Is this abusive behaviour?

[Anon63695]

Couple has an argument, then one partner (let's call them A) decides to ban the other's (B) phone from the home WiFi access.

B notices this and asks A why they have done it and can they unrestrict it.

A ignores B whilst continuing to use a device which is connected to the WiFi.

B then disconnects all of the wires into the router so A also can't use the WiFi.

B claims that A is abusive for restricting the WiFi to their phone then ignoring requests to reinstate it.

A claims that B removing the wires from the router was a disproportionate retaliation which could have messed up the Internet connection to the home completely and is therefore in the wrong.

I'd like opinions on this please! Thanks

Yes it's abusive, and it WILL escalate. Make your plans to leave because this will only get worse.

We've been through quite a lot, together a long time and the children are his too. I have a reasonably paid job, things would be tight on my own but I suppose I could survive. We own the house jointly so that would be the biggest problem.

Things like this have happened before but I thought he'd turned a corner as it's been ages since he flipped like this 😞

It's easy to say leave him, but everyone argues and is it worth it if the good times outweigh the bad?

That’s hilarious 🤣 I’d have done the B thing in retaliation too 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

All of the behaviour you describe from A is abusive and is not normal or appropriate in a relationship. Can you access counselling? Would be helpful to talk it through with a professional to support you to leave. Look up Dr Ramani's YouTube videos, Why she stayed podcasts, and Lundy Bancroft pdf. Look up grey rock and reactive abuse too. Take care.

I've read the Lundy Bancroft book and I see a lot of his behaviours in there, unfortunately.

Mostly his previous behaviours as he has been working on things, but every now and then he flips like this. I'd hoped (perhaps naively) that he'd changed. Everyone says that in situations like this though and it's rarely the case.

We had some couples therapy before. He brings up things they've said in arguments, using it against me. For example, I misinterpret what he means apparently, and he thinks the therapists confirmed this and therefore I must still be doing this when we argue.

I wonder how much happier you’d be away from him?

I wonder that sometimes too. I can see pros and cons tbh!

I meant individual counselling. No point in going to counselling with an abusive person. He will always twist things. He doesn't misinterpret what you say -- it is deliberate. He won't change because the dynamic works for him. You probably won't understand how bad it is until you leave. (I stayed for 20 years...)

It certainly sound like A could be controlling. Pulling out the wires out of the router won’t do any harm.

What else does A do?

I might see if I can get individual counselling through the employee support programme at work, so I don't have to spend a fortune on it.

He has suggested that I do so before, convinced that they will help me to understand that I don't listen properly or am being too critical etc.

But it might help me rationalise things.

Sounds horrible.

Living with the Dominator is also a very good book - Women’s Aid recommended it to me. It’s a quick read.

This is horrendously toxic
in the instance in your op you both sound childish and ridiculous

the rest of your posts go on to detail a controlling horrible man
your children should not be seeing this

if you don’t want to leave you both need to be invested in working on your own anger and communication. You doing it won’t fix it as you do not seem to be the instigator. If he doesn’t want to work on it then there is your answer

I know it was childish to take out the cables, and I regret it because any time this comes up he will just keep saying that I almost ruined our Internet connection etc. or use that as an excuse for his follow on behaviour.

He did some anger management type stuff, but he always says that they advised to avoid triggers / walk away from triggering situations, and insinuates that if I didn't criticise and listened to him properly etc. then he wouldn't get angry. Classic victim blaming stuff.

Well, if nothing less, you haven't "ruined the internet connection" what the hell is he on about, just plug it back in?

They both need to grow up and act like adults.

What would you have done in B's position?

why would unplugging a router ruin the internet connection? You keep saying that, I don’t understand. You can unplug items in your home without them being ruined?

he is taking no ownership. So he won’t suddenly start to take ownership. So your choice is to live with it or not. You can make yourself as small as you like to avoid conflict but he’ll still instigate it and he’ll still blame you and occasionally you will act badly and then you will both use that as a stick to beat you with again. All the while your male children are learning how to treat women and your female children are learning what they should expect from future male partners

if you can get therapy as you mentioned, they can help you find a way forward

It wouldn't ruin anything, but he claims that I could have screwed up the connection when I removed the cables (I didn't and it's fine now after being plugged back in). He will not accept that it wasn't an act of complete stupidity and disproportionate retaliation.

I told him that I'm not having the children see that behaviour or hear us argue, he doesn't seem to care. He has previously claimed that I was trying to use them to manipulate him when I said that.

you're burning brain calories trying to put the right label on his behaviour. Better to ask yourself simply if you're prepared to continue tolerating it. Even if the majority of respondents to this thread agree that he's abusive, that won't change him.

He's got you reading Lundy Bancroft, seeking support on MN and looking to arrange counselling. Does that not tell you that this simply can't go on?

Its not abusive, both of them are utter idiots and should never have children lol

He's abusive. Even if you don't want to use that label, it sounds bad enough that you can't live like that or have your DC learn that that's how relationships are and it's ok. All relationships have conflict, the problem isn't that there is conflict, but that he "flips" and has rages, is controlling, is physical, and is an arse.
Sorry op.

It would depend on the age of children and whether they were already sleeping at the point that A disconnected my phone.

ideally I’d have tried to stay calm and say “fine, I’ll go elsewhere and use the wifi” and gone to a friend/family member/cafe. I’d also be making a plan to leave longer term.

if I had younger children in the house, already in bed, I’d have tried to act as unbothered as possible. Just used data on my phone or read a book etc. Gone to bed and left in the morning.

The children were already asleep in bed.

You are a lot more calm than I am. I shouldn't have let him get to me really, it's just difficult to not react at all.

Don't do any more "couples" therapy. Find a good individual therapist who will hopefully help you see the wood for the trees.

The longer you stay in this toxic mess the more difficult it will be for you to see what is going on, you're already unable to, and the harder it will be to leave. Which you have to do. You seem aware that you don't want your children to experience this. Don't be fooled. They are already.