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Original poster

Husband's porn addiction has had a massive effect on me.

31 replies

LivelyMum · 15/02/2026 21:27

I found out 2 years ago that my husband had a porn addiction that he has had for much of his life, even before we met. He was going on porn websites and adult webcams. It's been a massive shock and it's made me feel that I'm not any good. He told me he would stop and it has taken 2 years for him to get over his addiction and he has worked on changing the way he thinks about women. I still love him and he has really turned his life around. In the meantime I have lost my confidence because I can't stop thinking about how he made me feel and I feel uncomfortable when out in public when there are younger women around. He gives me lots of reassurance and our sex life is great now. I'm looking to talk to people here who have had a similar experience, what did they do and what advice can they give me to help rebuild my confidence.

OP posts:
GreenEyesIsBack · 15/02/2026 21:29

Why are you still with him?

Expressionlessplease · 15/02/2026 21:32

It's not you OP.
It's him. And the absolutely destructive and negative porn industry..
Why you are allowing him and his addiction to destroy your confidence? No man is worth that. And definitely not a porn addict.

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 22:49

I'm sorry you've lost your confidence. I haven't had sex with my husband for years, the thought of it makes me cringe. My Husband told me 7 years ago about his addiction to porn, promised he'd quit, but I caught him out on something a couple of years ago. It's wiped my trust, I've put on weight since I found out as I desperately don't want him to find me attractive. Yet somehow I still feel I can be beautiful, and want to be to someone.
You are beautiful, and if you trust your husband, and your enjoying your sex life then I hope for your sake things can rebuild.
How long have you been married?
Please can I ask exactly what he did to overcome his addiction, therapy, willpower?
It's the secret life they've led that is so hurtful, has he acknowledged the effect of his lies on you? Can you talk openly together? If your sex life is back on track could you try couples counselling to overcome the deception. Good luck

LucyLoo1972 · 15/02/2026 22:52

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 22:49

I'm sorry you've lost your confidence. I haven't had sex with my husband for years, the thought of it makes me cringe. My Husband told me 7 years ago about his addiction to porn, promised he'd quit, but I caught him out on something a couple of years ago. It's wiped my trust, I've put on weight since I found out as I desperately don't want him to find me attractive. Yet somehow I still feel I can be beautiful, and want to be to someone.
You are beautiful, and if you trust your husband, and your enjoying your sex life then I hope for your sake things can rebuild.
How long have you been married?
Please can I ask exactly what he did to overcome his addiction, therapy, willpower?
It's the secret life they've led that is so hurtful, has he acknowledged the effect of his lies on you? Can you talk openly together? If your sex life is back on track could you try couples counselling to overcome the deception. Good luck

was it a conscious thign to put on weight? I think I Amy have doen something similar but not sure. I have a lot of childhood trauma too

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 23:01

@LucyLoo1972 I think so, I've been comfort eating and drinking quite a lot. I don't really like my reflection, and the squidgy bit over my jeans! but he's always disliked "fat" women, so I was looking to keep him off!

LucyLoo1972 · 16/02/2026 00:08

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 23:01

@LucyLoo1972 I think so, I've been comfort eating and drinking quite a lot. I don't really like my reflection, and the squidgy bit over my jeans! but he's always disliked "fat" women, so I was looking to keep him off!

it sounds liek it is conscious for you. my marriage is such a complete and utter mess that I cant see any way to put it all right

Original poster
LivelyMum · 16/02/2026 08:06

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 22:49

I'm sorry you've lost your confidence. I haven't had sex with my husband for years, the thought of it makes me cringe. My Husband told me 7 years ago about his addiction to porn, promised he'd quit, but I caught him out on something a couple of years ago. It's wiped my trust, I've put on weight since I found out as I desperately don't want him to find me attractive. Yet somehow I still feel I can be beautiful, and want to be to someone.
You are beautiful, and if you trust your husband, and your enjoying your sex life then I hope for your sake things can rebuild.
How long have you been married?
Please can I ask exactly what he did to overcome his addiction, therapy, willpower?
It's the secret life they've led that is so hurtful, has he acknowledged the effect of his lies on you? Can you talk openly together? If your sex life is back on track could you try couples counselling to overcome the deception. Good luck

We spoke at length together and came up with a plan. I also told him to either sort it out or this was it. It has been a lot of willpower and self help strategies. He has acknowledged the effect that his lies has had on me and is doing everything he can to put things right.

OP posts:
BeMellowAquaSquid · 16/02/2026 08:11

There’s been so many threads on this and it always ends up in an argument. 🍿

DaisyChain505 · 16/02/2026 08:19

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 22:49

I'm sorry you've lost your confidence. I haven't had sex with my husband for years, the thought of it makes me cringe. My Husband told me 7 years ago about his addiction to porn, promised he'd quit, but I caught him out on something a couple of years ago. It's wiped my trust, I've put on weight since I found out as I desperately don't want him to find me attractive. Yet somehow I still feel I can be beautiful, and want to be to someone.
You are beautiful, and if you trust your husband, and your enjoying your sex life then I hope for your sake things can rebuild.
How long have you been married?
Please can I ask exactly what he did to overcome his addiction, therapy, willpower?
It's the secret life they've led that is so hurtful, has he acknowledged the effect of his lies on you? Can you talk openly together? If your sex life is back on track could you try couples counselling to overcome the deception. Good luck

I’m curious as to why you’ve decided to punish yourself and your body rather than leave the man who’s hurt you so much so that you can move on and be happy and maybe even find someone else who would treat you correctly.

Original poster
LivelyMum · 16/02/2026 08:27

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 22:49

I'm sorry you've lost your confidence. I haven't had sex with my husband for years, the thought of it makes me cringe. My Husband told me 7 years ago about his addiction to porn, promised he'd quit, but I caught him out on something a couple of years ago. It's wiped my trust, I've put on weight since I found out as I desperately don't want him to find me attractive. Yet somehow I still feel I can be beautiful, and want to be to someone.
You are beautiful, and if you trust your husband, and your enjoying your sex life then I hope for your sake things can rebuild.
How long have you been married?
Please can I ask exactly what he did to overcome his addiction, therapy, willpower?
It's the secret life they've led that is so hurtful, has he acknowledged the effect of his lies on you? Can you talk openly together? If your sex life is back on track could you try couples counselling to overcome the deception. Good luck

I really hope it works out for you

OP posts:
Original poster
LivelyMum · 16/02/2026 08:30

GreenEyesIsBack · 15/02/2026 21:29

Why are you still with him?

Because he has really turned it around and sorted his life out. My confidence has been knocked but we still love each other. I just need a bit of advice on how to get my confidence back up

OP posts:
MangoPancake · 16/02/2026 08:30

PoisedAnt · 15/02/2026 22:49

I'm sorry you've lost your confidence. I haven't had sex with my husband for years, the thought of it makes me cringe. My Husband told me 7 years ago about his addiction to porn, promised he'd quit, but I caught him out on something a couple of years ago. It's wiped my trust, I've put on weight since I found out as I desperately don't want him to find me attractive. Yet somehow I still feel I can be beautiful, and want to be to someone.
You are beautiful, and if you trust your husband, and your enjoying your sex life then I hope for your sake things can rebuild.
How long have you been married?
Please can I ask exactly what he did to overcome his addiction, therapy, willpower?
It's the secret life they've led that is so hurtful, has he acknowledged the effect of his lies on you? Can you talk openly together? If your sex life is back on track could you try couples counselling to overcome the deception. Good luck

Rather than do this why didn't you just leave?

Snootsnoot · 16/02/2026 08:35

There was an article about sex drive and T in BBC yesterday with charts that showed how people are having sex less now than the 90's. They didn't even mention the glaringly obvious issue of online porn being free and men often choosing that over their real life partners. Loneliness epidemic of their own making.

DaisyChain505 · 16/02/2026 08:39

LivelyMum · 16/02/2026 08:30

Because he has really turned it around and sorted his life out. My confidence has been knocked but we still love each other. I just need a bit of advice on how to get my confidence back up

Show quote history

Are you having couples therapy and solo therapy?

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 16/02/2026 09:22

‘Porn addiction’ and sex addiction come fr the evangelical Christian community in the US and imply an external evil is acting. Unless you believe in this, you can refer to it as ‘his porn use’ ‘his decision to ruin your intimacy by watching porn’

its an impulse control issue and he’s made weak choices. It’s nothing to do with you.

MangoPancake · 16/02/2026 09:34

Snootsnoot · 16/02/2026 08:35

There was an article about sex drive and T in BBC yesterday with charts that showed how people are having sex less now than the 90's. They didn't even mention the glaringly obvious issue of online porn being free and men often choosing that over their real life partners. Loneliness epidemic of their own making.

Ugh. Was probably a man who wrote the article.
Completely their own making for sure.

largebrimmedhat · 16/02/2026 09:50

BeMellowAquaSquid · 16/02/2026 08:11

There’s been so many threads on this and it always ends up in an argument. 🍿

Do you not think it's a bit tasteless to post a popcorn emoji on a thread where several women have posted about being in distress due to the topic at hand? Can you not just rubberneck without gloating?

Original poster
LivelyMum · 16/02/2026 14:47

Snootsnoot · 16/02/2026 08:35

There was an article about sex drive and T in BBC yesterday with charts that showed how people are having sex less now than the 90's. They didn't even mention the glaringly obvious issue of online porn being free and men often choosing that over their real life partners. Loneliness epidemic of their own making.

Yes I agree with you! Since he has stopped our sex life has been better for it!

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/02/2026 16:36

You have my sympathy OP.
I've been with my fiance since Oct 2020, and before we entered the relationship i was very clear to him that i do not accept being in a relationship with someone who watches porn, as its a boundary for me that i consider a form of cheating. Told him about the ex that lied the whole relationship that he never watched it but turned out after split was an addict.

Well guess what he confessed just after new year? Yep, HE was a porn addict and had been watching and masturbating to it twice a week, for more than the first three years of our relationship. That he has stopped now, but it took multiple attempts, but he "Stopped for me!" because "He loves me!"
He confessed because he couldn't take the guilt of the secret anymore and was having panic attacks. He refuses to accept he's no different to my ex, that he too lied to get me in a relationship with him as he knew i'd friendzone him if he told the truth, so hes just as manipulative. He thinks it's silly i think of it as cheating as he "wasn't going out sticking it in random women" but can't deny he knew my feelings and boundary all along.

I can't look at him the same, i would never have dated him, or had any intimacy with him if i'd known. Havent even seen him since, but if i even hint at breaking up he immediately threatens suicide.

I'm torn if i want out, i flip between i love him maybe we can work through it, and wanting out immediately. If he wasn't playing the suicide card over not being able to cope if he loses me, i'd have been gone the night he confessed.

PoisedAnt · 21/02/2026 21:53

MangoPancake · 16/02/2026 08:30

Rather than do this why didn't you just leave?

Show quote history

Children, mortgage, financial security. Mainly the kids, if I leave him I can't stand the idea of being away from my children when they visit him, even if it was just a night a week. They're everything to me, and they love him. How do you explain a break up to primary school kids without villainising someone.

category12 · 21/02/2026 22:14

PoisedAnt · 21/02/2026 21:53

Children, mortgage, financial security. Mainly the kids, if I leave him I can't stand the idea of being away from my children when they visit him, even if it was just a night a week. They're everything to me, and they love him. How do you explain a break up to primary school kids without villainising someone.

Show quote history

Well to be fair, he is the villain here. Not that I'm advocating badmouthing a father to his children.

You just say that you weren't happy together any more or something similar. Sometimes relationships don't work out. It doesn't have to be daddy did a bad thing.

category12 · 21/02/2026 22:20

LivelyMum · 16/02/2026 08:30

Because he has really turned it around and sorted his life out. My confidence has been knocked but we still love each other. I just need a bit of advice on how to get my confidence back up

Show quote history

I would work on confidence and self-esteem through things that make you feel good physically and things that make you feel competent. Work, hobbies, things you enjoy.

Making sure you have time to be you and do things for yourself, not giving him and his addiction centre stage all the time.

winter8090 · 22/02/2026 08:11

My concern for you is that he will revert back to these behaviours. I am sceptical that men beat these “addictions”
The simple fact is he likes to watch porn and use webcams.
I guess you need to weigh up whether this is a dealbreaker for you.

His behaviour doesn’t determine your value. You do that.

category12 · 22/02/2026 08:16

It might be an idea to look into co-dependence.

GratefulBUTUnhappy · 22/02/2026 08:22

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/02/2026 16:36

You have my sympathy OP.
I've been with my fiance since Oct 2020, and before we entered the relationship i was very clear to him that i do not accept being in a relationship with someone who watches porn, as its a boundary for me that i consider a form of cheating. Told him about the ex that lied the whole relationship that he never watched it but turned out after split was an addict.

Well guess what he confessed just after new year? Yep, HE was a porn addict and had been watching and masturbating to it twice a week, for more than the first three years of our relationship. That he has stopped now, but it took multiple attempts, but he "Stopped for me!" because "He loves me!"
He confessed because he couldn't take the guilt of the secret anymore and was having panic attacks. He refuses to accept he's no different to my ex, that he too lied to get me in a relationship with him as he knew i'd friendzone him if he told the truth, so hes just as manipulative. He thinks it's silly i think of it as cheating as he "wasn't going out sticking it in random women" but can't deny he knew my feelings and boundary all along.

I can't look at him the same, i would never have dated him, or had any intimacy with him if i'd known. Havent even seen him since, but if i even hint at breaking up he immediately threatens suicide.

I'm torn if i want out, i flip between i love him maybe we can work through it, and wanting out immediately. If he wasn't playing the suicide card over not being able to cope if he loses me, i'd have been gone the night he confessed.

He's not going to commit suicide, he's manipulating you to stay. Just leave.