational part of me is scared about breaking up and how he will react but if I'm anxious about the repurcussions of breaking up then I know it's not a healthy relationship to stay in. I'll make sure to keep myself safe and be clear to him.

It all depends on how much your boyfriend is gaming. If he comes home from work, goes straight to the games console and stays there until the early hours, night after night - he has an issue. If he comes home, eats, does a few chores, and then has a couple of hour's gaming before going to bed at a reasonable time, once or twice per week - not an issue. You need to probe him, to find out which it is. Is your boyfriend still living in the family home or is he living independently? If he's still living in the family home, then he likely has much more free time.

As for babies and marriage...you are 19, don't saddle yourself with that level of commitment at such a young age. Your boyfriend is 27, so he's in a different stage of his life to you, and in 3 years will be 30, so yes, he could very well be looking to marry and have children. Take it from someone much older than you, we change as people a lot between 18-30, what you want now and see as a priority, might not be the same at 30.

To think about marriage and babies, you need to partner who is going to step-up to the plate. You need to be able to see that your boyfriend is committed to your relationship, isn't going to expect you to run around after him, whilst he sits on his arse gaming night after night. Pull the brake on to committing further to him.

There's nothing wrong in spending time with friends (online or in reality) and it's healthy to do so. However, his gaming doesn't sound healthy, if he frequently becomes angry, depressed etc over it.

DO. NOT. Have a baby with this man OP. Just spare yourself and an innocent child the misery this manchild will bring you.

You're 19; run as fast as you can.

Exactly

I have absolutely no problem with gamers. It’s lovely to see a man who actually wants kids and marriage.

However, your partner seems to be waving that big red flag.
Pressuring a 19 year-old for huge commitments 6 months in is scary.
The hidden mental health problems would be a massive problem for me.
Why does a 27 year-old want to have a baby with a uni student?

Please, leave him, enjoy your degree, go travelling, see the world before you settle down with the right person.

Yeah I didn't have a problem with him gaming when he told me about it at the start of our relationship and I would encourage him to go play with his friends when he had been on the phone to me and said he'd usually be gaming with them in the evenings because I didn't want to be a girlfriend who took him away from his friends. But realising last night how much it impacts him in negative ways and that he equates our relationship to it in value is the worrying part. He has lots of wonderful qualities and I think it's positive that he even recognises that gaming is a problem and a good sign that he might be able to get a handle on it. But from all the great feedback here I know I'm not at the right stage of life to be settling down so soon and I hope he can find someone to share those things with.

Exactly

@llamabama - he doesn’t have wonderful qualities. He just knows what to say and how to love bomb. Whatever qualities he has, they are superficial.

Proper love wants what’s best for the beloved, not what’s best for the lover. That is true love. That doesn’t mean always putting the other first but it’s crucial to compatibility that both people in a couple have similar aims and desires (which is why it often makes sense to avoid significant age gaps).

Trying to pressure a 19 year old to leave her uni degree and have his babies and depend on him; trying to emotionally blackmail a 19 year old with talk of his fragile mental health - these are the precise opposite of wonderful qualities. This is sinister behaviour which has nothing to do with loving you and wanting what’s best for you. He wants to trap you in a tiny life that revolves around him. You already feel trapped. A decent life partner would not be doing that.

He knows an older, more experienced woman would see his behaviour for what it is so he has targeted a significantly younger woman (you) and is trying to pressure her into living life to suit him. I have daughters your age so am feeling very invested!

Can you get support in real life to be there with you as you end things?

Whoa, this is a far bigger 🚩 than the gaming! I'm getting a huge whiff of coercive control. First he wants you to quit uni and be a kept woman, now he's saying he might not love you as much as his hobby, which in the light of this update sounds like a ploy to get you to prove how devoted you are to him… presumably by quitting uni.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run like the wind!

Whatever you do, do NOT drop out of Uni and do NOT get pregnant! He's admitted the gaming is a problem and that he's not willing to stop. That is a massive red flag and I'd be walking away if I were you. If you did end up having a baby with him, I guarantee you'll be doing ALL the work while he sits in his room gaming.

At this point in your life, you should be enjoying student life, getting an education and going out with friends - not trying to navigate a relationship with a gaming obsessed man approaching 30 years old!

Please do think about what you want your life to be like - you deserve a partner who is going to put you first. Don't even think about settling for anything less.

Find a guy your own age