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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The silent treatment

39 replies

Idontknowwhatsgoingon11 · 14/02/2026 22:28

So my DH of 15 years is once again giving me the silent treatment. It started on thursday morning and I have no idea why.

I woke up and was in bed for a while as I have some medical issues and it takes a while for me to get out of bed. When I went into thevliving room I could tell he was not in a good mood. I asked if he was OK and he made some non committal noise, so I left him to it. The rest of the day continues like this.

Then Friday he had work at night so he was asleep during the day. When he woke up he was no longer talking to me at all, I tried asking again what is wrong. When he left for work I sent a text to ask why he isn't talking to me.

He hasn't responded to me and is still not talking to me. I haven't tried to talk to him at all since the text. He is at work again tonight and I just feel lost.

He finds communicating very difficult due to childhood trauma. So his default is the silent treatment. He will act fairly normal with our DC ( all older teens) but it is fairly obvious that something is not right.

We have been together for over 20 years now and I have tried to support him in getting help with his trauma. He has attempted therapy more than once but when it gets to a certain point he stops engaging. The last attempt was around 10 years ago and it ended with him having a mental breakdown.

How do I deal with this? I can't keep waiting for him to start talking again. I feel drained by this. He never apologises or tells me why. For the majority of our relationship I would be the one to approach him to end it. However the last couple of years I have stopped doing this as much as I can so it lasts longer.

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 14/02/2026 22:42

Well I think you know that it’s time to leave him.

unsync · 14/02/2026 22:44

Leave. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. My ex would do this. When I asked what I had done to upset him, he would say that if I didn't know, he's wasn't going to tell me. I hadn't actually done anything wrong, he was just a horrid person and this was one of his many methods of emotional abuse.

Mysticguru · 14/02/2026 22:49

Get your ducks in a row and leave when you can.

Merseymum1980 · 14/02/2026 22:49

I had this nonsense in the past. It was emotional abuse.
Look up covert narcisim
Do you mind explaining your health problems.
A lot of autoimmune diseases are triggered by abuse

EarthSight · 14/02/2026 22:50

I wouldn't count on this being some kind of thing he can't help. Yes, he has past trauma, but survivors of abuse can also be perpetrators of it. It's not just the trauma or experiences that can do that - it's that they've inherited some personality traits from their family, so it can be ingrained in a biological sense as well.

You can't force him to get help. He's well aware of what he's doing and must know that it hurts you. It might even be the intention because for some reason he doesn't think your issues can be resolved, and so the main way he copes with that is to take his temper out, silently, on you.

Isthisit2025 · 14/02/2026 22:52

This is called stonewalling I think. I couldn’t tolerate this. Don’t get me wrong if I’ve had a row I may go quiet, but never for no reason. That is mental torture.

It is his responsibility to deal with his CT. He is bringing you down with him. Do not accept this another moment longer OP. Every time you approach him he won’t deal with his CT, kicking the can down the road.

Go about your business/life. Don’t subscribe to his manipulation.

He needs to want it OP

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 14/02/2026 23:13

My ex used to give me the silent treatment. I kicked him out. If he didn’t want to talk to me there was no point him being there! OP you need to stop asking him what’s wrong and definitely don’t send texts. Just leave him. I promise you, you’ll feel instant peace and the silence will be golden.

Plovx · 14/02/2026 23:14

He's an abuser. Get rid of him.

OriginalSkang · 14/02/2026 23:16

This is emotional abuse. Leave

SunflowerTed · 14/02/2026 23:17

I couldn’t tolerate this kind of soul destroying behaviour. You need to call it a day

FindleBindle · 14/02/2026 23:34

The silent treatment is horrible, horrible behaviour. It’s one thing to be a dick in a moment of anger but to purposefully carry on being a dick over a number of days is twisted. Imagine the amount of contempt and hatred you must have to treat someone like that. That might sound harsh but I think it’s true.
OP, I’d either prepare to leave or, at the very least, I’d insist on him getting therapy if he agrees that he seriously needs to change.
If you don’t want to do anything just yet then maybe consider getting some councelling for yourself. It might be helpful to talk this through with someone.

Has he ever behaved like this to your kids? What do they think of his behaviour?

Good luck. I feel for you

Idontknowwhatsgoingon11 · 14/02/2026 23:36

Thank you for all the replies.

My health conditions are very outing as they are the result of medical negligence.

I know I can't force him to get help it's why I stopped trying years ago. I do also point out that he can't move forward without dealing with his issues.

I don't know how I would manage alone, I had to.give up working due to my health, I barely manage to get showered most days and I am so exhausted.

He is an amazing husband the majority of the time. He is supportive and loving but I just can't manage this not knowing and the silent treatment

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 14/02/2026 23:37

Absolutely end this so called ' relationship '. You are worth so much more.

Isthisit2025 · 15/02/2026 03:59

@Idontknowwhatsgoingon11 Not everyone can just end/leave a relationship, there are almost always other considerations involved. I can now see why you would put up with this.

He will not deal with his issues while his behaviour is being tolerated. There are consequences to ones actions and he is not facing any. You must find a way to either accept this is him, or your health will be even more compromised through stress. Give him consequences.

I hope you find a solution OP. Relationships are not easy, especially if the good outweighs the bad.

Glitchymn1 · 15/02/2026 04:12

If you aren’t going to leave for whatever reason, then save yourself and stop asking him and texting him about why he isn’t speaking to you.
Do you have anyone else, friends etc you can chat to? Put on the tv/radio and ignore him u til he snaps out of it. Pathetic little man child!

DeftGoldHedgehog · 15/02/2026 04:16

I would never put up with a sulker. He'd have been dumped the first time he did it.

FoamShrimps · 15/02/2026 04:17

He is not an amazing husband OP. He is an abuser and he does it because he can. You are vulnerable and he knows it.

PithyViewer · 15/02/2026 04:51

I have a LOT of experience of this. My STBX did this ALL the time, and he knew he could get away with it because I had moved back to his home continent with him and didn't earn much.

Looking back, it feels like he literally spent half the marriage ignoring me. It can't have been quite that much, but it was frequent and it was long-lasting. I think the record might have been three weeks. He had INTENSE anger issues, he fit almost every criteria of covert narcissism, and he was just absolutely horrible, interspersed with being the most wonderful husband. (And before anyone asks me why on earth I married him, he didn't do any of this until I was trapped abroad and vulnerable.)

OP, I was never able to make any difference with this behaviour. In my experience, nothing I said or did made it better. I think it's a stable personality trait that will never go away. Indoctrinated by my family into making marriages work at all costs, I only got away from him because he worked himself up into such a state of contempt and rage about me that he did the narcissistic discard after almost ten years. No one in my whole life has ever had the problem with me that he did. These covert narcissists burn with hatred for the person who is closest to them. They are vile, fucked-up puppies.

And they are the absolute WORST when you are vulnerable, as I was, and as you are. You say you couldn't manage without him, but if you were on your own, you would be eligible for help from Social Services. Attendance allowance, PIP, home helps...they are there specifically for people who have no help, so by staying with him for that reason, you're basically saving the system some money by putting up with abuse. Which is crazy. Also, you do have your children.

Looking back, I think it would have made a difference if I'd let him know that I would be fine without him and that I was thinking of leaving. They do this when they really and truly think that you can't leave.

Of course, even if he realises you might leave and it makes him shape up, this also begs the question of whether you want to be with someone who's like this towards people who are vulnerable and can't easily escape.

I am very sorry, OP. I suffered a lot with the silent treatment aimed at me; it's had a dreadful effect on my self-esteem and is a major reason why I will never marry again. This wasn't the only form of emotional abuse, either. It never is. It's left me with the distinct feeling that co-habiting or marriage gives someone way too much power over your well-being.

After he left, I was devastated and lonely, but things were peaceful at last. The divorce will happen this year, and you simply cannot imagine the sheer peace and joy and light I feel at the thought of finally being rid of someone who treated me so horribly for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

IME, you can't fix people like this. You either put up with them or get away for them. My exH got worse and worse and worse over time, until at the end, he would get SO angry at me over nothing that I really thought he was going to start hitting me. Luckily he left.

Wishing you the best of luck in dealing with what I know is a truly horrible marital issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2026 06:28

Denial is a powerful force; he is not amazing at all but abusive. Why did you call him an amazing supportive h?. Silent treatment of emotional abuse and he’s fling thus you because he can. You do not know which way is up.

He knows you have these health problems and uses those against you too because you feel trapped. Do you have any family and or friends you can contact?. At the very least do contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

LoudSnoringDog · 15/02/2026 06:56

What’s this “childhood trauma “ that means he can wake up one morning and decide his coping mechanism is to ignore YOU?

category12 · 15/02/2026 06:58

Just wondering if the timing of this is to do with valentines day? Is there a pattern of him spoiling special occasions, like birthdays and anniversaries etc? Days that are supposed to be happy, but end up centred around his mood?

PashaMinaMio · 15/02/2026 07:05

A solicitor once told me many years ago that this is a type of “unreasonable behaviour “ and you can divorce because of it.

Anndalouzier · 15/02/2026 07:09

This sounds shit.
trauma my arse. Funny how that drama isn't relevant when he wants to talk to his children

xOlive · 15/02/2026 07:09

If, in your view, the good outweighs the bad and you don’t feel you could leave him, you’re going to have to find a way to feel absolutely nothing when he gives you the silent treatment.
H is being silent.
Ask if he’s okay?
Does he want to talk about it?
If he grunts/says no then ask yourself “have I done anything to warrant or deserve this?”
If no, then just go about your day with not a thought in your mind about him.
He’s unwilling to progress in therapy to make this situation change.
Childhood trauma is not an excuse to treat someone like shit.
I have complex childhood trauma and adult trauma on top and it’s just no fucking excuse to make someone else hurt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2026 07:12

There is no justification or excuse for his abuses of you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Am certain too that your dc cannot abide him and wonder why you are still with him.