Please help - should I leave? (Emotional affair)

[Thewovendiary]

i have been with my partner for about 2.5years - we own a house together.

He took me out for a date on Thursday night and when we came back he told me he’d been messaging another woman since October but that it meant nothing and it was because she was blackmailing him out of money?! I asked to see their chat but he’d deleted it.

On Friday I asked for the woman’s number and he gave it to me. I contacted her and she said they had first spoken in January last year and he’d got back in touch with her in October - he’d told her he wasn’t happy in the relationship, told her he’d break up with me and they’d spoken daily since October - including Christmas Day and NYE - times we were together and was obviously messaging her in my presence. They’d also exchanged 100s of nude photos.

She also said he’d threatened her with sending the photos to her dad and boss if she ever told me!

He is saying it was a mistake - I love him so much but don’t feel I can ever trust him again?

The other woman sent me screenshots and voice notes from him confirming what she’d said - so he was obviously lying

Nope this for me would be completely over. Life is too short.

Thanks for replying. I thought we were so happy it’s been such an awful shock :(

Of course you should leave. Get your passport, jewellery, important documents etc. somewhere safe today. Open a separate bank account tomorrow. Start looking for a place to live. He’s proved himself to be untrustworthy.

I can imagine it must be awful OP, but rather waste 2.5 years than the rest of your life with this person.

I’d also not accept the “its a mistake” excuse. A mistake is picking up apple juice instead of orange juice at the shop, not texting another woman daily for months on end exchanging nude photos and lying.

I’ve just seen you own a house together. See a solicitor, you need to get your name off the mortgage.

Thank you for taking the time to reply xx

I am sorry that your OH has proved to be such a disappointment. I hope you can move on secure that none of it is your fault.

He is saying it was a mistake

Some mistake!! Seems to me that he thinks his mistake was getting caught out.

I love him so much

Why? He's a cheating liar. He has been betraying you for months and shows absolutely no remorse whatever. Not only that, but he's been treating this other woman like absolute shit too.

This ^ and I can 100% guarantee he will do this over and over again if the OP stays with him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
aside from the obvious betrayal and cheating, the threats to the OW are illegal and show him in a terrible light. I’m not sure you can reconcile that with the man you thought he was.
only you know if you can come back from this.

So sorry you're in this position, OP - you must be absolutely devastated.

But I agree with PPs - there is absolutely no way back from this. Your partner may have appeared to be very sweet to you but underneath it all he's clearly a nasty piece of work.

As a PP has said - a mistake is bringing the wrong thing home from the supermarket. At a real push, a mistake is a one-off very drunken kiss on a night out without your partner. A mistake is not months of messages, claiming to be very unhappy, exchanging sexy texts and nude photos and then making deeply abusive - frankly vile - threats to share the nude photos with the woman's father and boss if she told you the truth about what a cheating slimeball your partner is. It takes a truly nasty man to engage in any of that behaviour and particularly a truly nasty man to make such threats.

This behaviour would always be a death knell to a relationship but you've only been together 2.5 years so this was him in the first years of your relationship which seemed to be going well enough for you to buy a house together i.e. this was him in your honeymoon phase. In your honeymoon phase, when you should be at your most dreamily loved up, he's lying to another woman about you and exchanging steamy messages and countless nudes and then making absolutely vile and abusive threats to her. There is no way back from this. And it is entirely your partner's fault. So don't let him turn it on you. Don't let him make it about what you were or weren't doing - what you were or weren't giving him. He is - devastatingly - not the man you thought he was and is not worthy of your love.

It will be heart-breaking now and take a lot of getting over: I hope you have supportive friends and family around you who can support you through this. But whatever the situation, there is no future for you with a man who can behave like this.

He’s a disgusting pig. Bin him.

Not necessarily. The OP might lose loads of money. Depends how much has been paid in. They may own it outright.

This is so shit OP. Speak to someone you trust in rl and prob best to get a free half hour solicitors appt.

Please leave this cretin of a man

Your relationship to this man shoukd now be at an end. If there is no trust there is no relationship and he’s blown it with you. He should be aware that revenge porn is a crime and this ow could well
report him. You don’t want to be associated with someone like he now.

The house can be sold and I would seek
legal advice on this matter. Did you ring fence your deposit?.

I’ve already posted but just to add: this was not only an emotional affair. This was a full-on sexual affair - it was just conducted via text and photos.

It's the gaslighting and outright lies that are worse than the cheating, to be honest.

She had the receipts.

How can you ever trust him again knowing how blatantly he'll lie and say absolutely anything to try to get out of things?

You do not “love him so much” its a fantasy. The person you loved has gone.
Dead in the water
He has lied, & lied to cover the lies, he doesn't love you, its just noise.
Feel the anger, you are better than this.

Consider this your early warning, OP. He is a liar and a cheat (not an emotional cheat, a sexual one) and he threatened a woman with sharing her explicit photos!?!?!? So he's a criminal too. Absolutely your only move here is to end the relationship. This isn't an aberration, this is who he is. He didn't get drunk and make one single error of judgement and immediately come clean (some people would end a relationship over that, as is their right). He repeatedly cheated and lied and then to try to keep the wool over your eyes he commited a crime. Throw him back.

He is saying it was a mistake

Of course he is, he is hardly going to say he did it on purpose.

But he did do it on purpose. His fingers didn't accidentally fall on the letters that would make coherent sentences. He thinks you're stupid and he doesn't respect you.

No point dragging it out. Just tell him it's over and ask him to move out.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I agree that the relationship is over, but he should be the one packing his bags!

Why two posts OP? Which one should people use? I am sorry this has happened to you. I think you know the truth and what you need to do, but understand it’s very hard and a shock.

Sorry OP but he’s a lying cheating piece of shit. It’s not a mistake - no one sends a photo of their dick by mistake

He’s a grubby sleazy repulsive common or garden scumbag - please don’t waste any more of your life on him.

Sorry op.

Sell the house (or buy him out) and never look back.

You can’t trust him . Ever again . You deserve better and you’ll never get what you deserve from him . Kick him out or go yourself. Please don’t stay and have a child with him no matter what he says to you , how sorry he is , it’s bullshit . He’s shown you already what he’s like .