Is this abusive behaviour?

[Anon63695]

Couple has an argument, then one partner (let's call them A) decides to ban the other's (B) phone from the home WiFi access.

B notices this and asks A why they have done it and can they unrestrict it.

A ignores B whilst continuing to use a device which is connected to the WiFi.

B then disconnects all of the wires into the router so A also can't use the WiFi.

B claims that A is abusive for restricting the WiFi to their phone then ignoring requests to reinstate it.

A claims that B removing the wires from the router was a disproportionate retaliation which could have messed up the Internet connection to the home completely and is therefore in the wrong.

I'd like opinions on this please! Thanks

Your job here is not to Not React, or let him get to you. Your reaction is telling you that something is very wrong. Don't push it down, or squash it. Use it.

I've never argued with my DH like this and I never would.
I used to argue like this with my XH, because he was abusive
The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Stop justifying staying with this horrible man, and start making plans. They NEVER change.

It's easy to say leave him, but everyone argues and is it worth it if the good times outweigh the bad?

The answer to this is "How much shit is acceptable in your sandwich?"

Because even if there's only a tiny bit of shit in there, every single bite is going to be ruined by the anticipation that this one might be the one that tastes of shit.

Be honest, even on the really good days, are they a little bit tainted by the worry that "This might be a day with shit in it"

The first thing you need to accept is that your children know. You can tell yourself you're hiding it from them, but you're not. They know. My father did what you husband does - the mind fuck arguing where he argues up is down until your head hurts and you don't know what the truth is any more, and however ou react, using it against you. Verbally torturing my mother until she was hysterical and then using that as evidence that she was the problem. Awful, hateful, disgusting man.

Not letting you use private spaces like the bathroom in peace is abuse. They all do it.

If he isn't breaking things in the house and pushing and shoving you yet, he will.

The 'good' in between is because abusers don't want the relationship to end, even as they're telling their spouse that they hate them . They enjoy the abuse, they want to carry on doing it, and so they have to strike that balance because if they were awful often enough, you'd leave. So they manipulate with niceness in-between. It's not genuine. They then twist the argument so they can tell themselves it's your fault, and then they can tell themselves you are the problem.

This is a good point. That worry is always there in the back of my mind. Occasionally I stop worrying when things have been good for an extended period, but it's become inevitable that he will blow up again about something.

He's been moping around for a few days now, we've spoken as necessary only. I know what will happen now. He'll hold out for a while then he'll try something to resolve things without any apology or reference to the things he's done. If I bring it up he'll say something along the lines of we were both in the wrong and need to move past it. Also that I've been ignoring him which is as bad as him etc.

@Ccrraazzysnakess He has broken things before, and shoved me once or twice.

I should've left him ages ago, when there was any sign of this 😞

It's the classic hoping they'll improve but they never do, it's just hard to see it or accept it when it's happening to you I suppose.

I feel like I need to try and keep him on side for a bit so there's a better chance of him being in a rational mood about splitting things and custody of the children etc. He has said in previous arguments that he would find a way to hide his savings etc. or even give them away so I wouldn't get anything from him.

@Anon63695 if he's breaking things and pushing you, then you're into domestic violence territory. It can be a really hard thing to accept. I'm sorry. Please call women's aid and ask them for support, it's what they do.

As far as divorce goes - let go of the idea that you can make him be rational about it. Don't even try. He's going to be pissed off and you should expect that he'll be awful, though from my experience, he'll be prince charming first. We had a really weird few weeks when my mother first told my father she was leaving him. All of a sudden, he started insisting that we go on family outings and trying to arrange 'dates' with my mother. He'd get all dressed up, and marching around with an iron grip on my mother's hand, trying to kiss her in front of other people and making possessive statements about how she was His Wife and we were a strong family and always had been. This is after years of black eyes and trapping her in a room with us and screaming at her that she was a c*nt and an arsehole who had ruined his life, that she was lazy and disgusting and dirty, that she smelled, that she was stupid and boring, just constant grinding abuse. My mother went along with it until I asked her WTF she was agreeing to it for and she stopped. She said she agreed because he insisted on trying to fix the relationship despite the fact that he never missed an opportunity to say how much he hated her. Bloody weirdo. Once he realised it wasn't working, prince charming disappeared and he went back to being his usual self. He was difficult about everything.

Your husband has already been laying the groundwork by telling you he would hide money if you leave him. Believe him. (though this is also about manipulation, by sowing the seed of the idea that divorce would be so difficult that you're better off staying put, where he can happily carry on abusing you). Please don't let him persuade you that staying is easier, because if you do, his abuse will escalate, it always does.

Please call women's aid and start making plans today. You don't have to live like this.

Oh and the other thing I wanted to say is, let him win. When he says it's all your fault, don't argue with him or try to set him straight or make him see the error of his ways, because he won't.

Let him tell the story his way and focus your energy on what you need to do to get away from him.

@Ccrraazzysnakess I'm sorry that you and your mum had to go through that.

I am at the point where I've realised it's easier not to argue back I suppose, he'll do what he wants anyway. I just don't want things to be awful between us when it comes to co-parenting, and I don't want to waste loads of money on legal fees for a fair divorce.

He has threatened suicide during previous arguments, which I know is a manipulative tactic. This is generally after he's gone explosive and feels bad about how he's treated me. He will strongly imply he'd do it then once he's calmed down he'll say that's not what he actually meant etc. I got to the point of saying go on then, do what you like. He may call me heartless for that but I'm sick of the guilt tripping.

Please leave him, he will get worse not better

I feel very sorry for your kids OP. Why are you staying with this person?

I'm not really sure at this point. Financial security I guess, and clinging onto hope found in the good times 😕

I know I need to start planning then tell him it's over.